Can't Shake You

(45) Getting Him Help

A few days later...

Bucky's vent was removed and he started to come to. Suddenly his heart rate sped up rapidly and he screamed Addie's name. He also said that he was he's sorry and to not leave him. Winnie and James tried to talk Bucky out of his dream. Bucky finally became coherent after some time. He was shaking and crying.

"Mama?" Bucky said weakly when he opened his eyes.

"Yeah James baby," Winnie replied holding his hand.

Bucky looked around confused then asked, "Where am I?"

James took a deep breath and said, "James son you are at the hospital."

"W-What? W-What h-happened?" Bucky asked.

"Son, me and your brothers found you at your house barely breathing because you didn't show up for your shifts," James responded.

Bucky swallowed hard.

"James son, Dr. Elliott found several different narcotics and alcohol in your system. Your body was surrounded by pictures of you and Addie, Addie's performance DVD was playing on your TV, there were pictures of you circled with marker, a red diary, letters from Addie to you, your phone had a slideshow of pictures of you and Addie and you were wearing Addie's promise ring on a necklace around your neck. Not to mention the empty bottles of liquor and drugs," James stated.

Winnie looked at Bucky with tears in her eyes as she said, "James honey, what happened?"

Tears started falling down Bucky's face. He took a deep breath then whispered, "She got married. I saw her with him the night I found out she was back. She was happier than I've ever seen her. Then I saw their wedding invitation in your kitchen when I picked up the kids before you were leaving to go to the wedding. I overheard you two talking about when you were going to get on the road and finding out Brighton and his wife Devyn were invited too."

"So that's why you asked me if I knew she was back in town," Winnie replied.

Bucky nodded with his head down.

"So why did you snap son?" James asked gently.

"Because I saw the pictures and videos of the wedding. Brighton posted some along with Daria and Sasha. There was also pictures of the bridal party. Steve was the best man and Nat was the Matron of Honor. The whole crew was in their wedding and it made me think of when they all told me and Yelena no when we asked them to be apart of ours. Plus that was supposed to me marrying her not him," Bucky said softly while crying.

Winnie and James nodded.

"I tried talking to her at Easter last year, but she blew me off, told me she hated me, to leave her alone and to forget about her. It destroyed my heart so bad. I thought what Yelena did to me was karma, but having to see Addie completely in love and married to another man is so much worse. I feel like I have nothing else left to live for because the woman I love despises me and found somebody that clearly is crazy in love with her. Plus nobody cares about me because everyone has left me," Bucky replied wiping his tears.

"James honey don't say that," Winnie said through tears.

"It's true Mom. After I hurt Addie, everyone for the most part quit talking to me. Addie and the crew hate me. Only our parents and grandparents came to me and Yelena's wedding. We weren't invited to any of the crew's weddings, vacations or anything. They totally ignored me and Yelena in high school and college. Our dreams of going to college, medical school and nursing together went down the drain. Me and Yelena haven't met any of their kids and they want nothing to do with ours. Mom and Dad you all have even kind of distanced yourselves some from me along with the rest of the family," Bucky said.

"Son we understand that you are hurting tremendously and these consequences are major, but at some point you need to take accountability for your part in all of this. That's why everyone continues to be upset with you. Plus you refuse to do what Addie has said which is leave her alone. She's married now son and there's nothing you can do about it. Don't take the coward way out like Yelena did. Fess up to your mistakes without excuses and blame and make amends, " James stated.

Bucky looked down as he swallowed hard.

"Now honey we're going to get you some help because clearly your hurt is a lot deeper than I think you even know. I've already talked to the therapist on staff here and she recommended Dr. Cynthia Baxter for when you are released. All that we ask is for the sake of your children to please try in therapy," Winnie said in tears.

"Ok Mama," Bucky said wiping his tears.

"Now Dr. Elliott should be coming in soon to check on you and Dr. Blanchard will be your therapist while you're here," James said.

A week later...

