Can't Shake You

(51) Making Amends

Buck put a chair next to Addie's hospital bed. He knew she was in a coma, not he figured this was the only way he would her the opportunity to make amends with her so be took it.

"Adds, I know the full truth about what happened to Mom and Aunt Susie. I now understand why you were so scared about affection, parties and had reservations about giving yourself to me. I made it worse by pressuring you. I eventually ended up doing what was your biggest fear. Steve was right all along that I should've just waited, talked to you about how I was feeling. That you trusted and loved me enough that you would give me that precious part of you when you were ready. I should've talked to you about why you were afraid instead of running to her. Knowing that your mom and my mom went through what I put you through will never give me peace. I will forever hate myself for treating you the way I did. It makes me worse than their exes because I could've avoided all of this had I just talked to you before that stupid Halloween party instead of confiding in Yelena.

After going to my therapist, I realized that me and Yelena's relationship was based on sex. Yes I took her out on dates because she wanted to do stuff that I wanted to do with you. Even when I took her out, we always ended up having sex. I realize I was just using her. I used her on the spring break trip when I thought you were going to back out from sleeping with me for the first time. I used her when you broke up with me when you realized I was unfaithful. I used her when you wouldn't talk to me after it came out that I betrayed you. I used her every time I felt jealous about you being with other guys even though I had no right to. I used her after watching you change into a different person knowing I was the reason. I used her when you decided to leave home all those times. I used her when I found out you aborted my baby because you didn't want to be traumatized, constantly reminded and hurt because of the selfish things I did.

Not to mention being subjected to possibly seeing me take care of her and my baby that would've been the same age as ours because I slept with her the day before we left, both of you on the same day when we got there and then had the nerve to almost do it hours after we broke up. I know you don't want to hear this, but yes the sex was good with her, but it was never great. After taking your virginity, I realized something was missing with she and I no matter how much I tried to deny it. The reason something was missing when I would sleep with her was because I was never in love with her and I know now that I never would've been. I used her to run away from my problems because she was convenient. You didn't want me and I found out all the girls at our school didn't either so I stayed with her along with the pregnancy scare.

The guys knew that, but I was too prideful to admit it. That's why I fought them so hard about being in my wedding. They tried to tell me marrying Yelena was a huge mistake, but I didn't listen again. My dad tried talking to me too on my wedding day, but I still didn't listen. Now I wish I had because it would've saved me a whole lot of grief.

I was so deep into my betrayal and lust that I didn't see a way out. Yelena and I caused so much damage that I wanted to at least try to do right by her, but I found out she was playing me all along as well. Just like how I was using her, she used me. That was evident when she admitted she trapped me by missing her birth control and purposely having me get her pregnant without my knowledge.

But especially when I found out she had those four affairs on me and three of them resulted in pregnancies, two miscarriages and one birth of a cold that wasn't mine. Actually all the pregnancies she had weren't mine except for Asher. As much as I love my kids, Yelena and O should've never been together. I never looked at her the way I looked at you. I never craved her the way I crave for you. I never got mad or jealous when other guys talked about wanting to be with or have sex with her. I only asked her to marry me because she was pregnant. As horrible as this is to admit, I never felt devastated that she miscarried my children which now I really don't because they weren't mine. But I was utterly destroyed when you admitted you aborted our child and didn't regret your decision. When it came out I said you and I wouldn't have been together, but could've co-parented.