Something so easy to say, but nearly impossible to get in the household.
I knew I was going to later regret eating cream cheese on ciabatta.
Ana told me to not "fatten [myself] up".
First of all...
I don't eat significant sources of carbohydrates more than once a day.
How else do you think I was able to lose weight?
Either way, it's not enough.
Should I just stop eating carbs?
I'm 12.5% Asian, I can't do that. Rice is a vital source of our meals.
It's tricky at first, but eventually, you'll become a master at hiding your tracks (or true self).
I eat what Ana approves of, and if I starve, I'll eat a healthy side, however, this is rare.
I remember the time Ana made extreme cutbacks on my food like it was just yesterday...
Earlier in the Pandemic- Summer 2020:
My weight hit an all-time high: 125 Lbs. Obviously, I hated myself for letting a silly pandemic take over my physical health.
However, I think Ana hated me more than I hated myself.
She gave me a HUGE lecture about diet and exercise and compared her diet to mine.
Since I'm half Ana's size, I should be eating half of what Ana eats, right?
RIGHT?!
This was an eye-opening experience for me. I knew that in order to maintain a healthy lifestyle, I needed to stop eating disgusting-sized portions.
I would only eat what my stomach could handle and not satisfy my cravings every time.
What I wasn't expecting was this:
A cup of fruit for breakfast, a salad or half a sandwich for lunch, and meat with veggies or the other half of my lunch sandwich. If I got hungry during the day, no more than two apples.
What am I, a prisoner?
To be honest, this would've been my golden ticket to getting CPS involved.
This does qualify as neglect.
I had more than enough food to eat, but Ana wouldn't let me eat any of it.
And I couldn't sneak any either, because of the human detectors on our in-home security systems (they are EVERYWHERE, so be careful what you do. Even if you don't think they can see you, Ana and Patrick will find out and go after your ass about it.)
There you go CPS, there's your "physical abuse" that you needed in addition to the verbal abuse I've been receiving my whole life. Now can you get involved?
I couldn't contact them.
I was too scared.
What's the point anyways? Ana and Patrick are just going to deny everything, and since I'm just a kid, no one will believe me.
We were in a pandemic. Everything was still shut down. Even if they did get involved, I wouldn't want to be stuck with punishments for who knows how long until the pandemic ends.
Yeah, I'm definitely a sissy.
I think the most important question is...did I lose weight?
Yes.
But at what cost?
My self-esteem, happiness, energy levels, interest in things that I loved, nourishment.
You can starve yourself all you want, but it won't solve all of your problems.
However, I've got to admit that I loved running around my neighbourhood.
That was about the only good thing I got out of this...whatever this is.
You can call it whatever you want: physical abuse, neglect, malnourishment, tough love, Ana caring about my physical health, child endangerment, a wake-up call.
But I prefer to call it bloody hell.
Thank science this "restricting" only lasted two weeks.
I had lost so much weight, that Ana "rewarded" me with normal-sized portions. Portions that actually filled me up, wouldn't make me die during my workouts, and most importantly...
Nourished my body.
I hope Ana and Patrick are feeding you well.
If they aren't...
GET OUT WHILE YOU STILL CAN!
I have to go eat dinner now. To be honest, I don't want to eat anything ever again!
I want to look good. I'm sick and tired of being body-shamed or told reasons why Angelina is perfection compared to me and why I should "follow her example."
UPDATE: I went 2 weeks without granola and decided to let Ana buy them again. I'm super duper excited because I experienced quite the granola withdrawal on Monday when I ate my yoghurt without it. Even though it won't help in terms of my daily calories or macros, I'm allowing myself to eat a small bowl of them with milk. I wanted to show myself that I am worth more than what my (now former) family members depict of me.
ANOTHER UPDATE (The NEXT DAY): I completely regret eating that granola right before I was going to sleep. I ended up getting a stomach ache and couldn't sleep the night before, and I STILL have it now. Working out is going to be a pain in the ass.
