Broken

Chapter 13

Sammie pov...

I am standing in the elevator with the grocery bags. All 5 of them hanging on my arms... They are heavy. I had bought more than usual... Maybe i had done a little wishful thinking and kept Chris in mind while doing grocery shopping... I had not been lying when i said i hoped he made the right choice. The doorman had offered to help me bring them up but i needed every second of alone time i could get... 

My mind was racing Sara's words still in my head... I was even more confused than before... I blame Sara with her can i play devil's advocate shit... Was it true?  Was i still hoping for a future as a family together? If so, how would that work...? Would i ever be able to fully trust him again...? Was it smart? Was it not better to just be co parents to Sophie...? She has to come first. I can't be selfish and chase something only to have it blow up in my face when things get tough... To have it blow up in Sophie's face... But what if it did work out... It would be nice for Sophie to have her mom and dad together. Is it true? I ask myself again... Do i still love him...? Is that why the few dates i went on have not worked out...? Did i really had been waiting for him to show up...? I want to scream... My emotions are all over the place. The fact i had barely slept was not helping in regulating them. I was driving myself crazy... I didn't even have an answer yet... But of one thing i was sure... Kim was not getting around Sophie. I do not trust her. I do not trust her not to harm my daughter.

The elevator stops and i sigh stepping out... I look at my front door and paused looking around me, i was dreading going inside... For a moment i contemplated fleeing to my neighbor... But the last thing i want is to talk about mundane things... Besides i would fall asleep... What i loved about this apartment and made me buy it, was that there were just two apartments on this floor... This meant it was always quiet and private... I got along great with my neighbor. She was this little old lady. A bit nosy but Sophie loved her, and she loved Sophie... Being the only two apartments on this floor meant they were spacious. It was not quite a penthouse but i know for New York standards i was living very well... I was fortunate enough to be able to provide Sophie with a safe place to life... I had made something of myself... My books had provided us this life... 

But with Chris here, my apartment might as well have been a shoe box... There was no escaping him... With the large open living space there was no place to hide other than the bedrooms or my office... I sigh and know i can't put it off anymore... In a few hours i had to pick up Sophie again or call Sara to pick her up. I fish my key out of my pocket and open my door... The apartment is quiet... To quiet and for a moment my blood drains from my face thinking Chris has left... I close the door behind me and i walk in... Every step fills me with dread as i make my way further into the apartment... I can't hear or see him... "Hey..." I hear a soft voice say behind me and i jump out of my skin screaming, dropping the bags to the floor the groceries spilling everywhere...

"Chris!!!" I yell as my heart is racing and he looks at me, his eyes almost popping out of his head... I am breathing heavy as my heart is just pounding in my chest. "Sorry, i didn't mean to scare you..." Chris says and i look at him guilt radiating off of him... He looks like a puppy who has just been caught doing something he should not have... I dont know why... But i start to giggle... Chris looks at me and tilts his head... It reminds me even more of a puppy and i know there is nothing funny, but my giggle turns into full on laughing... My laughing turns into me doubling over and tears running down my cheek... Every time i try to calm down i look at Chris who stands there lost not getting what is so funny making me laugh all over again... 

I get on my knees still giggling putting all the groceries back in the bags so i can carry them to the kitchen. Chris crouches down to help me and i look at him and sigh... "Sorry... I dont know why i have to laugh... Maybe i am finally going crazy..." I whisper and he smiles... "It is nice..." He says and now i am the one who tilts their head confused... "To hear you laugh again... I missed that..." Chris says as he sees my confusion... I dont answer... I dont know what to answer... I stand up again and take 2 of the bags while Chris takes the other 3...  

We are both quiet as i put the groceries away.... Chris is sitting at the counter and i am deep in my own thoughts... I dont think either one of us knows how to start... I think it feels awkward because Sophie is not here... She was not here to distract us from all the turmoil... To be the little light barrier as we were struggling with our grown-up idiocies. 

"Sammie..." Chris says his voice shaky as i had just put some cereal away. I guess the silence is over... But i can bare myself to turn around... "I owe you an apology... I am sorry... I am so sorry..." He says and i freeze... This is not good. He is apologizing... He is choosing her over us... Over Sophie... I close my eyes... The pain i am feeling is immense... In that moment i realize i really had hoped he would choose Sophie... Me and Sophie... I tell myself to be strong... I knew this was a possibility... Part of me had just not imagined him doing this... Part of me had a little faith in him... I guess i was wrong...  But i am not going to yell... I am not going to beg... I am going to hold on to the last piece of dignity i have... "At least say goodbye to Sophie... That is the least you can do... Dont just disappear out of her life..." I say suppressing a sob... That is the least he can do... Give her closure...