Trapped in my head

Chapter 4

 "Andrew?" she asked after an extremely loud thunder crashed in the sky, making her flinch but luckily Andrew didn't pick up on that. "Yeah?" he asked, looking at her with a smile. "Uhm- in my locker, there is an orange bag, could- could you get it for me please?" she asked, not wanting him to see her have a panic attack which was certainly going to happen. She hated thunderstorms and she was already exhausted from being sick and shaken up from have been stuck in an elevator for so long so that she needed some alone time to focus, breakdown a little, and rebuild some energy.

"Yes sure, what's the code?" he asked and she couldn't help but smile at how much of a gentleman he was. He was an amazing person, what had she been scared of for so long? "Uhm- its 1510, thank you." She gave back, watching him quickly disappearing out of the room and closing the door behind him. Taking a deep breath she started to count. 1,2,3,4,5,4,3,2 and 1. And again, 1,2,3,4,5,4,3,2 and 1. Okay.

Sitting up she looked around the room. She had a needle in her arm. She was scared of needles. There was a thunderstorm outside. She was scared of thunderstorms. But it was okay. Because Andrew had been there. He had inserted that needle and it hadn't even hurt so it was okay. Unintentionally she started to hum a melody that was somehow stuck in her head.

She was doing that a lot. She always started humming or singing quietly when she was overwhelmed or scared. It was one of her situation-inducing-behaviours that appeared weird to almost everyone around her but helped her cope with her surroundings and other factors that influenced her thoughts. It was complicated. Very complicated. But it worked so she kept up with it. As she heard another thunder in the distance she flinched once again as she started to rock back and forth, closing her eyes.

She knew exactly what was happening to her since she had been living with it for so long already that it was normal. This humming and rocking back and forth thing were things called stimming and self-stimulatory behaviour. It was normal for people with autism. She was overstimulated since there was so much going on around her. And since her surroundings scared her a little at the moment she needed to repeat those movements and hum this melody to calm herself down.

She didn't even notice the door opening until she felt a hand on her shoulder, making her look up at Andrew. "Hey, you okay?" he asked, a little confused by her behaviour. "I'm fine, just ignore this." She said, continuing the movement involuntarily, she couldn't help it. He slowly sat down on the examine table next to her, handing her the orange bag while observing her. Although he knew that she seemed uncomfortable she was still adorable. "I'm sorry." She said, obviously embarrassed about that he was seeing her like this as a few tears started to leave her eyes.

"Hey, it's okay Mer, take a deep breath." He said as he noticed how uncomfortable she really was. She sighed, fiddling some ear plugs out of the orange bag. "I want to go home." She whispered.

"I know. But the storm is still right over Seattle, the press just gave another warning, we're not allowed to leave whatever building we're in." he said apologetically. "Okay." She whispered defeatedly. "I-I don't want to sleep now." She stammered, still fumbling with the ear plugs before she put them back in the bag, sniffing again. "That's okay, you don't have to. A few interns set up a beamer and a screen in the cafeteria they're watching a movie or a series. They brought the couches from the scan rooms in there. Would that be okay? I could stay with you I don't have a lot to do now since Cece's surgery was moved." He suggested. "Do you still feel nauseous?" he asked concerned. "No, just tired. But I'm scared to be alone and I don't want to sleep. I know you might think now that I'm completely crazy but I-" but before she could finish her sentence he interrupted her, not wanting her mind to cause her even more angst.

"It's okay Mer, I would never think that you're crazy. I promise. Never." He said, smiling at her reassuringly. "Okay, thank you." She smiled, looking directly into his wonderful hazel-brown eyes for a few seconds, still moving back and forth slowly. It was getting better, somehow Andrew's presence busied her thoughts so that she was slightly calming down.

"Do you have some comfortable clothes in you're here? We don't have many patients in the ER right now and I'm sure Bailey will give you a few hours off." he said, smiling at her reassuringly. He wanted nothing more than to take her into his arms since she was obviously overwhelmed but that would cross a border. They weren't that far yet and those few hours in the elevator didn't count.

"Uhm- yeah, a leggings and a shirt I guess, and a hospital jacket." She replied. "Can you not look at me like that please I- I can't stop it I'm sorry" she then said, looking down. "I'm sorry Meredith I didn't mean to make you uncomfortable. I- I don't really know what to do or how to help you since you seem a little anxious." He said, smiling at her concerned as she looked up again. "It's just- I have difficulties with under- and overstimulation and sensory overload. It's hard to explain." She said slowly, but this time concentrating on trying to keep eye contact.

"I'm still on call, but I'll stay with you until someone needs me okay?" he said, wanting her to know that he was there for her if she would want to talk more or even if she just wanted him to sit next to her and say nothing. Everything would be fine with him.

And she almost said 'I need you' but she was feeling a little insecure right now after he had seen her so vulnerable and this whole love triangle thing still overwhelmed her. Although it was coming to an end now that she had decided to go on a date with Andrew. "Okay, thank you." She said, the edges of her mouth twisting a little up. "Come on let's go." He said, taking her hand and helping her up as he saw her smiling at him. The feeling of her hand in his was absolutely amazing. The best thing she had ever felt. It was as if from the part of her skin that was touching his skin there was electricity radiating through her body, calming her down. It was a sensory experience she had never experienced before. It was almost- magical.