Bucky was sitting in the therapy office across from Dr. Cynthia Baxter.

"So James why are you here?" She asked.

"Well I'm hurt, but the biggest thing is because I tried take my life by taking drugs and drinking myself almost to death," Bucky said looking down.

"Ok let's explore that. Why did you want to take your life?" She asked.

"Because no one cares about me," he replied.

"Why do you say that? It seems like your parents care a lot about you. Your mom was the one who set up this appointment," she responded.

"Yeah, but they really haven't been there for me over this last decade," he said feeling tears welling up in his eyes.

"What happened?" She asked.

"I made a huge mistake, by cheating on my ex-girlfriend Addelyn with my late wife Yelena when we were dating," he said looking down.

Dr. Baxter wrote down notes as she said, "Tell me more about that."

"Addelyn and I were together from 7th grade to 9th grade. She wasn't really big on partying, PDA and doing certain things that I liked at the time. And when I was ready for sex she wasn't. She made me wait six months while all our other friends in our group were losing their virginities. One night at a party, I snapped at her. That happened to be the first time me and Yelena, my late wife slept together. She performed oral and then took my virginity that night. We continued seeing each other until Addie gave herself to me on our spring break trip to Disney World. She realized I wasn't a virgin because she talked the other girls about their experiences. She confronted me and at first I denied it, but then admitted I cheated just not with who. She broke up with me on the spot, threw her promise ring at me and left our room," Bucky said feeling ashamed hearing it again out loud.

"Wow... Ok so why has that been an issue currently and with your parents?" She asked.

"Because Addie's mom is my mom's stepsister. My mom's dad married her mom's mom. When they were in college. Also that night I made the stupidest decision and tried to sleep with Yelena hours after Addie broke up with me. Our friends busted us before we could and all hell broke loose. Yelena is actually the ex-girlfriend to one of my former friends Pietro. Addie, my parents, her parents, all the other parents who are the heir own friend group with our parents and the crew put together all the times that I was cheating on Addie right there including the day before when I left Addie and my two best friends at the pool to go have sex with Yelena in her hotel room. Then hours later took Addie's virginity," Bucky stated swallowing the lump in his throat.

"Oh my... Ok so what happened when everyone figured everything out?" she asked.

"Addie slapped me, asked how me how long it was which, went off and told me and Yelena we were dead to her. My former best friend Steve, beat the sh*t out of me. My former friend Carol beat the sh*t out of Yelena. All of our friends immediately ended their friendships with us. Our parents yelled at us apart making us move into their hotel suites and my dad slapped the sh*t out of me because he knew it was going to change all the relationships. He also told me a lot of consequences that would happen to me and Yelena which now are absolutely true," Bucky replied.

"Like that," Dr. Baxter said making more notes.

"I told my dad that I loved Yelena too. He told me that I loved her because she was giving me sex. And that we all would see just how much I loved Teens when Addie started seeing other guys. Well everything he and my mom said that night was true. I had to watch Addie date some of my enemies, party, dance with other guys. She changed into someone bold and different. She changed her hair, her style and got tattoos and piercings," he started looking down remembering when he saw her at the open house right before sophomore year.

"How did it make you feel?" She asked.

"Like my heart was being ripped to pieces. Jealous, angry, sad you make it," he replied.

"Did you act on those feelings?" She asked

Bucky nodded then proceeded to tell her about pulling Addie out of the party, so the times he got jealous at parties and in the locker room or when he saw her with other guys.

"What about Yelena?" She asked making notes.

Bucky swallowed hard, but then told her about the pregnancy scare, them dating, all the pregnancies, miscarriages, her trapping him with Asher, their marriage and the affairs she revealed on her suicide letter.

"Was there anything else that hurt you with Addie?" she asked.

"Yeah. I found out after we all graduated college and right before we all started graduate schools that Addie was pregnant with my baby from that night I took her virginity. But she aborted it when she saw and overheard Yelena telling me that she was also potentially pregnant with my baby at the same time. And the reason I tried to my life recently was because I found out she moved back here and just got married a couple of weeks ago."

