Broken

Chapter 8

Chris pov...

I take a deep breath and sit down on the couch pouring myself another drink. Sammie had just walked out... Her words still ringing in my head... "You are pathetic.... You are pathetic..." Over and over again... It felt like a slap in the face... A well-deserved slap. 

She is right though... I am a pathetic... I am a pathetic coward... All she wants is an answer. An answer she deserves. I just can't find the words and i feel so ashamed... I know i have to tell her... I have to tell her what led up to that faithful day... The day i made the biggest mistake of my life. 

Maybe i could start by telling her that... Telling her that i regret that day... So, so much. I dont know how long i sit there thinking about what to say... Or better, how to say it... I know i have to be honest. If i ever want a chance with Sammie i have to be honest and put all my cards on the table... Maybe even tell her that it is not only Sophie i am here for... The last couple of days although awkward was amazing... I felt a sense of calm i had not felt in a long time... Even if our relationship was nothing like it used to be i was happy... Being here with Sophie and Sammie made me happy. 

I dont know how long i was sitting here... I had another drink the brown liquid not doing much to ease the nerves and shame. I slam my drink back and pour myself another one. I let the fluid swirl in my glass looking at it as if the answer is in there... 

But then i feel her... I can feel her presence in the room... I look up and there she stands... Her face is puffy, her eyes red from crying. But there is a fire in her eyes... She is angry... No... Not angry it is worse... She is pissed. I have seen her angry before... But nothing like this... I feel my heart start to race. I dont know why but her demeanor scares me... Sammie is normally this soft, sweet caring person... She is this person that believes in second chances and sees the good in people... She is someone who wants to believe people are overall good... She hates confrontation and hates fighting. 

I remember what Ma once told me... She is too good for this world. Sometimes she is too sweet, but i think you need sweet... Cherish her... But above all, protect her or the world will eat her alive... Promise me you will protect her from the big bad world... I dont think Ma would say that about the person standing here now... Ma would been proud of her... Of her biting back... Sammie standing up for herself definitely would make her smile. 

"Sammie... i..." I start to say putting my drink down and standing up...But she holds up her hand to shut me up. The look in her eyes shuts me up... Her first sentence... "You either tell me... Or you have to leave." Feels like a punch to the gut... It feels like all the air disappears from my lungs... The blood drains from my face as the realizations sets in that she is going to kick me out... She wants me to leave... I dont want to leave... I dont want to leave her and Sophie ever again... I start to panic... But i dont get the time to panic...

She starts to speak again... She goes off... It feels like i get punch after punch... Although she tells me that she would never stand in the way of me and Sophie getting a relationship, she makes it perfectly clear that i either talk or not be welcome to stay here... She is breathing heavy and so pissed... She is just desperate for an answer... Is there a thing as Angry desperation? If there is Sammie is that... Her harsh words hurt... But i know i deserve them... 

When she is done giving me the choice, between staying here and talking or shutting up and leaving. She seems tired and drained. I take a deep breath as it is now or never... I can't lose her... But the fear of talking and losing her anyway is scary... But she is right... I need to grow a pare and stop being a little bitch. I clear my throat...

"I want to tell you... But i am scared, so scared... Scared that you will hate me if i tell you..." I say looking at me feet... Sammie scoffs and i look at her. "Hate you?  Well i got a newsflash for you Evans... Not really your biggest fan right now either... I dont care what was the reason... I just need to know... I need to know because it is driving me insane... I thought we were happy... We talked about moving in together... We talked about a future... A future together... Just a day before everything happened you told me how much you loved me... My mind just can't make sense of it... I could understand if i had cheated on you... I could understand if i had humiliated you... Or treated you like crap... I could understand if i had taken you for granted... But i dont understand... Because i never did anything like that... All i did was love you... God i loved you so much that i thought i was going to die when you walked out on me.... As long as you were not around i could let it go... But if you are going to be around... I need to know... I need to know what i did that you just cut me off like i never meant anything to you... It was like you flipped a switch... I need to know so we can move forward in a civil matter." She explains and i nod... 

"I know... I know you are right... You deserve to know... I want you to know i never stopped loving you... God i still love you... Not a day has gone by that i not regret leaving you. I hate myself for hurting you... I hate myself even more because my actions made me miss 3 years of Sophie's life... Not only that... I was not there to spoil you during your pregnancy... Or help you during the hard times... I was not there to hold your hand during labor... I didn't get to do all the fun stuff like coming up with names and seeing the first ultrasound... Finding out the gender... I want to make it right..." I say and she sighs. 

"Well, the first step to have a good parenting relationship is to talk... We have to put everything out on the table because i can't have you around and resent you... It is not good for Sophie, not for you... And it definitely not good for my own fucking sanity..." Sammie says and i nod... She takes another deep breath and takes a step closer... 

"An adult conversation... No yelling... No blame... No reproach. It doesn't matter as to why as weird as that sounds because i am asking you, why... I just need to know... It is driving me crazy not knowing. We can't change the past. What is done is done... I just need to understand. So, i can put it to rest... So, i can give it a place... So, i can have you around and not feel anger and resentment...  So, i can move on without looking at you and wonder where I'd gone wrong... I need to know what i did that you all of a sudden cut me off... I promise to listen... I promise not to resent you for telling me the truth... No judgement..." She says taking another deep breath... 

"Wel... Maybe a little judgement..." She says giving me a small smile... A little joke... A little remark to tell me it is okay to tell her... That it is safe to tell her. She no longer looks pissed... But there is still a bit of desperation in her eyes. I put my hand on her face and for a moment she closes her eyes... I rub a tear away that rested on her cheek... She put her hand over mine opening her eyes again... She removed my hand but did not let it go...  

"Okay..." I say taking a deep breath and without letting her hand go, i sit down... She sits down beside me and i take a deep breath... Time to put everything out on the table... Time to tell her the truth... It is make or break time...