Trapped in my head

Chapter 18

You're being lazy.

I'm not lazy I'm just having a hard time right now.

No, you're lazy. Stop blaming it all on the autism. You. Are. Lazy.

But I am trying so hard.

No you're not. You're a disappointment

I'm not.

Yes you are. You can't always stay home when you're a little tired. Everyone experiences that from time to time you're nothing special. So, get up now and go to work.

I can't. I can't get up. I can't move.

Why do people even care about you you're awfully lazy and selfish.

Really?

Yes, so get up and go to the hospital. Right now.

Sighing, Meredith sat up, every single cell of her body protesting against the movement. She was still awfully exhausted but her mind was making her feel like a selfish imposter who was trying to avoid work and stay in bed. Which would be her being lazy and she didn't want this stupid voice in her head to be right. Somehow her lungs felt as if they were only half as big as usually. She couldn't breathe properly and she felt warm but not in a good way. Everything hurt and she felt as if something was eating her from the inside. She wanted to cry and scream and punch something. But she was trapped. Trapped in her own stupid mind that was making her feel this way. Just the thought of standing up and getting dressed made tears well up in her eyes. It was all too much. She couldn't do this anymore.

She wanted to cry but she couldn't. She wanted to get up but couldn't. She wanted to scream but couldn't. She wanted to show this voice in her head that she wasn't lazy but she couldn't. She was lazy. She was lazy and selfish. Where was she supposed to go now? What was she supposed to do?

Should she stay in bed because she was obviously having an episode or should she go to work to prove herself that she wasn't actually a human this awful and loafing?

See. Told you. You're lazy, you just can't do anything right. You're always like 'oh I'm overstimulated I have to take a nap now' or you go 'I have anxiety I need special treatment'

"That's not true." Meredith whispered, shakily wiping away her tears.

Of course it is. Everyone has problems, get over it.

"I'm trying." She then mumbled, slowly standing up and opening her closet. Only a few minutes later the door opened and Alex walked in, a cup with warm milk in his hand. "Hey Mer, you're a little late so I already prepared your milk. What's wrong?" he asked as he noticed her tears, placing the cup on the dresser. But Meredith ignored him, trying to get her mind to stop talking and bullying her and finally decide on what she could wear. Only to decide to put on a sweater and a leggings.

"Meredith?" Alex asked, carefully placing a hand on her shoulder and turning her around to look at him. "I have to go to work. I'm not lazy." She said on the verge of breaking into tears again. Alex didn't reply, carefully leading her over to the bed and making her sit down. "You're staying home Mer, you're having an episode." He then whispered, knowing that she probably wasn't listening anyways. Picking up the cup again he gave it to her, hoping a few sips of the warm liquid would help her calm down again.

"Come on, drink a bit." He said, rubbing her back, trying to get her to get her mind off of whatever she was thinking about and draw her attention onto something else. She didn't want to talk though. She didn't want to talk at all. He knew this behaviour from her. It didn't happen very often but mainly every time something essential in her routine would change. But it wasn't entirely because of DeLuca. Meredith got those episodes from time to time where she would be experiencing 'imposter syndrome'.

It's a time episode where her mind would keep trying to get her to think that she was faking everything and that she wasn't actually experiencing overstimulation, anxiety and other symptoms of her autism. She would think that she's lazy, that she's selfish and that she's faking everything which was of course not true.

"I'm fine Alex." She then whispered, looking down at the cup in her hand. "I just have to try harder. I have to go to work because everyone has bad days. It's normal. They come to an end and the next day will be better." She continued, still not looking up. Alex had no idea what to do. If he would try to convince her to stay home it would end in a fight and he didn't want to fight with her when she obviously wasn't feeling well.

"You sure?" he asked, laying an arm around her again and carefully laying his cheek against her head. He hated seeing her like this. Those bad days were hard for all of them because he hated seeing Meredith suffer. "Yeah." She gave back, standing up, finishing the milk and disappearing into the bathroom, locking the door behind her to ensure that Alex wouldn't follow her.

And then she broke down. She fell onto the floor, instinctively curling up in foetal position, crying, trying to not make a sound. But she failed. She kept crying for what felt like hours, struggling to breathe.

I told you. You're weak, you're pathetic. You don't deserve to be happy. Look at you how you're crying on the floor just to get attention.

"Please stop." Meredith sobbed, desperately trying to fill her lungs with air as suddenly the door burst open and both Andrew and Alex stood in the bathroom.