Trapped in my head

Chapter 73

It's been two weeks now. Two weeks since Meredith had been admitted to the psychiatric ward of the hospital after not being able to sleep for over 72 hours in a row. After what had happened, with Andrew and the motorcycle and the guy who had been brought in wearing the same shoes as Andrew, having the same hair and height, Meredith had kept reliving that exact moment over and over again. She had kept reliving that moment when she had opened the doors to that ambulance, seeing him being brought in with no face. Her sitting in the gallery while watching Bailey perform an emergency surgery on him, trying to save the unidentified man. But she didn't relive the moment where Maggie had texted her and she had found out that Andrew was fine and had just left his phone at home and like this had a plausible reason not to answer her calls. The version of this day she kept reliving wasn't like it actually happened. In her version that man they couldn't identify had been in fact Andrew. In her version Andrew kept dying, over and over again.

And those kind of nightmares were way worse than the ones she had had before. So it had only been logical that her mind hadn't wanted to let her go to sleep. Her mind had tried to protect her by forcing her to stay awake for days. And although she had at one point given in and even took sleeping pills, nothing had worked.

Especially since not even the sleeping aids had helped her and Andrew had figured that she was so badly traumatised that it had deeply affected her unconscious self. Her body was forcing her to stay awake, it was actively fighting medication to make sure she wouldn't keep reliving all of this pain and anxiety because it had started to affect her physical health. His medical knowledge told him that when her body had come to a point where it had started fighting medication her current mental state had become very dangerous for her physical health. And although it had been hard for her, Meredith had agreed that she wouldn't be able to fix that by herself with a lot of therapy and rest.

And now, two weeks later they had finally allowed him to visit her. In the beginning Dr. Wyatt had made sure that no one would be allowed to visit Meredith as she had needed to completely shut down for a while. They had given her medication that had been found to be effective in reducing nightmares associated with PTSD and increased serotonin and dopamine to make sure she wouldn't suffer any actual physical damage and to make it possible for her to sleep at least for short periods of time. After the first few days they had then allowed him to call her every third evening since she had still been worried and had kept panicking about him not being there anymore. She had become attached to him on a level that wasn't healthy for her anymore and she was aware of that now. It was only logical that Meredith would become very attached since it was her first relationship ever and she wasn't used to a person like Andrew in her life.

During those two weeks with the help of Dr. Wyatt, Meredith had started to fully understand where her attachment to Andrew had come from and why her nightmares about losing him had been so intense and seemed so real, so that she could try to start working on how to make sure that stress and anxiety she experienced when she was with him would get less. And part of that, was staying away from Andrew for a while.

Being so close with him and talking about their future within just two months of dating had been too much for her to comprehend in a healthy way and that had led to her immediately becoming so invested in their relationship. And her mind had reacted to that in the way of her seeing everything as a danger of losing him. And she needed to work on that.

But today, today was visiting day and Andrew would come to see her. Meredith had managed to convince Dr. Wyatt to let her go for a few hours so that her and Andrew could take a walk through the park. Dr. Wyatt was making sure that this time, Meredith was in control of everything and was part of every decision so that this stay wouldn't be as traumatising as the last one. Meredith was trying her hardest to think objectively about the things her therapist suggested to make sure she would get out of here as soon as possible.

Right now, she was sitting on her bed, writing down her thoughts in the diary Dr. Wyatt had made her start. Since it had always been hard for her to name her feelings and express them to others this was a very good way on working on that as well. Apparently it was very important for her to process all of them to make sure they wouldn't stack up and lead to something like this again. So, she had a diary. And it was actually fun because she didn't only wrote but also drew little doodles in it and she loved decorating the pages after writing them. Especially the decorating part, the drawing hearts and flowers after writing about her emotions was very pleasant and calming for her.

She couldn't stop looking at the clock above the door every few minutes, waiting for it to finally be twelve so that she could go downstairs to meet Andrew. She had been terrified of being here again because she didn't remember anything from the last time. But right now, it wasn't that bad. It was fine because she knew that it was helping. She barely had nightmares anymore and she now knew the origin of her issues so that she could work on them. She was okay with being here for a while if it would mean that she would be better in a few weeks.

All of the sudden the door opened and a nurse walked in. "You can come downstairs now if you want to." She said and Meredith didn't need to be told that twice. Within a second she had sprinted past the nurse and over to the staircase, down the stairs and through the lobby. She kept running until she saw him at the reception, talking to an assistant. A giant smile formed on her lips as she run towards him, taking him by surprise and literally throwing herself into his arms. Without saying anything he hugged her as tightly as he could, holding her close to him.

"Hey." He then whispered, chuckling slightly. "Hey." She said, smiling up at him and meeting his eyes before getting up on her tiptoes to kiss him. She had missed this sparkling feeling that immediately made its way through her whole body. That feeling of being so alive and loved and safe. She felt so happy within a split second that she couldn't help but start smiling against his lips, making it impossible for him to keep kissing her what made him smile too. "Want to go on a walk?" he asked, taking her hand. She just nodded, but not moving an inch as she kept looking into his eyes. Never ever before had looking into someone else's eyes had been that easy for her. She didn't feel any discomfort as she looked into his hazel brown eyes. And he seemed to notice that, looking at her with nothing but love in his eyes.