Trapped in my head

Chapter 35

This is definetely my favourite chapter so far! I hope you like it too!!! 

After they had continued their little make out session for a while Meredith slowly pulled back again, looking at him without saying anything. "You okay?" he asked, scared that he had went a little too far. But she nodded, smiling a little and biting her lip. "What is it then?" he asked as he noticed that there was definitely something bothering her.

"I thought we wanted to take things slow. Is this- slow?" she asked, looking down. "You're right but- aren't you enjoying this?" he asked a little concerned. "No I am. I- there's just this new feeling." She said, starting to fidget with the hem of his shirt. "What new feeling?" he asked, a small smile playing around his lips since he knew exactly what she meant. "I'm not sure." She gave back, looking at him for a second before moving her head back down.

"Do you mean this warm feeling in your stomach, almost heat. And that tingling in your whole body?" he asked amused, making her look up again. "Yes, do you feel that too?" she asked, making him chuckle. She was so clueless and it was absolutely adorable. "I do yes." He answered, the brightest of grins on his face. "And what does it mean?" she then asked, now keeping eye contact a little longer. "It means that we really, really like each other." He said, seeing her eyes widening. "You mean- in- a sexual way?" she asked, looking down now, her cheeks bright red.

"Exactly." He whispered. "I don't know if I like this feeling. It's- weird but- it's not bad." She said, her hand resting on her stomach. "Is it really the first time you've ever felt this?" he asked quietly, carefully rubbing her back as she nodded.

"It makes me want to kiss you again." She then said, looking up again. "Sounds good." He gave back, pulling her a little closer and gently placing his lips on hers. "I have another question." She then said after a few minutes had passed, pulling back again. "Yeah?" he asked, trying to make sure to answer all of her question in order to keep her comfortable. "Are- are we going to have sex tonight?" she then asked, not daring to look at him. "We don't have to. We wanted to take things slow and that wouldn't be slow anymore. If you are ready then we can, if you are not we can wait. I understand that it might be a little overwhelming for you though." He said, trying to get her to look at him again.

"What if- what if I want to try it?" she asked, slowly lifting her head until her eyes met his. "Are you sure?" he asked, internally starting to freak out from happiness. This was really happening right? He was not dreaming. She just nodded, making it hard for him to supress a grin. "Okay, wow I did not expect that right now I- wow." He said, carefully pulling her closer again.

"We can- go upstairs to my room." She whispered, keeping eye contact with him for longer than she had this whole evening. Very gently he lifted her up, her legs around his waist and his hands on her butt as they started kissing again while he started to walk towards the stair case.

As they reached Meredith's room he carefully lowered her down onto the mattress, hovering over her while starting to kiss down her jawline and soon her neck, smiling as he heard her moan quietly. "This feels really good." She said, shivering under his touch as he slowly started to take of her clothes. "Are you really sure you want this?" he asked, making sure she was still alright. "Yeah." She mumbled, grabbing his shirt with her fists.

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Afterwards they were lying in bed, next to each other, still entirely naked. Andrew didn't really know what to do and as he turned his head to get a glimpse of Meredith's face he saw that she was staring at the ceiling. Suddenly she stood up and put her panties as well as her sweater back on before laying down again in the exact same position. Slowly he put back on a shirt and his boxers as well, hoping it would make her a little more comfortable.

He noticed how she was trying to keep a little distance between them and he was worried. Had he hurt her? Had it been too soon?

"Mer? You okay?" he asked carefully, turning onto his side to look at her. "Mhm." She replied, nodding her head. "I don't know what I'm feeling." She suddenly whispered, making him frown. "What do you mean?" he asked, fighting the urge to take her hand and pull her close to him.

"I've never felt this feeling before it's a little overwhelming." She said, her voice shaking slightly. "I'm sorry, I didn't want to scare you." He said quietly, still observing her from the side. She didn't reply. "Did you like it?" he asked after a few minutes of silence had passed while he had been waiting for her to calm down a little again. "I'm not sure. I mean- I did not- not like it. Is- is it normal that it hurts a little?" she asked a little embarrassed, turning her head a little but not being able to keep eye contact for more than a few seconds.

"In the beginning it's normal Mer, but you should have told me, we could have stopped." He said concerned. "No I- you always do so much for me and I- I wanted this too." She gave back. "But you didn't only agree to have sex to make me happy right?" he asked, hating this stupid barrier that her autism and little knowledge of relationships were drawing between him and her. "No- I- I think I wanted this. Yes it- it was good I think."

"Come here Mer." He said and as she hesitantly moved into his arms he let out a breath of relief that she was still open to physical contact. This had probably been a lot to her. So that he had been terrified that she would reject him now but she hadn't. And he was more than glad about that because- although Meredith had been pretty unsure of what she was doing it had still been absolutely amazing.

"I wanted this, really. It was like a challenge and I did it. And- this feeling was new but I think- I think that it wasn't bad. My muscles felt tense and it felt like I didn't have any control over my body anymore and that just scared me for a minute because I wasn't used to it." She gave back and he was glad that she was trying to open up to him. And he loved how her cluelessness made it possible for them to talk about those topic that would make other couples uncomfortable.

"That's okay, I understand it. And we don't have to have sex very soon again, we can wait a bit if you'd like." He said. Of course he had been more than excited about the thought that their relationship would finally reach that level but Meredith meant too much to him so that he would never ever risk losing her. Even if that would mean that he wouldn't get any sex for a while probably. It was okay with him. Because she was too important to him.

"Really?" she asked, cuddling further into him. "Yes, of course. We'll go back to cuddling for a while that's more than enough." He replied, smiling into her hair. "Good." She said and both of them fell silent again. "Do you want to take a nap, maybe you'll feel a little better afterwards." He suggested as he noticed how she was still a little shaky from all the kinds of new stimulation factors that she had just experienced.

"I don't think I can sleep right now." She whispered. "I- uhm- can we just stay like this a little longer until I can feel my legs again?" she asked sheepishly, making him chuckle. "Of course." He said, still smiling brightly. "You are the most amazing woman I've ever laid my eyes on Mer. This was really just- mind blowing." He whispered into her ear.

"Really?" she asked a little shyly. "Yes. I loved it." He said, trying to make her feel a little more self-confident again. Because in the beginning, as they had kissed on the couch and he had carried her up the stairs he had noticed how confident she had been and he had been more than happy about that. Because he had never really experienced her being actually self-confident ever before.

"I- I was really scared in the beginning. I didn't really know what to do." She admitted, making him smile. "That's okay. It's normal for the first time that you're not really sure what to do." He reassured her and they fell into silence again. "Can you- stay here over night?" she then asked, making him smile brightly. "I'd love to." He replied, pressing a kiss into her hair as she cuddled herself even further into his chest. "I love you Meri." He whispered, hoping that she would fall asleep soon to make sure she would have some time to process everything that had just happened. "I love you too." She mumbled sleepily. She was completely worn out and it was absolutely adorable. She was just perfect.