Broken

Chapter 20

Sammie pov...

I am nervously cleaning my apartment. Sophie is taking a nap. Chris... Chris is picking up Lisa from the airport... It has been 2 days since my panic attack. I had fallen asleep in Chris his arms... Only to wake up to an empty bed. It was weird... I had laid there staring at the ceiling for over an hour listening to the sounds of laughter coming from the kitchen from Chris and Sophie... He had let me sleep in again and i had to admit... That was nice... It was something i could get used to... To be able to sleep in every now and then... To be not the first one Sophie would run to...

I laid there thinking everything over... I had crossed a line by kissing him and i was surprised at how much i did not regret it... I was just scared. Scared that it would come back to bite me in the ass... I did not regret kissing him. But i was not ready for anything else. When his hands slipped under my shirt i stopped it... It was not that it didn't feel good... It felt too good. My body reacted almost automatically to his touch, but my mind screamed at me to stop it now... 

I am not on any form of birth control. I was not being sexually active so i did not see the point in putting all those hormones in my body... I dont have condoms in the house, maybe that is stupid but like i had said before i only had a few dates and it never crossed my mind taking them home... The more i thought about it the more i realized that i never felt any sort of attraction to any of my dates... I had gone on the dates to please Sara who said i should move on... I dont think Chris had condoms either... The last thing i needed... We needed was another pregnancy... Maybe i could have asked if he had condoms but i just wanted to slow everything down... Sex would only cloud my judgement more.

Besides i knew whenever it would happen condoms were a must for me... I didn't know what he had done over the last years. Were he has been and with whom... I had pushed that thought down quick as i did not want to think of it... The idea alone made me sick. I was well aware that women loved him, and he would not have a problem getting them in his bed... But i just didn't want to think about that... We were broken up and he could do whatever he wanted... Before we would cross that boundary, we just needed to have a talk... We needed a talk in general on how to move forward... 

He had made it clear that if i choose to go to Boston with him that he expected me and Sophie to stay with him at his place... This is what scared me the most... That house... Although it held many good memories it was tainted by one bad one... The day he shut the door in my face... I just can't get that image out of my head. The look on his face still haunted me sometimes. Sometimes i was scared that staying at that house will bring everything back... All the fear, pain and despair... Everything i worked so hard on, to get over... 

He told me i didn't have to go if i didn't want to, but i also saw the pain in his eyes when he said it... So, over the last two days i have been thinking. Maybe i could rent a little place for me and Sophie nearby... He could come over and visit her every night after work if he wanted to but i didn't have to go to his place... I know he would not like it. He was talking about making a room for Sophie... Part of me thought i was pathetic. It was just one bad memory against so many good ones... There had been a time i loved his place. Felt at home there. There was a time there was a plan for me to move in there... Was i overreacting? Was i being a baby...? Should i just push it down and get over my own fear in order for Sophie and Chris to build their relationship... In order for me and Chris to figure out what we could be. I should be strong... I could be strong to see if my dream would still be viable... 

One thing i had admitted to myself by now, was that i still loved him. That the idea of being a family made me smile. Sara had been right. Yes, he was a grown man and not blameless and we both had to make up for things. But the fact he had been played had helped with getting over everything in a way. The hurt was still there... We were still not like we were, but it seems like we both wanted to. He wanted to fix the big issue i was having and that was Kim... That must count for something... He was showing me he would do anything to fix us... I had noticed he would let me set the pace... I was in control. But would that still be the case in Boston... In his house... His domain. He had told me i could take the guestroom... I could make it my room in any way i wanted... But after sleeping next to him that night i knew that was not going to happen. I had slept like a baby feeling so comfortable and safe in his arms. I had slept next to him again last night. He was respectful let me decide if i wanted to cuddle... He was not pushing for anything. He has always been respectful so i was not scared of him pushing things i was not ready for.

Maybe i should just try... I could always rent a place or go back home. I had the means to rent a place. It was not like i would be stuck. I had my place in New York and i could easily afford to rent a place in Boston if it would not work. I had talked with Sara yesterday and she encouraged me to try... She said she would be sad to see me leave New York but that she wanted me to be happy... She pointed out that when i talked about Chris that i started to smile. That she would be there if i needed her. It was only a 5-hour drive... She would be there and pick me up if i wanted to go home...

I had talked with Liam to... He said the same. To my surprise he said he could see the love Chris had for me even if it was just in a brief interaction... He told me he could see the pain in Chris his eyes when i had driven off with Sara in the car the night at the bar... His words. "What do you got to lose..." Followed by an explanation. If it works out, you will be happy... If it doesn't you know and dont have to spend your life wondering what if... That I could close that chapter and move on... That we could co parent and i could find someone who would make me happy... When i said, what about Sophie he had sighed. That for once i should be a little selfish. Sophie would still have her dad and that i was not the type of woman to ever take that away from her. He was right but still. That house... The memories of that day... It was in the back of my mind constantly. 

That was all going through my mind laying in my bed listening to Sophie squeal... Squeals of joy... She absolutely adored Chris... And he adored her. I wanted them to spend more time together... Deep down i knew i was going to go... That i loved the last days spend with him here. That i loved the little family vibe we had. I sighed and groaned... 

I better make an appointment with my doctor... I need a form of birth control because i dont think i would be able to hold out very long... It would be a lie if i had not thought about sex with Chris... It had always been damn good... He had not been my first... But he had been the first guy who ever gave me an orgasm... I chuckled. Maybe that was what i was drawn to me... Maybe i should just fuck him to get it out of my system... I know it would be good... It had been so long ago that i had sex... Would i even know how to anymore... Not only that... My body... My body had changed... I had stretchmarks... My boobs were not as perky anymore due to breastfeeding. My ass was bigger... I didn't have time to work out as much as i did before i became pregnant... I am not in bad shape... I knew that i still turned heads, but still... It was not the body he remembers. What if he would be disgusted with me... I dont think i would get over the shame of that... Maybe that is why i stopped him... I was happy he gave me some privacy to get changed...

At that point i had gotten out of bed... I was getting frustrated. I had taken a cold shower before joining Chris and Sophie in the kitchen... Sophie who was covered in chocolate but with the biggest smile on her face... For that smile... I would do anything... But first i needed to see Lisa... I knew if i was okay with Lisa it would all be okay. 

Chris had called his mother the day after my little break down and she was excited to come over for a visit... She had not been on the speaker but i could hear her through the phone... Chris had booked her a flight and that is where we were now... Me anxiously cleaning the house as i didn't want her to think i was a terrible mother. I wanted her to see i got my ducks in a row... While he was picking her up from the airport... I had put Sophie down for an early nap so she would be well rested and not groggy from lack of sleep... I wanted Lisa to love Sophie... She would be part of Sophie's life in one way or another. 

Then i hear the front door... I hear Lisa and Chris talking... And i hold my breath... Make or break time...