Trapped in my head

Chapter 46

On Monday Meredith was finally feeling a little better. She had had many anxiety attacks over the weekend and couldn't even meet Dr. Wyatt to go climbing. She had been absolutely exhausted but after many naps and lots of crying, she was slightly better again. "Hey." She said as she entered the kitchen, all her sisters and Alex already being there, having breakfast. "Hey Mer." Amelia replied, looking slightly worried. "I'm going back to work already." She whispered, walking over to the cabinet, and looking for her favourite cup. "Where's my cup?" she asked confused as she couldn't find it, turning around. This wasn't good. She needed her cup. She always used that cup for her warm milk, every morning. "Oh- uhm- when I pulled out mine yesterday it fell down and- broke I'm really sorry Mer." Maggie admitted, seeing Meredith start to shiver slightly. "Oh." Meredith said, looking down at the floor. What was she supposed to do now? She couldn't just drink her milk in a different cup right?

"Come on Mer, you can take this one, it's the same as yours, just a different colour." Alex said, giving her a green mug. But hers was blue. Meredith just looked up at Alex, tears welling up in her eyes. "Oh little one, I know it's hard, but it's going to be okay. Come on, you got this." He said, pulling her into a hug. "It's okay, it's just a different colour. It's okay." Meredith said, taking a deep breath before taking the mug from him and filling in her milk before putting it into the microwave. "There you go." He said proudly as he watched her taking a few sips. "It tastes completely different." Meredith whispered very quietly so that no one even heard her. But that was okay. It didn't matter. This was a good practice. She needed to be able to get over things like this today. She was still- shaky. She was fragile, still somehow in the episode. So, she needed to get through a horrible day anyways. No matter where she would be nor what would happen. This day had  never supposed to be good. So right now, it didn't even matter.

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A few hours later Meredith, Bailey, Andrew, and Alex prepared themselves for a kidney transplant. Twins. One of them with a kidney insufficiency, the other one the perfect match. Both Alex and Andrew were constantly watching out for Meredith, as if she would break down any second. But it seemed as if she didn't even notice. Meredith was completely focused. She was optimistic. The surgery was simple, and it would give her back some control and structure.

After they had taken out the damaged kidney of twin A and the healthy kidney of twin B it was now time to connect the healthy kidney to twin A's system. But all of the sudden everything started to go really bad. "She's coding, start compressions." Bailey said, starting to reanimate the girl. Meredith was calm, this was her superpower. Due to her hyperfocusation she was able to stay completely calm, injecting adrenaline to make the heart start beating again. But nothing. "There must be a blood clot or- or we accidently damaged another vein." Meredith rambled as she searched through the open field, checking every single stitch.

"I can't find anything, and I don't see any blood." Andrew said, helping Meredith searching. "We have to use the defibrillator" Alex said. "We can't, her whole abdomen is open." Bailey replied harshly, still doing compressions. "DeLuca take over" she said, stepping aside so that Andrew started to continue the compressions. "Okay, I have an idea." Meredith mumbled, starting to gently squeeze the kidney. Waiting for it to turn pink. She continued to stimulate every vein and every part of the kidney with her fingers but still nothing happened. "It's been too long we need to shock her."

"Okay." Meredith said, taking out her hands. Through her head suddenly shot a million thoughts. She started to see every single part of the kidney in front of her, every single possible origin of the cardiac arrest. "Clear!" Bailey yelled, before the body was shocked and relaxed again. "It's been fifteen minutes, there's no way we can get her back." Alex sighed as they were met with complete silence, just the flat line being audible.

"No." Meredith said, stepping closer again, starting to keep searching. "Keep doing compressions." She added, giving the clamp to Bokhee since she preferred working with her hands. "Mer, it's over." Alex said, trying to get her to stop. "Keep. Doing. Compressions." Meredith said slowly, looking directly into his eyes. She wasn't going to let this girl die. "Mer." Alex sighed, not even attempting to start doing compressions again.

Andrew wanted to help her, he wanted to keep going. But he couldn't. He was a resident, he had nothing to say and honestly, he didn't believe that Meredith could get her back. "Someone do compressions, now!" she suddenly yelled, making him flinch. He had never seen her like this before. "Give me the Forceps." Meredith said and as Bokhee gave it to her she slowly started to cut open a small piece of the kidney at the back. "Grey, stop." Bailey said slowly, sighing as Meredith didn't stop.

"I got this." She mumbled, grabbing the tweezers, and pulling out a few parts of the tissue. She was trying to make more room inside of the kidney so that at least 70% of it would start working. "Andrew, please." She whispered, not even looking up. She was focused. She knew exactly what she was doing. She just needed someone to finally trust her. Andrew looked up at Bailey before stepping closer, starting to do compressions. "Thank you." Meredith whispered into the silence as they now heard a steady beeping noise as Andrew performed the CPR.

"Grey, stop it now." Bailey said, a little harsher now that Meredith still continued fumbling inside of the kitchen. But Meredith didn't reply. Alex looked at Bailey, giving her a knowing look. Meredith was hyper focusing on this patient because of what happened the past weekend. Both Alex and Bailey knew that they had to get her to let go and out of the OR as soon as possible to prevent her having a meltdown in front of everyone else.

"Mer, come on, let's get you out of here." Alex said quietly so that only Meredith would hear it after taking a few steps around the table, standing right next to her. But she didn't reply again. She probably couldn't even hear him. "0.3 prolene." Meredith said, taking the needle from Bokhee and starting to stitch up the kidney again. "Okay, now shock her." She said anxiously, stepping aside. The nurses looked at Bailey, who shook her head.

"For god's sake!" Meredith yelled, taking the paddles, and pressing them down onto the patient's chest. "Clear!" she said, looking at Andrew, wanting him to push the button since obviously no one else wanted to do it. He looked at her, deep into her eyes before pushing the button. A shock went through the girl's body. "Again." Meredith said, looking at Andrew, who pushed the button again. "DeLuca get out!" Bailey hissed angrily.

And there it was. The heart was beating. There was a steady beeping noise and a rhythm visible on the screen. The heart rate was going up again until it got steady at 92 and the kidney started to turn pink. The whole kidney. Meredith let out a breath of relief, taking off her gloves. Everyone was silent. The whole room was in complete silence.

Meredith took a few steps back, pulling down her mask. She couldn't breathe properly so that she closed her eyes, leaning back against the wall. She did it. She saved the girl. Slowly she slid down the wall, sitting down on the floor, pulling her knees up to her chest. 

Little cliffhanger ;)

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