Trapped in my head

Chapter 11

"Alex, what did you say to Andrew?" Meredith asked, standing in front of him with an angry expression on her face. He wasn't scared of her but that gaze was somehow indeed frightening. "God did he really run to you with that." Alex said, trying to get out of this. Meredith hadn't been supposed to know about how he had threatened DeLuca. "Alex you can't threaten him okay? You don't need to protect me from him. He's great and I really like him. And I got this, I can do this on my own alright?" she said annoyed, crossing her arms in front of her chest. "Okay." Alex sighed, smiling slightly at her.

"You really got this?" he asked, still worried about her. "Yes I got it. I'm scared because all of this is very overwhelming but I'll be fine, okay? Please let me do this on my own Alex." Meredith said again. She was glad she could always count on Alex and that he would always be there to protect her but this was her life. Her newly experienced love-life. "Fine, I will stay out of this." He gave in, smiling at her.

"Thank you." Meredith replied relieved before walking away again. She was nervous, very nervous. She had actually no idea what she was doing. Shoving her hands into the pockets of her scrub pants she searched for the little massage balls. Andrew had kissed her two times today already. Just ten minutes ago. And honestly although the past two days had probably been the best days of her life those two days were at the same time the most challenging days she had ever experienced.

And trying to cope with what was happening wouldn't be easy. From Andrew's reaction about her telling her sisters and Alex about their kiss she could tell that she should probably keep their relationship to herself. But that would be pretty hard because she was really bad at keeping secrets. Was that even a secret? Sighing she fell onto the couch in her office. She had a surgery in about half an hour but she couldn't go into that OR while feeling like this. Starting to count again she closed her eyes, laying down while continuing to count from one to five and back.

Her stomach started to feel a little weird and she was slowly getting a headache. And then this very familiar tingly feeling in her fingers appeared again, as if she had been laying on them for too long. Okay, she had only half an hour to fix this and calm herself down. She was having a meltdown, no doubt and usually that only happened at home. It actually happened a lot. Meltdowns were intense reaction autists would get in overwhelming situations like this. When their routine would change for example which was the cause in Meredith's case. She didn't even really know why she felt like this and why she kept going back and forth from feeling good about what she was experiencing to feeling entirely overwhelmed and anxious about all of this.

Her eyes started to get watery and at some point she couldn't help but starting to cry. Her mind was a complete mess, she could hear voices screaming at her and she wanted to yell back at them so desperately but she was trying to suppress it because she could also hear the people talking outside in the hallway very clearly. Trying to cry as quietly as possible she stood up and walked over to her desk, opening the top drawer and taking out her headphones before starting her favourite playlist. She just stood in the middle of the room, slightly rocking back and forth, her eyes closed while she was focusing entirely on the music, tears were still running down her cheeks.

She knew that it was okay, it was just her anxiety colliding with the autism. Her daily routine was changing now that Andrew was somehow part of her live what was difficult for her. Her workday routine was changing, she would go on dates more often and until all of those new things would be completely included into her routine it would take a while and a lot of meltdowns. But it was worth it because she loved how Andrew made her feel. It was amazing how comfortable she was around him. And it was worth it, although she would have to go through so much anxiety attacks and other triggering experiences. Somehow this thought only made it worse.

She was trembling as she tried to block out her thoughts and concentrate on the music again while fidgeting with the two magnetic massage balls. She only had twenty minutes to get this under control. All of the sudden she was sitting on the floor, her upper body now rocking back and forth again, but a lot more intensively than just a few minutes ago. Fifteen minutes. She should get up now and get to the OR, the patient was being prepared right now and she really should go. Ten minutes. She should go now, she still needed five minutes to scrub in. But she couldn't, she couldn't move her legs nor stop herself from crying. And the fact that she was late for a surgery just made everything worse.

And then she heard the door open behind her and just a few seconds later close again. All of the sudden she felt a pair of arms behind her as Andrew pulled her onto his lap. He held her tight to him, very gently letting her continue her movements while at the same time reducing them a little since he was scared that she would hurt herself. After another few minutes she finally started to calm down and stopped crying while her stimming got less as well. Also she could now concentrate on the music a little better and her mind cleared up, all those chaotic thoughts disappearing.

Taking off her headphones she hesitantly leaned back against Andrew but stayed silent. She was more than embarrassed that he had found her like this. Why had she been so stupid to keep the door unlocked?

"You okay?" Andrew asked carefully, still not letting go of her. But somehow she couldn't reply, she was completely frozen. Five minutes left. "I could ask Bailey to take over your surgery if you're not feeling well." He added after he still didn't get a reply. Meredith just shook her head, trying to stand up with Andrew's help. Her knees felt like jelly. It would be unresponsible to do a surgery in this state but she had no choice, the patient was already prepped but she also didn't want to bother Bailey.

Looking up at Andrew she quickly put away the headphones while shoving the massage balls back into her pocket. "Thank you for- you know." She whispered, her gaze now fixed on the floor. "I should go." She then added, quickly leaving the room, leaving Andrew behind in her office alone and confused.