Trapped in my head

Chapter 49

"I need a break." Meredith said as she now stood in Bailey's office. Bailey stayed silent. "Uhm- I want to take a break from being a surgeon." Meredith clarified as she still didn't get any response from the chief.

"Dr. Bailey?" she then asked. Bailey wasn't even looking at her, just starring straight ahead, leaning back in her desk chair. "Do- do you want me to go?"

"No, sit down." Bailey said, pointing at the chair in front of her desk. Very slowly and hesitantly Meredith walked over to the chair and sat down. Letting her hand wander over the side of the seat she found the little hole she always fidgeted with as she had to sit in this chair. Which actually happened a lot since Dr. Wyatt, Bailey and she met every month to decide how much Meredith would be working this month and with whom.

"I just wrote the surgery report." Bailey said, slightly annoyed- or harsh. "I'm sorry I know I shouldn't have- I didn't do what you told me to. I'm sorry." Meredith mumbled. She didn't even know if she felt sorry or not she just knew that this was what Bailey wanted to hear. "Don't." Bailey said, raising her head to look at Meredith what made her look down immediately. "Don't apologise Grey. We all know that you were right. You saved her. So, stop saying you're sorry." Bailey said, sitting up straighter.

"Sorry." Meredith whispered very quietly, fumbling with the seat even more. This was torture. She just wanted to go. Why was Bailey making this whole thing so unbearable. "So- can I take a break?" she asked carefully, not really sure where this whole conversation was going. "What exactly would that mean?" Bailey asked.

"I still want to continue working. I just don't want to do surgeries and treat patients." Meredith explained, grabbing a pen from the desk that was laying right in front of her, starting to nervously click it. "Alright. But- I would have to give your job to someone else for the time you won't be working in the surgical ward." Bailey said, writing something down on her notebook. "Okay." Meredith mumbled, accidently breaking the top of the pen. Bailey chuckled, sticking out her hand and taking the pen from Meredith, putting it back into the penholder, noticing that every single one of the pens was broken. Meredith broke them a lot. "You'll do whatever you need to do. And when you're ready, your job will be waiting for you." Bailey said, smiling warmly.

"Really?" Meredith asked surprised, looking up at her mentor. "Yes of course. Take all the time you need." Bailey replied. "You are one of my best surgeons Meredith and you keep proving this every single day, just like you did today. I'm not just going to replace you. And if you need a break that's okay. As long as you keep working here. This hospital really needs you."

Meredith felt her eyes getting watery. She had expected this to go totally different but Bailey was just- absolutely amazing. "Thank you." Meredith said shakily, looking up at Bailey for a few seconds "I'll go." She added, quickly walking out of the room. Bailey just smiled, shaking her head.

___________

Right after her talk with Bailey Meredith decided to go home. Normally she hated taking a cab but she had no choice. She just wanted to go home and take another nap. She thought back at the beginning of hers and Andrew's relationship. She thought about the first days, their first date and their first kiss. Back then, Meredith's health had already started to slowly decline but Andrew had somehow caught her. He had stopped her from falling. But so much happened the past few weeks. Isolation, the gas line explosion and the surgery this morning- all those things made it hard to keep going so that she knew that it had been the right decision to take a break from surgeries.

She hoped that if she would reduce the main origin of her daily overstimulation she would be feeling better. She couldn't stop working because she needed work in order to keep herself stimulated but if she would only do research, alone in the big lab, working in quietness or while listening to music, she would probably be more- relaxed and less anxious. Her anxiety issues were getting out of hand at the moment and she knew that if she would just keep going like this it would get to a state where she would have to be admitted to a mental hospital. And that wasn't going to happen again.

Arriving at home Meredith immediately took a shower, put on her Monday's pyjamas and ankle weights, and took a seat on the couch. It was still early and it would take about another two hours until her sisters and Alex would come home and probably another three until Andrew would come over. Letting out a deep breath she leaned back, closing her eyes, just enjoying the quietness for a few minutes until the silence was getting so loud that she couldn't bare it any longer.

So, she got up again. What was she supposed to do? Right now, she felt sad about having missed climbing yesterday. But it would be idiotic to go climbing now. It wasn't Sunday and she could only climb the smaller walls since Dr. Wyatt, her climbing partner, wouldn't be there. Instead, she decided to put on some music and after just walking through the living room a couple of times she started spinning, standing on the same spot, turning around in circles getting faster and faster. It felt so good. She felt free- entirely free as she was just spinning in circles. She didn't even get dizzy.

This kind of stimming was the best since she wasn't doing it because of an overstimulating environment. Happy stimming. She was happy stimming. She felt so relieved that Bailey had just granted her that break, knowing that from now on she would be feeling better again. And she couldn't wait to find out what that would mean for her and Andrew's relationship because until now she hadn't been doing the best and hadn't been entirely herself the whole time. Maybe they could go out more often, not just once a week and maybe he could stay over more often. Or she could try to stay over at his place again since she hadn't slept over at his place ever since the last time where she had had an anxiety attack.

After a while she decided to get something to eat. She didn't even remember the last time she had ate something and she was really hungry. As she walked into the kitchen, singing along to the music she found a little present on the table with her name on it. Opening the envelope, she read:

Hey little one, I'm really sorry about the surgery this morning. You are an incredible surgeon and I am very proud of you. Sorry – Alex

Smiling slightly, she opened the box, finding a blue mug, just like hers which had been broken. Walking over to the sink she washed it a few times before inspecting it closer. It was very similar to her old one. Exactly the same colour and it even seemed to fit perfectly in her hand. After putting it away in the cupboard, storing it at a place where Maggie couldn't nock it over again, she got herself some toast and butter. She wasn't really mad at Alex anymore. Of course, it had hurt that not even he had trusted her but she didn't see a reason to be mad about it. And she had a new mug.

Sitting down cross-legged on the kitchen chair she grabbed her phone and started playing friends, watching it as she ate her toast. She couldn't wait for Andrew to come over and she already looked forward to trying his self-made sushi. She couldn't wait to sit on his lap in his arms and fall asleep while he held her, all safe and secure.