Broken

Chapter 18

Sammie pov...

Chris is crying in my arms. I could not ignore it. He had comforted me this afternoon and now it was my turn to comfort him... I know this all isn't easy on him to. His life has been turned upside down to and sometimes i forget that... I was no stranger to him crying. He never was ashamed about crying. He is an emotional man... Not like some men who think they are too tough to cry. As crazy as it sounds i have always loved that about him... He was never scared to show me his emotions... I hate it when he cries though... Always did... I hate when he is sad... But this is beyond sad... He cries like he is in pain... It is heartbreaking and hurts...

His head buried in my chest his arms wrapped around my waist... He has a death grip on me. He is holding me as if he is scared that i will disappear in thin air. Hearing him being scared that Sophie is going to forget him is heartbreaking. I can understand it... I think he is scared of missing out even more from Sophie growing up... I dont think she will forget him. But i can understand the fear. I also feel a wave of guilt wash over me... Doubt sets in. Is it my fault we are where we are... Could i have tried harder... I know i could have called Lisa... Or his brother or sisters to ask them to tell him to talk to me... I could have sent him a letter... I was just so hurt when he slammed the door in my face... Hell,  i could have yelled through the door...But i was so hurt and angry that the little bit of pride i still had took over...

Sophie is growing up so fast and i swear you can see her grow before your eyes every day... Every day she does something new... "She asked me if i was going to stay here with you and her..." Chris sobs and i sigh... I close my eyes to keep my own emotions at bay. This is what scares me... I am scared how Sophie will react when Chris has to leave... I dont want her to hate me or him... She is happy having us both around... Maybe i am even scared about how i am going to feel about it. The fact that i still loved him was getting harder and harder to deny... Which scared me... Which confused me... I dont want to get hurt again... Can i trust him to not let us fall the moment things get tough again...

But i would be lying if i said i had not thought about the day he had to go... I had thought about it before, it kept me up at night... I had gone through all the options. 

1, He leaves, and they keep in contact through video calls and such things... But i dont know if that is the way to go... Video calls are not the same... It is nothing like giving Sophie a cuddle or a kiss... Through video call you can't watch a movie cuddled up on the couch. You can't do fun things like boardgames... She will be sad and through a phone screen he could not comfort her...

2, He doesn't leave. He stays here with me and Sophie... I know it is not an option. He has his work. I dont want him to resent Sophie for putting his career on pause... I know how you can be hot and happening one day and a nobody. In his line of work, you need to work to not be forgotten... I know he has a solid fan base but still... I dont want to ruin his career... I dont want the risk of him blaming us for it... A little part of me knows he would give it up if that is what is needed but i did not want him to. He loves his work. I would not be happy if someone asked me to give my job up...

3, We go with him... I dont know where his new project is... I dont know if it is smart... But my job can be done from everywhere... All i need is my laptop and an internet connection... Sophie is not going to school yet... She and i are able to travel with him to wherever he needs to be... But is that what is best for Sophie...? Is that what is best for me... It feels like such a big step to just pack up and go with him. 

I sigh and just hold him rubbing his back up and down as he still cries in my arms... His crying has turned into softly sobbing... My mind is racing. I am scared to tell him the options. Because i know if tell him number 3 he will set things in motion as soon as possible... The thing holding me back is my fear... The fear of my own feelings. Sara's words are still in my head... She keeps insisting that i love him and i know she is right... But is love enough... Love can fade and then what... 

I take a deep breath and gently pry Chris off of me... He is resisting a little bit but eventually gives in... I take his face in my hands. His face is read and puffy... His cheeks tear stained... His eyes are sad, and it breaks me... "Ssssh... Please dont cry... I hate it when you cry..." I whisper my voice trembling as i rub my thumbs over his cheeks wiping away his tears... I swallow away all my fears... "We... We can find a solution..." I whisper letting out a deep breath and i see a sliver of hope in his eyes and i hope i am doing the right thing... I dont want him to get the wrong idea because i dont know if i am ready to fully give in... But i can't resist kissing his cheek.  

As i pull back we stare at each other for a few seconds...I know i have fucked up... I have broken my last boundary... I know i should not have done that because i can't resist anymore... I lean in and peck his lips... Short... just a little peck... But it has me longing for more... I peck his lips again... It is like i want to kiss all his tears away... It is like i can't stop myself... Or maybe i am just tired of fighting my emotions... Tired of the constant doubt, the constant chaos in my head... What did not help was the fact that as soon as our lips touched my mind went quiet... When our lips touched it was like everything just disappeared. 

I know we had kissed before when we were taking a nap with Sophie... But this felt different... There was no Sophie between us now... Nothing to stop us... I kissed him again, this time a second longer... And again... And again... Every time the kiss got longer... Every time the kiss got needier, more desperate... Till a point i just wrapped my arms around his neck and fully kissed him melting into him... The chaos in my head was replaced by sparks and fireworks... Finally, my mind had stopped overthinking, and the silence in my head was a welcome one. The calm that washed over me was making my body relax and i could feel all the tension leave my body...

His arms wrap around me as he lets out a soft grunt. He lifts me up and moves me into his lap never breaking the kiss...  His tongue begs for access... I dont have the energy to fight it anymore and grant him access... Our tongues doing their sensual dance...A little moan escapes me... My hands in his soft hair as his hands glide all over my back setting my body in overdrive... The kiss is passionate... It feels like this kiss is tearing down the last bricks of the wall i had pulled up... A kiss that was 3 years overdue... A kiss that was like the cure, to all the hurt...

When we finally pulled apart... We were both breathing heavy, our foreheads pressed together... I take a deep breath. I was scared that as soon as the kiss was over the chaos would come back... But no... There is nothing but silence in my head... In that moment i knew... I knew we should go with him... I know i should give it a chance... Not only for Sophie... But also, for me... I am done fighting my feelings... Sara was right. It was okay to still love him. It was okay to want that family life... 

"Sammie..." He whispers his voice hoarse but i shake my head before crashing my lips on his again... I dont know why but i am not ready to talk yet as i have no words to explain this sudden change in me... Another breath-taking kiss follows. Hands all over each other... My body in overdrive and it takes everything in me to not... 'climb him like a tree'... just like Sara had said. His touch feels so good... Just like i remembered.   "We will go with you..." I blurt out clearing my throat when we break the kiss to breathe again... 

"What?" He asks pulling back and my heart drops... He doesn't want us to come with him... Omg i am so stupid... How could i have been so stupid... I am a fool... Yes, he was sad but i guess not so sad that he wanted to drag us along. My whole body tensed up as i feel so stupid... I gave in and he seems to break me all over again... As i try to pull out of his arms he holds me only tighter and i look at him i need to know... Better get it over with... I need to know where we stand...

"You dont want us to?" I ask my voice squeaky, feeling the tears start to come... But before i can even ask his anything else he crashes his lips back on mine... "No, love... I never thought it was an option..." He murmurs into the kiss with tears in his eyes.  We break the kiss and let out a sigh of relief and i bury my head in his neck... My body relaxes again... "Of course, i want you two with me... I just never thought you would suggest that..." He says with a soft smile on his face...

I smile back before crashing my lips on his again...