Trapped in my head

Chapter 20

"And sometimes there are days where I'm just entirely overloaded with feelings I don't understand and that I can't handle and they make me feel- weird. I- I mean I just- those feelings lead to thoughts and those thoughts lead to voices and I just feel- I feel lazy and- I don't know- not good enough." Meredith finished her ranting about what had happened as her and Andrew were laying on her bed, wrapped up in each other's arms.

"Oh Mer, I'm sorry you're feeling that way. Just let me tell you that no matter what your head is telling you, to me you're the most perfect person on this planet, you're absolutely more than good enough and there's no way you're lazy. At all. Don't let those thoughts get to you. I know that's easy to say and the reality is much harder. But I'm very glad you told me about it. You'll always be enough for me." He said, pulling her closer and pressing a kiss into her hair.

And as she looked up at him, deeply into his eyes, he could see how she was trying to say something. But since he didn't want to push her he tried to smile at her encouragingly, hoping she would say what she wanted to say and that it would be what he wanted her to say. But it was too soon for that. Way too soon. In every other relationship he had ever been, he had said those three little words too early and especially with Meredith he needed to be careful.

"We should go to work." She whispered, but he could see it in her beautiful eyes that she had wanted to say something else. "I already called in sick and Alex did the same for you." Andrew gave back, soothingly rubbing her back as he noticed her expression. "I- I feel bad about not going to work." She gave back, trying to open up to him a little bit more. "There's no need to Meredith. Everyone needs some time off every once in a while. I sometimes take a day off to just sleep the whole day. I'm not proud of it but I stand to it." He said smiling, making her smile slightly as well. "You know what?" she asked quietly, teasing him by playing with the buttons of his shirt once again. "Mhm?" he asked, gently tracing his fingers over her waist. "I do that too." She whispered, not being able to supress a giggle what made him chuckle. She was so adorable.

"Then what about we just do that today. Together." He said, kissing her again. "Sounds amazing." She whispered against his lips. "I'm so happy you came here and we can spend some time together." She said a little embarrassed about talking so much. She didn't know why but with Andrew's presence made her feel so much better because she just- felt normal. She felt like a normal woman in a wonderful relationship with this amazing guy. "I'm happy to be able to spend time with you too. What about we order some food and watch a movie?" he suggested. "Movie sounds good but I don't want to eat something." She gave back, still smiling but she seemed a little tense all of the sudden.

"Why not? When was the last time you ate something?" he asked carefully, scared that she would close up again after being so open. He had read about the link between autism and ARFID. People dealing with both would sometimes go up to three or four days without eating because of mental blocks or because they just forget. So he needed to make sure she would eat at least a little bit.

She looked down and he immediately felt bad about making her bad mood reappear. "Uhm yesterday morning- I guess- I can try." She mumbled, making him sigh in relief as he smiled encouragingly. "What would you like?" he asked, putting a strand of hair that had fallen into her face behind her ear. "The last few days I only ate paprika, Pizza, potatoes and toast with bacon." She explained, looking a little frightened as she did so. She was scared he would think that this was too much to deal with, that she was too much to deal with and that her eating habits weren't manageable that easily. Which they really weren't.

And by the look he gave her she somehow came to the conclusion that her suspicions had come true. "So? Pizza or toast? Whatever you want, I'd enjoy everything." He said instead, making her smile return as relief washed over her. He was perfect and she had to stop doubting him. "Pizza margherita." She whispered, her cheeks slowly starting to hurt from smiling so bright the whole time.

"But first some more cuddle time?" she asked, giggling as he pulled her on top of him, cupping her face with both of his hands and kissing her passionately. "Deal!" he said in between kisses, making a hurt noise as she let herself drop onto him. "Ow! You're heavy!" he said playfully, actually not wanting her to move a single inch. "Hey! I'm not heavy it's all the ankle weights." She said, acting hurt as she cuddled into his chest. Cuddling with him just felt right. Like a dream coming true. "Of course it is." He chuckled, rolling his eyes while caressing her back. "You know that it was just a joke right?" he then asked as she suddenly became silent.

"Yeah." He heard her mumble tiredly. "Are you tired again? You can also sleep a bit, I'll order the pizza and wake you up when it's here." He suggested, soothingly rubbing her lower back. "Perfect." She whispered, already half asleep. They were staying home to sleep so might as well she could sleep a little. On top of her wonderful boyfriend while listening to his calming heartbeat.