Attack on Titan: Revelations

Graduation Surprises

Soaked, cold and tired. Not a great combination to be when enduring a gruelling assessment in the rain and carrying a weight that's almost the same as your body. Gripping the straps and forcing myself to run harder I pushed on through the slippery mud and dark forest. Last night hadn't been a great source of sleep, neither had the night before that or any in the last few weeks, to be honest. The three years had been hard but enjoyable and now that they were coming to an end I had started to consider the mission and its implications more, it kept me up at night thinking. It scared me knowing what I'd have to do, it scared me that I'd have to leave my friends and it hurt deeply to think how they would react when they inevitably discover the truth. I questioned if I even wanted to go through with the mission, what would happen if I just stayed here? So sleep doesn't come. I only get a few hours a night now and it's starting to affect my appearance. My complexion has become pale and my eyes seem to be constantly surrounded by dark rings now and I would be lying if I said that my body was keeping up with my demands as well, all too often I find that I just can't push myself as hard as I used to. I saw Sasha in my peripheral vision fighting to keep up with me, no doubt to continue the conversation she had been trying to instigate ever since she saw me at breakfast.

Sasha: Nightmares again?

Y/N: Yeah.

Sasha: You're lying, what's wrong?

Y/N: Bad dreams.

Sasha: Lies.

I started to grow irritated again which was happening a lot more quickly and frequently now, I was ashamed to say that I had lashed out at my friends a few times before and it had taken a while for me to apologise. It hurt them deeply, I could tell they're not used to this from me of all people but I just can't control it. I can't take the stress of what I'm doing anymore, how do they even cope with what we're going to have to do?

Y/N: How do you guys cope with all of this, do you not feel the guilt or the pain?

Sasha: Y/N! What's wrong? You've been acting strangely for a few weeks now and everyone's starting to take notice. We want to help you. I want to help you! You said we're a team and I don't forget what you said about supporting me on the cliffside, so please just tell me! I know you too well to know that you're lying to us.

Y/N: Just leave me alone Sasha, I need some space.

I pushed harder, muscles aching worse now as I neared a tall figure with his hood up a few metres behind Shadis.

Bertholdt: You shouldn't have gotten so attached to them, I warned you three years ago and you didn't listen.

Y/N: Can you honestly blame me?

Bertholdt: No, but you need to stop this or you'll end up destroying yourself before we even get close to the mission objective.

Y/N:....

He fixed me with a concerned and sad look on his face.

Bertholdt: Perhaps you better miss dinner tonight, get some extra rest.

Y/N: Alright, I'll try.

The same again, just a few hours of sleep. Nothing changes. I'm still staring at the ceiling lost in thought in the middle of the night, listening to the copious amounts of snoring coming from Connie and the multitudes we share a dormitory with. I vaguely saw movement next to me as Connie had woken himself up somehow, rubbing his eyes he looked over as if checking on me. He developed an angry expression when he realised I was awake and began to furiously whisper to me.

Connie: Y/N! What the hell are you doing? Why are you up at 3:30 am staring at the ceiling?

I replied in a monotone voice.