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64

Taylor's pov

"Are you ready for your appointment today?" Katrina asked, knocking on the opened bedroom door as she walked in.

I groaned, rolling over and covering my face with a pillow.

"You have an hour until we have to leave. I let you sleep it," I could feel the bed dip as she sat down next to me, patting my leg, "And Colby's not here, neither is Sam,"

"Where'd they go?" I asked, peeking open my eyes and looking at her.

"Out," She shrugged before grabbing my hand and pulling it, "Come on, we can get Starbucks or something,"

"Starbucks!" I sat up excitedly, "Wait, if I'm pregnant I can't drink coffee,"

"I know," She smiled, "But you're up now. I'll leave you to get ready," She stood up, patting off her pants as she walked out of Colby's room, shutting the door behind her.

I sat still, rubbing my eyes and stretching. There was no need to rush, I didn't have the motivation to put on makeup or put on fancy clothes.

I slid out of the bed, putting the blankets back so they laid flat on the bed.

Digging through my bag, my hand accidentally bumped on one of the pregnancy tests. I pulled it out, finding myself staring at it for who knows how long.

It was this stick that told me that I was pregnant. Pregnant when I shouldn't be, pregnant with a man who wasn't ready for commitment let alone a child. It was this stick that indicated my life was changed forever.

I shook my head, shoving it back down into my bag and pulling out my shorts and matching long sleeved crop top. I put my hair up in a bun, not bothering to brush it.

Last night, Katrina and I got to talking. Mainly it was about Colby, and she told me all about his past. Even the things that he has yet to tell me and probably won't.

She told me about Meghan, the girl who he loved with everything he was. She had been pregnant, just like me, and Katrina warned of how protective he will be once he finds out because of it.

Meghan was Katrina's best friend before Stas came along shortly after Meghan died. I could only feel sad for her because Meghan was Katrina's Ryan. They did everything together, and she had known about the baby before she died.

She admitted to feeling scared for me, scared I might do something similar and hurt everyone around me by doing so. I assured her repeatedly that I would never do that, I could never leave this world by taking my own life.

If I was to die, I wanted to go out with a bang. But not yet, I had my whole life to live.

I brushed my teeth while I thought about this, rinsing my face off with cold water to wake myself up. I found myself staring into the mirror, getting lost in my reflection.

My face was bloated, my legs were pale, my hair was too long and needed to be cut. I was unrecognizable compared to what I used to look like just over a month ago, where I was tanned and thin. I've clearly gained weight, not enough for others to make fun of but enough that I noticed.

I thought about doing what Angelina and I had done at her house the other day, where she was "Colby" and I just talked.

But this time, it was only me. I was talking to myself in the mirror.

"I feel like sometimes my feelings aren't valid," I admitted to myself, listening to see if anyone was walking around that could hear me.

"That I'm just overthinking everything and it'll all be fine in the end. Nothing is happening, you're just out with friends. But are you?" I asked, wondering how honest Colby has been with me, with everyone else around us.

"That's not right of me to think, how dare I come up with something so absurd. "I'm out with friends. I'll be there soon," I'm not playing in the dirt but of course you assume the worst. Maybe I should just go home, give you my phone, lay in bed beside you later and pretend I'm not matching your heartbeat to cry to so you can't hear me,"

I sounded pitiful, but I was making myself feel better the more I spoke, "Maybe this is all just a dream, maybe I'm overthinking. I'm not in my right mind. This is wrong. I am wrong. You left to help someone you knew, I was okay with that. Why wouldn't I be? You wouldn't ever just tell me a lie just to leave, would you? No you wouldn't,"

I sighed, leaning on the counters with my hands, "But you do. Which is crazy but who cares? You can waltz in just normal, not let me know when even though you've been there for hours,"

"I've started to take two showers, one to wash myself and one to cry in. Just sitting there, the thoughts run through my mind,"

"Why, why do I do this to myself. I know I'll never be her, I know, deep down you miss her. You need a replacement for the girl you lost so long ago, and now you have two. Why am I here if I know you don't love me the way you should? Content with being lonely or just to have someone to hold, I love you,"

I laughed at how stupid I sounded, but I continued anyways, "Deep down I really do, which is why I stay and deal with these days. The rain, the sun, the winter breaks. Honestly, where else could I go? I have no friends, made sure of that. I'll just stay then, lonely and well, I guess sad. Empty conversations and yelling matches can be beneficial for us, right?"

I wiped my face, taking a shaky breath before continuing, "Because you love me, right? Well of course you love me, maybe you love me. But I know that I'll never be her. So maybe I'm wrong. Maybe you love the thought of having someone here. Maybe I remind you of her,"

"Maybe you just want my body warmth because she's no longer here. Maybe my doubts should just go away, and this is all a ruse, a sick twisted game that my mind is playing on me. You won't leave me, but you could. It's really all because I'm not her and she isn't me. So maybe you don't love me."

"Taylor?" Katrina shouted from somewhere outside of Colby's room, "Are you ready? We have to go!"

"Yeah," I said quietly, backing off the counter and walking out of the bathroom before repeating myself in a tone she could hear, "I'll be down in a second!"

I accepted that after this appointment my life would never be the same.

And that I'd probably raise this child on my own.