"Hmmm ok. Do you still love her?" Dr. Baxter asked.

Bucky nodded looking down.

"Let me ask this. I've noticed based off of what you told me, that you are asserting control, abusive and narcissistic behavior," she said.

Bucky swallowed hard remembering everyone who said that to him.

"Was there something in your past that makes you act this way?" She asked looking at him.

Bucky swallowed hard as tears fell down his face. "When I was eleven years old, my older brothers Brenton and Brayden were already in high school. One night they were having a party. This girl who thought I was also a teenager because of my size..."

Bucky swallowed again and took a breath.

"It's ok take your time," Dr. Baxter affirmed.

Bucky swallowed hard again and responded, "She cornered me in my room after I had gone downstairs for a pop and a snack. I don't know if she was drunk or not, but she felt me up. Then she pulled me out of my shorts and underwear even though I asked her to stop. She told me I was well endowed and then started to jerk me. I was crying, but she didn't seem to care. Right before she was about to put me in her mouth, my brother Brayden came in my room. He saw my tears and the scared look I had and realized what was happening. He yelled at her to get out and they ended the party right there. They told Mom and Dad what happened. They put me in therapy and thought I was ok I guess until..."

"Everything with Addie?" she asked.

Do you think maybe you unintentionally made her feel unsafe and pressured like you did?" she asked making some more notes.

Bucky looked up with tears as he started to feel a pit in his stomach.

"Now I see where those behaviors have stemmed from. That gives me a lot of work with for next time. Since you're taking a leave of absence at work, I'm going to recommend that you see me twice a week. I'm ordering you to go to Alcoholics and Narcotics Anonymous here in this building once a week for both. I'm also putting you on some antidepressants to get you feeling better. I don't want you thinking and talking about taking your life again," she stated.

Bucky nodded while wiping tears.

"Since your former wife took her life and you almost took yours in that home, I would highly suggest you and the kids live with your parents for the time being until we get you back on your feet. Then eventually starting over and getting a place that's just yours with the kids ok James," Dr. Baxter said as she wrote everything down.

"Yes ma'am," Bucky whispered.

"Ok great. I will see you on Thursday at the same time and we will work through what happened with you and Addelyn some more, the consequences of your decisions and taking accountability. You're not a bad person James you just made some really messed up decisions that caused you a lot and you're hurting. Hurt people hurt others so I will help you with that. I'm in your corner James so you aren't alone, but I also will not sugarcoat the truth. I will point out your mistakes because you have attributed to some of your own hurt, but my goal is to help you heal and move on," she said with a confident smile.

Bucky took a breath, nodded and whispered, "Ok."

"Ok. I will see you Thursday. Here's the schedule for the the classes here do that you can choose what days you want to attend. See you Thursday James," she said handing him the schedule.

"Thank you Dr. Baxter and see you on Thursday," Bucky said softly while taking the schedule from her.

Bucky walked out the building to see Winnie waiting for him. He got in the car once she pulled up to the door.

"Hi honey. How'd it go?" Winnie asked driving back to the house.

"Ok I guess. She's putting me on antidepressants, I have to attend Alcoholics Anonymous and Narcotics Anonymous once a week for both. Then I have to see her twice a week. She also recommended that me and the kids stay with you and dad until I can get back on my feet and because she said it might trigger me," Bucky responded softly.

"Ok honey. Let's go pack up some times for you and the kids then take it back to the house. Since we have three guest rooms that won't be a problem. Then do you want to help your mom make dinner like you used to when you were younger?" She replied.

"Sure Mama," Bucky whispered.

Once they got everything that he and kids would need from his home, they went back to the house. For the first time Winnie saw Bucky genuinely smile while they were cooking and baking a cake. He even snuck a few licks of the cake batter like he did when he was younger. Before Winnie would get on him about that, but she didn't that time because she was just happy to see glimpses of the real Bucky.