Fighter: Dean Winchester (REVAMPED VERSION)

yellow ғever;pαrт oɴe

A/N: Reuploaded because the font I used was wonky. Sorry guys, hope everything is more legible now!

-

October '08

One of the downsides of life on the road is the inability to avoid thinking. It doesn't matter how many radio stations you shift through or how many of your favorite songs you listen to on the highest volume.

In the car, you're always bound to think.

Think about the past, future, what-ifs - the maybes. You think about the good times - the bad. You laugh, mourn, grieve, cry, regret - contemplate.

For me, since leaving home, I've felt betrayed. I've mulled over the unfortunate reality that my stepmother thought she needed to be what my mother was, and I can't help but wonder:

What is my mother?

Who was my mother?

I thought I knew her.

I know nothing of the woman who spoke to me in riddles and left me to figure out the pieces to a puzzle that she should have put together for my dad and me.

My mother was an actress playing a role.

A fraud.

A liar.

At least that's how I feel.

Maybe I'm wrong for feeling the way I do. But I won't ignore it just because she's gone.

Dad says she wanted to protect me.

All parents say that not realizing the truth is the only way to protect a child. Not keep them in the dark; not medicate them and hope for the best. Hope the problem just disappears.

I told my father I forgave him, and I do. I want a fresh start.

We need a fresh start.

But it still hurts to know that I might be better off if my parents had just told the truth.

Maybe I'm being too hard on them.

I don't have kids.

What do I know?

The best thing I can do is believe they did their best with what they had.

Anyway, lately, I've been feeling like a better version of myself. I'm eating again (Sam and Dean make sure of that). I've realized the headaches and superhearing aren't an issue until I'm in crowded places.

I've been sleeping too, not resting.

There's a difference.

Every time I close my eyes, I dream about my mom.

Latest episode? "You're a special girl, Nadia," she told me. "There are others who will try to convince you that you're a disgrace. Don't ever listen to them. You will be just as worthy as the rest. You'll see."

Now that I know my mother had family issues. I can only assume being pregnant with me didn't make it any better. I can't help but think I wasn't supposed to survive my first kidnap.