Trapped in my head

Chapter 58

"Two years ago- something- happened."

"You want to talk about it?" he asked after she had fallen silent again, completely wrapped up in her thoughts. He saw a few tears leaving her eyes, sparkling in the light of the lamp. "Two years ago- I was doing really badly. It was just- there wasn't any specific event that triggered it but- I kind of went crazy and- I'm scared that if I tell you, you'll think differently about me." She whispered vulnerably, taking her time to find the right words.

"I promise you Mer, I will still love you, no matter what it is, you can tell me." He reassured her, gently stroking her cheek. "Okay." She replied, sniffling quietly and looking down, starting to play with the hem of his shirt.

"It started with nightmares. I wasn't sleeping very well back then and being tired all the time led to the nightmares increasing pretty rapidly. The dreams were always about- my dads or, Alex, Maggie and Amelia dying in the worst possible ways. I got really depressed and I was anxious and nervous all the time. One day I had a meltdown, during a surgery. It was- really bad. But nothing major happened and Bailey and I both thought that it was a one time thing, even Dr. Wyatt said that it wasn't likely to happen again. The patient was fine and Bailey decided that I could continue working."

"But it happened again?" he asked as she didn't say anything for a whole minute. "Yeah. And- it was even worse. I just- I threw a scalpel. Not- not at anyone just at the wall but I threw a scalpel during a kidney-transplant." She said, the tears running down her cheeks getting more and more what made him tighten his grip on her. "I was- not myself- I was sleep deprived and really depressed and it was just- all too much. I just broke down in the worst possible situation. The patient died- but- but not because of me- it wasn't my fault there was an investigation and it turned out that he had a heart attack so- I didn't kill him." She said, starting to cry even more.

"Mer." He tried, pulling her closer and trying to comfort her. "Bailey admitted me to psych ward and I stayed there for twelve weeks." She continued, starting to rock back and forth very intensively and holding onto herself tightly, her arms around her waist. "Apparently my- stay there was very traumatic because I don't remember anything from it at all and- Dr. Wyatt said that it might be that my brain blocked that memory out to protect me." She added, struggling to breathe.

"Slow deep breaths Mer, it's okay." He instructed, placing his hands on her shoulders to reduce her movements. "I'm sorry." She said, melting into him as he finally managed to hug her again. Her rocking stopped. "It's okay." He whispered, rubbing her back roughly to apply pressure onto her nervous system. "I was scared of everything- I had meltdowns every single day- I couldn't talk properly, I couldn't sleep- I was a whole mess. So- it was good that Bailey admitted me and after I got out I was better again. I stayed with my dads for a few weeks and they helped me a lot and Dr. Bailey even let me continue working as a surgeon." She said after she had finally calmed down again, still snuggled into his arms, holding onto him desperately.

"Dr. Wyatt, Bailey and I agreed on monthly assessments to assure that I was in the right state to treat patients and- we still do that. It's a good thing. Every first day of the month we meet and talk about everything that's going on to make sure something like this doesn't happen again." She finished, her breathing returning back to normal. He could feel her whole body trembling in his arms, she was literally shaking like a little leaf and his heart was aching for her. It was the first time ever- that he could actually feel her emotions- his heart rate copying hers. It was as if their bodies were in complete synchrony. "It's okay." He soothed her, kissing the side of her head.

"I'm scared that it will happen again- I've been having nightmares again and- I'm constantly tired." She said, her voice cracking as she could barely get out the words. He had been surprised that she had been able to keep talking through what seemed to be an anxiety attack. It seemed as if she had been wanting to tell him about this for a really long time now and finally she had been able to get it off her mind. "I'm proud of you for telling me Mer. I know that it wasn't easy for you to tell me all of this, thank you." He said, making sure to let her know how much her telling him this meant to him.

"Is there anything I can do?" he asked. "I'm not sure, you can't prevent the nightmares right?" she asked, sniffling into his neck. "I wish I could." He replied, pulling away to take a look at her face. As he saw her tear strained cheeks and red eyes he smiled sadly, gently wiping away the last few tears.

"What if it happens again?" she asked, hiccupping. "I don't know. But I will be here for it- I will be there for you, no matter what happens." He said, leaning over to his nightstand to grab her a tissue, starting to carefully dry off her cheeks and nose. "I'm scared to go to sleep." She whispered, sniffling again. "What are the nightmares about?" he asked, looking into her beautiful emerald-green eyes.

"They're about- you. You've become such an important part of my life that- my brain starts worrying about you- not being there anymore one day." She said, more tears welling up in her eye but he was quick to catch them with the crumbled tissue. And then she looked at him, for the first time this night right into his eyes. By telling him about this she was trying to tell her how much she really loved him. This- their relationship wasn't just one of that average, regular relationships that would only exist for a few months, in some cases a few years. Right in this moment, both of them realized what this really was- what their relationship was about. They were going to spend the rest of their lives together. She was it for him, and he was it for her. That one person.

"Don't worry Mer, I will be here, always. I'm not going anywhere, I'm not dying. I'm not leaving you alone." He whispered, smiling at her lovingly. "I love you so much. And this- us- we're going to be just fine, even if you're going to go through a rough time right now. But- I think that even if what happened two years ago would happen again now- you already know what is going to happen and you can do something about it before it gets worse. You could call Dr. Wyatt tomorrow and talk to her about it. And you can always talk to me, about everything. I'm here for you. Always."

She nodded, looking down and wiping her eyes with her sleeves since she was still crying. "I know what could happen- and like this I have a chance to prevent it." She summed up, taking a deep breath. "Also, you already took a step back from surgery. You realized that you weren't feeling very well at the moment and you did something about it to prevent it from getting worse." He added, giving her another tissue. She nodded again, drying her face with the tissue while slowly moving her upper body back and forth once again.

"It will be okay, I promise that. I will make sure that nothing happens to you, or to me." He reassured her again, looking at her swollen eyes. "I love you." She mumbled, not being able to stop herself from smiling and sniffling again. "I love you even more." He said, making her smile grow even bigger. "What- what time is it?" she asked, looking around herself in the foreign room. "Half past three in the morning. You want to try to sleep some more? Afterall we're on a vacation." He said, carefully lifting her off of his lap to throw away the tissues. Meredith just sat there, staring off into space. "I think I'll just take a sleeping aid." She whispered, looking up at him. He smiled at her in return, showing her that it was okay and that she shouldn't be embarrassed about it. After swallowing the pill she laid down in bed again as he did the same. "I told you. Now you know everything about my craziness." She said, scrunching up her nose like she always did when she was sleepy. "I love your craziness." He said, taking her hand in his. "And I'm here for all of it."

She just smiled at him before closing her eyes, the pill already starting to do its job. Carefully he pulled her into his arms so that she could rest her head on his chest. "Good night Mer." He whispered before closing his eyes as well, their whole conversation starting to replay in his head...

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