Trapped in my head

Chapter 42

"Okay guys our work here is done!" Bailey said as they now started to clean up the scene again. Everyone was now taken care of and luckily most of the victims survived. The firefighters had started to secure the rest of the building after gaining control over the fire. It was already getting dark outside since they had been working, taking care of the injured people the whole day. Andrew was now looking for Meredith since he hadn't seen her all day and she probably needed some comfort after this day. He for sure did. Seeing all those injuries, hearing the screams of hurt people was a lot. For all of them.

But he couldn't find her. He had walked over the whole parking lot two times now and couldn't find her. Nowhere. Had something happened to her? Maybe she had already taken a transporter back to the hospital. As he grabbed some supplies and started to load them into the transporter before getting in and sitting down, he suddenly heard some quiet, muffled sounds. Getting up again he climbed into the back of the transporter, finding Meredith curled up under one of the seats. Carefully he sat down next to her on the floor. She just laid there, her eyes wide open, staring off into nowhere. She was completely zoned out. As now others started to get into the car he gently pulled her up and sat her down in one of the seats, taking her hand and sitting down next to her.

On their way back he got a text from Alex.

Is Mer with you? He wrote.

Yes I got her. I'll bring her home. He wrote back, not sure how to explain what was going on since he didn't really know himself what was going on.

She's not responsive, is she? If she's zoomed out, try to talk to her.

"Mer?" Andrew tried, stroking her hand carefully. Nothing. "It's okay, it's over now." He said, pressing a kiss into her hair and laying an arm around her back to pull her closer to him. "Come back to me, okay?" he whispered into her ear, kissing her ear gently.

Suddenly his phone vibrated again. Another text from Alex.

Maybe it's better if you don't pull her out yet, wait until you get her home in case she's going to have a meltdown.

That made sense, her being zoomed out could be a coping mechanism or some kind of self-protection to make sure she wouldn't have a meltdown in public. "As soon as we arrive I'll take you to your place so you can get some sleep, alright?" he said, rubbing her back carefully. He knew that she liked having pressure on her body since that was a good kind of stimulation for her and it gave her some kind of relief.

"We're here, come on." He said, taking her hand and helping her out of the transporter, leading her over to his car. He figured that going back into the hospital to get their things would be unnecessary overstimulation and it was obvious that she wasn't feeling well already so that he didn't want to make it even worse.

"Do you want to listen to some music?" he asked her, hoping to get some kind of reaction. Usually music calmed her down. "No- no- no.... No." she mumbled, her breathing starting to get faster. "Okay, no music, it's okay Mer, you're okay." He said quickly. He hadn't actually expected her to respond but now it seemed as if he had triggered some kind of panic attack. "No." she whispered, slowly calming down again.

Since he wasn't really sure what to do, he started the car, wanting to bring her home as quickly as possible. He noticed that she was aggressively scratching her fingers but since he was driving, he couldn't stop her right now. He had read that self-harm was used by many autists as a way of letting go of or releasing the extreme emotions that have built up during a day. And today had definitely brought up a lot of extreme emotions. He himself too had been frustrated with the whole situation since he had seen so many people hurt, suffering awful injuries and losses but since he was neurotypical he was able to process those emotions normally. Meredith wasn't.

"I want to go home." She suddenly whispered, now scratching her arms. "I know, we're almost there." He gave back, looking at her for a second. She was crying. "I want to go home. I want to sleep. But i dont want to sleep. I want darkness. It's so loud. I want Andrew." She cried, breaking his heart. She seemed to be completely confused and out of it. "Mer, I'm right here and I'm bringing you home." He said, grabbing her hand with his to reassure her that he was here. Her emotions were all over the place. He didn't try to read too much from her rambling though. The past few weeks he had read a lot about meltdowns, including the fact that people experiencing them might have difficulties with thinking and probably don't feel like themselves.

"Okay, you're home Meri. You're home." He said as he parked his car in the driveway, getting out of the car and walking around it to get Meredith. "Come on." He said, taking her hand and helping her up. "They're all dead." She mumbled anxiously as he rang the doorbell since neither of them had a key. And then Alex opened. "Hey." He just said, opening the door a little further so that both of them could get in.

Two minutes later they were upstairs and in Meredith's bedroom. "Do you want me to help you?" he asked her as she sat down on the closed toilet seat, her head in her hands. "I'm sorry." She said, her voice shaking as she did so. "No need to be sorry. This was- a really frustrating day huh? I know what you're feeling like and I know that it's a lot to take so you have no reason to feel sorry alright?" he said, feeling as if he was talking to a toddler. But it seemed to help her. "Do you want me to wait outside?" he asked her since he wasn't really sure whether she would be comfortable if he would stay. "Yeah, please." She replied, staring down at the floor. "Okay, I'll be right on the other side of the door." He said, gently kissing her head before leaving the room.

She felt cold. Her whole body was covered in cold sweat and she was still trembling.

You're a disappointment

"No, please. Not now. I'm tired."

Those people needed you and you just hid in the car. Disappointing.

"I helped them. I did everything I could, and I only hid there during the last hour. I kept myself together the whole day."

And now you're even hurting Andrew

"What?"

This morning you told him that you think that your relationship is inappropriate and now you just told him to wait outside while he was just trying to help you

"I never said that- Maggie did I just- I just- and I- he asked and-"

Yeah sure, keep finding excuses

"Go away"

"Mer?" she suddenly heard him say. She hadn't even noticed that he had come back in. "Why aren't they going away." She whispered, standing up. "Who are you talking about?" he asked, getting a little concerned by now. "The voices." She said, walking into his arms. He would protect her.