Trapped in my head

Chapter 72

"What did you just say?" He asked, shocked.

Meredith slowly lifted her head, still not looking at him. "I shouldn't have said that?" She asked, feeling very insecure all of the sudden. Her chest was tightening up already and her fingers were tingling once again. Had she said something wrong? She had just tried to tell him how she felt because she thought that that was what he wanted.

"No Mer I- I want to marry you one day too. I just- I didn't expect you to say that now." Andrew replied, grinning like an idiot. He was so happy. Meredith was thinking about marriage. "You wanted me to tell you how I feel right?" She asked, the feeling in her chest still not vanishing. "Yes, and I'm so so happy you just said that Mer." He replied honestly. He has thought about this topic ever since he had met her. He had known that she was the one from the first second. But he hadn't thought that she would be ready to talk about the future. Their future.

"Can you say it again?" He then asked, making her smile. "I want to marry you one day" she whispered, looking up at him as she spoke, her cheeks turning bright red. "I love you so so much."he said, pulling her closer to him again, hugging her as tight as he could. And that hug- that crushing hug made Meredith feel better almost immediately. "This feels like I'm being strangled by a cobra." She whispered with a slight smile on her face. But for some reason Andrew loosened the grip, looking at her confused. "Why did you stop? I liked it." She said, pouting adorably what made him chuckle as he pulled her into his arms again. "You're so weird sometimes." He laughed, rubbing her back.

"I hope that tomorrow will be better." She muttered after a few minutes of silence. This uncomfortable feeling in her chest had subsided and she was feeling lighter again, now that she had told him what was on her mind. "Today was a bad day huh?" he asked her, feeling her nod against his chest. "Going climbing was amazing but it only made me feel better for the time we were there. Now everything is back to- not good." She explained.

"I've never felt like this before I think. I just want it to go away." She added, taking a few deep breaths. "I'm sorry you're not feeling well." He said quietly. "But you know what made me feel better? That you told me that you wanted to marry me too. Someday in the future. Because I didn't think you would. I mean- I'm exhausting and annoying most of the time. Why would anyone want that?" she asked with a quiet voice, feeling insecure again. But she needed to tell him, she needed to trust him and to open up to him more.

And those words made his heart ache. "Meri. Of course I want to marry you, I love you so much, every single thing about you. I love you every single minute of every single day, even when you're not feeling well sometimes and even if that makes you a little exhausting from time to time. I still want to be with you." He said, whishing that she would start to be a little bit more self-confident from now on when it came to their relationship. As a surgeon she was the most confident person he knew, always knowing what she wanted and always knowing how to get it.

She didn't even know why, but by hearing this, she felt this weird, warm feeling spread inside of her, making her feel safe and loved and wanted. Andrew loved her, and he wanted her. She felt this electricity again that she had felt when they had held hands for the very first time. That new- fulfilling kind of stimulation that made her feel so good. "I whish we could go back." She then mumbled.

He didn't reply. He thought that this happening actually helped them grow, it helped them to understand each other's needs better. It helped him to understand that she sometimes needed space and that she delt with things very differently then he would and that he had to respect that. And she learned that he needed her to open up to him in order to understand her coping mechanisms and to get the affirmation that she trusted him. But he knew that that was not what she wanted to hear right now.

All of the sudden the doorbell rung, indicating that their food had arrived. Meredith quickly climbed off of his lap so that he could get the door as she absolutely wasn't in the mood for social interaction with a stranger right now. But just the thought of food already made her nauseous. She had been hungry when they had ordered but after almost having another panic attack just twenty minutes ago had made that feeling of hunger fade. So, as Andrew sat down the boxes on the couch table she sighed, rubbing her face with her hands.

They had ordered at an Italian restaurant since Andrew had wanted pasta and Meredith was always fine with pizza but right now she did not want to eat anything at all. Having to eat the same five or six things everyday because mentally she was just unable to eat anything else than her few comfort things was getting exhausting. And by now she didn't even want to see the pizza or toast with bacon anymore. She wanted something new but having to try for something new was even more challenging then just sticking to the things she had been eating the past year.

"Want to eat on the couch or in the kitchen?" he asked her, after returning from the kitchen with two plates and cutlery in his hands. "Kitchen." She mumbled, crabbing the containers and carrying them over to the kitchen table before sitting down.

"Do you want me to share all my feelings with you?" she then aske as he sat down opposite her. "Yes, I do. You don't have to because I learnt that you need some space from time to time but I want to know when you're feeling scared or overwhelmed so that I can maybe help you." He said, smiling at her encouragingly. "I think I don't like pizza anymore." She whispered, eyeing the container with a hint of fear in her eyes.

"But- you wanted a pizza when we ordered right?" he asked confused, trying not to sound judging or too harsh, not wanting to make her feel bad about it. She nodded. "Its complicated." She said, tears welling up in her eyes. He quickly realised that he was close to pushing her again. Instead he pushed back his chair a little, extracting his hand and signalling her to come over which she did and then pulling her onto his lap gently, laying his arm around her. "Don't worry about it. Do you want to try my pasta? Or something else?" he asked.

She just shook her head. "Okay, new idea. What if we just- transform the pizza a little?" he suggested, pulling over the container and picking up two slices of pizza and folding them so that the dough was on the bottom and on the top and that the things on the pizza where inside now, like a calzone. "Try this." He said, placing the folded pizza on her plate. After a few seconds of consideration she picked up the piece and took a very small bite. And even though the pizza was still the same, it tasted better- the feeling inside of her mouth was different but still good. Better.

"It's good." She said, sliding over to the chair next to him so that he could start eating as well. "Thank you." She said, taking another bite. He just observed her, while taking a bite of his pasta. She was adorable.

Hope this update cheered you up Kels <3