Broken

Chapter 7

Sammie pov... 

As soon as my bedroom door was closed behind me i feel the tears start form in my eyes. I lean against the door sinking down to the floor... My legs just give out... Even now Chris did not give me an answer... Even now he would deny me some form of closure so i could move forward without this question hanging over my head... Just like he had done the day he left me he stayed silent on the why... The only difference now was that there was a little girl he desperately wanted to connect with... A little girl he desperately wanted to be a father to... I know that. I could see it in his eyes... 

I put my hands in my head trying to not make a sound... Tears are streaming down my face now as it all just comes out... I only now realize how much i have been holding everything in... Just so he could build a connection with Sophie... I keep telling myself i am doing what is best for Sophie... I know she already loves him and loves that her dad is in her life. I can see it in everything... But him being in her life means he has to be in mine... After hurting me so much, i was willing to let him in for Sophie's sake... I put my own comfort aside for my little girl. But Chris couldn't even do the same...  You could ask. Why does it matter now... It has been so long ago... You moved on without knowing and have been doing fine... But it was easier not knowing when he was far away and not in our lives... When he had no idea of Sophie's existence. But now with him being around the question just followed me around like this dark cloud... 

It was like this invisible band was strapped around my chest that made it hard to breathe... I was so confused... He would hug me. He would defend me against his brother. He would tell me he is in 100% but when it came to the hard stuff... When it came to talking about what happened... He would just look at me not saying a word... His actions didn't match his words, and this was what is so confusing. 

He did not know about Sophie when he said he wanted to talk to me... When he approached me in the bar... When he followed me outside... He didn't know that Sophie was his when he saw me at the restaurant and followed me out... He kept saying he wanted to talk but when i asked him to explain... To just tell me so i could move on, so we could move on.... That is when he said nothing. That is when he just stayed quiet... Why did he not talk to me like he said he wantd... Did he think i would just forget it ever happened and talk with him about mundane things... I get it is not easy to talk about... Maybe even painful. It was not my favorite topic either. But in order to move on... I sigh and think about the last couple of days. I had done everything to accommodate him, let him in... I had pushed all my feelings down... Just so he could get to know Sophie... Just so that Sophie would be happy... 

I think about the nap we took together... Sophie had asked him to join us... I couldn't bring myself to say no... Looking at Sophie's pleading eyes i just couldn't bring myself to it... I had decided to tell her right then and there... Because after what happened with Scott she was confused... She had picked up on some things... But even before that I had a feeling that deep down, she knew... She knew he was her father. Or maybe it was in my head... She is just 3 after all... I just didn't want to confuse her even more and decided it was time... 

But with that I kept pushing my boundaries, as there was no way back now. Maybe i had jumped the gun... I had only thought about how this would be for Sophie and Chris... I had let myself go for just a split second... Caught up in the emotional moment, I had let him kiss me... Even if it was a brief kiss... Just a little peck...  I should not have let him... It only made it harder... It only made me more confused. I think i had gotten caught up in what could have been... In that moment, even if it was for a split second, it was like nothing had happened... 

I had been thinking about Sophie's and Chris's feelings so much that i had disregarded my own... I know Sophie was the number one priority... Her feelings mattered most... But did this mean i had to ignore my own... I would never take her away from him... I would never forbid them from spending time together... But was him being here the best way to do that... Was i expected to just push everything down. Did my feeling matter at all...? 

All of a sudden it hit me... Is this his way of punishing me... Punishing me for not telling him... Is this his way to make me suffer... Was this man that i once loved... Had i been so wrong about him... I thought i knew him... I thought i knew him up to the point he walked out of my life... Had i been so blinded by my love for him that i had never seen it? Was he just cruel? Cruel to a point that he would just let the question, as to why he left me hang over me... To torture me... His payback for missing 3 years of Sophie's life...

"I tried... I tried..." I mumble over and over to myself my tears and heartbreak turning into anger... "I fucking tried..." I know growl and push myself up... I start to pace up and down in my room. I can feel my blood start to boil... My tears had stopped... I was angry... Angry with Chris for doing this to me... Angry because i feel like he is blaming me... Angry at myself for letting him walk all over me... Angry because i am weak... I need to put my foot down... I need to set a clear boundary. I matter to... I deserve to be comfortable with all this to... Yes, a relationship between Sophie and Chris was important... But that did not mean that i was not...

I storm out of the room... I am angry and ready for war... I am running on pure adrenaline. I had not heard Chris go to bed so i make my way to the living room... I am on a mission... A mission to put my foot down and give him a piece of my mind... He was sitting on the couch staring at his glass... I could see he had taken a few more drinks... For a moment i hesitated... He had a few drinks so maybe it was not smart to do this now... But i quickly scold myself... I am doing it again... Putting his needs and comfort above mine... It just pisses me off more. But it also lights a fire within me... 

Chris looks up surprised... "Sammie... I..." He whispers but i put up my hand to shut him up... He looks at me shocked but shuts up... "You either tell me... Or you get out..." I hiss at him and he looks at me even more shocked, the blood draining from his face... I can see fear in his eyes but i dont care...

"I deserve to fucking know... But if you are not willing to tell me... If you are not willing to have an adult conversation about it... You need to leave, then you can't stay here... I will never stand in the way of you and Sophie building a relationship... But i matter to... My feelings and sanity matter to... I dont want to walk around my house, my safe space... With this dark cloud looming over me... I dont deserve to have this question, eating at me every day... I dont deserve this... I did nothing to deserve this... I tried to tell you... I even put my pride aside showing up to your door... But you wouldn't want to hear me out... I dont deserve to be tortured like this... So... You either grow a pair, tell me, and you can stay... Then we can build a for lack of a better word... friendship... So, we can be the best parents we can be for Sophie... Together... In a friendly and civil matter...  Or you keep quiet like a pathetic little bitch and leave... Then you can visit Sophie... But when she is at daycare or asleep you need to leave..." I say my voice slightly raised and breathing heavy... I must look like a lunatic but i dont care. 

"The choice is yours..." I growl looking at an utterly shocked Chris...