Trapped in my head

Chapter 70

"I'm sorry for what I said this morning. I shouldn't have pushed you to talk to me Mer. I know it's not easy for you to talk about your feelings and I should have never went off on you like that. I'm sorry. And I'm so sorry for making you think that I had an accident by not answering your calls. I'm sorry." He whispered into her ear, holding her small, trembling frame.

"I'm sorry too." She mumbled, her hand firmly locked around two of his fingers. "I love you. I don't hate you. I love you." She hiccupped, her voice still hoarse from crying. "I love you too. So much." He replied wanting to turn back time and make sure none of this would happen. He had never wanted to cause her that much pain. "Can we go home?" she asked quietly. "I'm hungry." She added, making him smile. He knew that she was trying to push aside her feelings right now and honestly he couldn't blame her. For now it was okay because both of them needed some normality right now.

And he also knew that Meredith sometimes needed some comfort food, or her comfort shows in order to get back into her routine.

"Of course. What do you want to eat?" he said, gently helping her up and taking her hand. "McDonalds." She said, keeping her eyes on the floor once again. She didn't want to see anyone staring at them holding hands.

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"Can we talk about what you told me this morning?" Andrew asked as they were sitting in the car. "Mhm." Meredith said, nodding. She didn't want to talk about it but she knew that it was important for Andrew that she communicated with him and therefor she needed to do this. "What happened yesterday?" he asked carefully. He was worried, really worried about her. After what she had told him about her state two years ago he wasn't exactly sure what was going to happen but he definitely needed to be there for her. Unconditionally. "I had a meltdown in my office. Bailey paged me. I couldn't answer it. She came to find me and then we had the emergency assessment. Dr. Wyatt said I should take some time off, if it doesn't get better I need to be admitted." She explained, trying to stay calm. It was hard talking about this.

"What do you think? Do you need to be admitted?" he asked, knowing that this was a very vulnerable topic for her. "I hope not." She whispered, looking out of the window. "And- can I ask what happened to your hand?" he then asked cautiously, still not being able to stop thinking about the band aid on her hand. "It's just- a small cut." She replied and it was obvious that she wasn't going to say anything else about it, so he dropped it. She would tell him when she's ready.

"Andrew?" she asked quietly after a few minutes of silence had passed. "Yeah?" he replied, looking at her for a few seconds before focusing back on the road. "You know, there's an app for families that shows everyone's current location... Do you think- we could do that? It would help to know where you are when I can't contact you." She said, fidgeting with her fingers. "Yes of course, that's a great idea Mer." He said, taking her hand in his.

"Can we- can we just forget about the fight. All the things that were said and just- move on and be happy again?" she then asked, holding onto his hand very tightly. "Maybe we should talk about what was said Mer. Because I want you to know that I love you, only you, I don't want anyone else okay? Just you." He said, remembering how she had told him to look for someone else if he wanted someone normal.

"I love the way you are, I love every single thing about you." He added as he pulled into the parking lot of McDonalds. "Okay?"

Meredith nodded, still looking out of the window. "We'll be okay, I promise you that." He said, stroking the back of her hand with his thumb. "I really thought that- I thought that everything was over." She whispered shakily, turning to face him. But to his surprise she wasn't crying, her face just looked pale and- empty. Which was even worse.

He sighed. "It's not. I'm still here. We're both still here. We'll be okay." He reassured her. She nodded again. He knew what was happening. She was shutting down. And that was okay. It was her way of coping with things like this and today had been draining. If he had been through what she had had to go through today he would need some space too. And since Meredith was dealing with things like this differently, he was going to make sure that he was there for her. He wouldn't let her down. Not again.

"Can we eat in the car?" Meredith asked shyly, not sure if Andrew would allow food in his car. Alex didn't. "Yes of course. We'll just do drive through. What do you want?"

"Uhm- chicken nuggets, fries and a coke" she whispered, still looking outside but holding tightly onto his hand, scared to let go.

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Ten minutes later they were still sitting in the car, both of them enjoying their food. "This is really good comfort food. Thank you." She said, taking a bite of a nugget. "Nothing to thank for." He replied, watching her from the side. She seemed so tired and exhausted. "I could take some time off too if you want." He suggested all of the sudden, making her finally turn her head. "You don't have to. You're a resident you shouldn't be missing." Meredith said, quickly quitting the eye contact again as it became too hard.

"Maybe just one day? To get back to normal?" he said, still observing her closely. Meredith just nodded and he quickly realized that it was very draining for her to keep talking. She didn't seem to have any more energy so that he just decided to drop it and to give her some time to rebuild some energy. He remembered that one time, in the beginning of their relationship where she had called him in the middle of the night, not being able to talk to him much and having him stay on the phone with her until she would fall asleep. She probably just needed him to be here right now. Not to talk to her, aske her questions or make her talk about her feelings, she just needed him to be there.

After finishing their food it was already starting to get dark outside. Starting the car again Andrew drove back onto the highway while Meredith was slowly falling asleep. He decided to take her back to her house where she had all of her things and wouldn't have to deal with anymore overwhelm. Where she had her weighted blanket and her medication and wouldn't have to deal with anything else then herself.

As he pulled up into her driveway and turned off the engine he realized that Meredith was fast asleep, completely passed out from exhaustion. So, he got out of the car and opened the door to the passenger's seat, very carefully picking her up and holding her close to him as he carried her up to the front door. Luckily it was unlocked, making him assume that either Alex, Maggie or Amelia were already home. He carried her up the stairs and laid her down on her bed where she slowly started to wake up again. He didn't notice that she had woken up and was just on his way out to get their bags from his car as he heard her voice. "Don't leave me." She said shakily. He had never heard her so vulnerable before. "I'm not going anywhere." He said, closing the door and walking back over to her. "You have to stay okay?" she asked, sitting up on the bed and rubbing her face. "Okay." He replied, grabbing her pyjama and giving it to her before changing as well.

"Come here." He said after both of them had laid down, taking her into his arms and holding her close. "Good, now listen to me. The motorcycle is gone. I am okay, I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere. Our fight is over, we're okay. We'll try to communicate a little more from now on but I won't push you anymore. I promise. We're okay. We're both okay." He said, hoping that by telling her this right before going to sleep it would prevent her from having nightmares.

She nodded, already getting sleepy and cuddling herself closer to him. "Good night Mer." He said, closing his eyes as well. After what had happened today Meredith was so tired that she fell asleep almost immediately. Who would have thought that this night it was Andrew who couldn't sleep and laid there with his eyes wide open. 

I can't believe this is already chapter 70!