Trapped in my head

Chapter 44

The next morning Andrew woke up to an empty bed. After their little dinner last night, he had stayed over, wanting to make sure that Meredith was okay. But as he woke up, wanting to pull her into his arms again, there was nothing, she was gone. "Mer?" he asked, looking around the room before getting up. He was worried. Where did she go? Was she hurt?

He hurried into the bathroom, letting out a breath of relief as he found her sitting on the bathroom floor. She was leaning against the wall, her hands shaking. "Hey, what are you doing here?" he asked, kneeling down next to her. "I- I have to wash my hair it's hair wash day." She mumbled defeatedly. She sounded awfully tired and without any energy. "But I feel so- I feel so empty. I've been sitting here for over an hour and I just can't get up. I really want to because I know I'll feel better after I got it done but- but I can't." she whispered. "I don't even have any energy to cry." She added after a few seconds. "I think you're a little dehydrated Mer." Andrew gave back.

"Do you want me to help you?" he asked, putting a strand of hair behind her ear. Of course, she could have already washed her hair yesterday while he had helped her showering but- he still thought that her whole routine-thing was adorable. And especially now as she wasn't feeling well he didn't even concider talking about it. "I'll pick you up okay?" he said, gently lifting her into his arms after she nodded. He grabbed her shampoo with his hand before carrying her out of the room, down the stairs and into the kitchen, sitting her down on the counter. He got a few towels and laid them down next to the sink before helping her to lay down on the counter so that he could wash her hair in the sink.

"Close your eyes" he said, starting the water at a nice temperature. While then applying some shampoo he started to gently massage her scalp, starting to grin brightly as he saw her beautiful smile. "Thank you" Meredith said as he now wrapped her wet hair into a towel, securing it in a bun. "You're welcome." He gave back, helping her to sit up again. "I feel like melted chocolate." She whispered, slowly getting up but quickly sliding down the counter, ending up sitting on the floor. At least this stupid voice had somehow even left her alone after last night. She just hoped that it would stay like this. As long as possible. She knew that she was just on the edge, close to getting an episode. But she had no idea how to prevent it. She felt- anxious and somehow just- exhausted. And it would only get worse. Because she knew that she was going to have an anxiety attack soon and she knew that Andrew would ask her to have breakfast and although she was hungry she was terrified of having to eat something. She just couldn't bare having to eat something. She didn't want to taste anything or smell anything, she didn't want to see anything, hear anything, or feel anything. It was as if she was on a slide. She had been sitting at the top and then the day yesterday had pushed her down. So, she had started sliding down and right now she was just trying to hold onto the slide right in the middle, not wanting to fall into the cold water but without any way back up.

She had no choice but to let go.

She noticed how Andrew slowly sat down next to her. Seeming slightly helpless. She loved how much he was trying to help her and just the fact that he was here, willing to try made her feel better already helped her a lot. She liked that slide metaphor. "Do you maybe want to put your vest back on?" Andrew asked, not sure what to say since she seemed to be so deep in thought. "No, it's uncomfy. It feels good but it's so stiff I don't like that." She gave back, laying her head back against the counter.

"Morning." Alex said as he entered the kitchen, scratching the back of his head while yawning. "Morning." Andrew gave back, shifting uncomfortably. He was still- jealous of Mer's and Alex' relationship. But he had no right to. They were friends and Alex could help her better than anyone else. He had to stop seeing this as a competition. "Okay, I'm letting go, I have no choice but to let go." Meredith whispered, making Alex and Andrew exchange concerned looks.

"I know that- I'll have an anxiety attack and probably an episode. Right now, I'm just trying to procrastinate it." Meredith added, starting to tremble again. "Yesterday, many people got hurt and they died and it's right I didn't help them enough. I could have done better." She said, tears welling up in her eyes.

There you go, finally admitting it. Took you long enough

"I'm sorry."

Wow you understand it now. You are a disappointment, no one loves you

"Mer, hey. Look at me." Andrew started, only continuing as she looked at him. "I love you. And I know that just like all of us, you did everything you could yesterday. Catastrophes like this happen and when they happen, all of us do whatever they can to save lives. And yesterday, you did everything you could. You pushed everything else aside. So don't you dare think that you didn't help them. You saved so many lives yesterday, so many people wouldn't be alive if you wouldn't have been there. So don't listen to that voice, alright?" he said, pulling Meredith onto his lap, cradling her gently.

He loved her. This stupid voice was wrong. Andrew loved her. "Thank you." Meredith said, still trembling awfully. "Mer, want your warm milk?" Alex asked, happy about how Andrew had handled the situation. "No, I don't deserve warm milk." Meredith said. "Hey." Andrew warned, making her lift her head from his chest. "Sorry." She said, looking down. "But I'm really not in the mood for milk." She said, cuddling back into him. "That's okay, but don't ever say that you don't deserve something." He said, rubbing her back.

"I can't really- control it." She then stuttered, her breathing starting to get faster. "It's okay, you're alright I'm right here." He reassured her, holding her close as she was having an anxiety attack. Alex returned with a blanket, covering her before sitting down next to them. Once again she kept shaking in spurts every few seconds, making miserable sounds every now and then. After a while her breathing was slowly getting steadier again. "There you go, I got you." Andrew whispered into her ear. It broke his heart to see her like this. "Have you taken your meds yet Mer?" Alex asked, gently rubbing her back as he was still sitting next to them. Meredith slightly shook her head, still trembling. "I'll get them." He said, quickly leaving the kitchen and hurrying up the stairs. Only one minute later he returned with the orange bag, grabbing her meds and a glass of water before sitting down next to them, placing the orange bag on the floor.

But as Meredith took the glass from him she couldn't hold it properly and her shaking resulted in a bit of the water spilling over. "Okay, I'll get a straw." Alex said as Andrew held the glass for her. "Sorry." She stuttered, a few more tears leaving her eyes. "Don't worry." He gave back, holding the glass for her after Alex had returned and put in the straw so that she could take her medication. "What about we dry your hair and get you back to bed." Andrew said after she had taken her meds.

Meredith just nodded. She was tired. She was exhausted. And she definitely needed some sleep since she hadn't gotten any last night.

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