Trapped in my head

Chapter 27

After Bailey had made Andrew leave the isolation room again he had been able to convince Meredith to change into some comfortable clothes Alex had brought her and take a nap. They had also started to set her up on antibiotics so that in case she was indeed infected her body would already start fighting against the virus before it would even start to spread inside of her.

Right now he was just watching her sleep because somehow he was frozen and he couldn't move. It was as if he had been paralyzed. He just couldn't stop looking at her small form on the bed through this stupid plastic foil separating them. Why hadn't he just convinced her to stay home this morning because then, none of this would have happened. Meredith would still be laying on his couch, safe, far away from everything that could hurt her.

Also, now their relationship was public. It had been made official, involuntarily but actually he was happy about it.

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After he had finished his last round of checking on post-ops his shift was over now. But since Meredith was still in isolation he decided to sleep at the hospital in an on call room. "Mer?" he asked as he saw that she was laying on the bed with her eyes open, staring at the opposite wall. But she didn't react. "Mer?" he tried again and very slowly she moved her head. "I'm going to sleep in an on call room tonight, you can call me whenever you need me alright? I'll be here in no time." He said, smiling encouragingly at her. Something seemed off. She didn't react at all and just went back to staring at the wall. Just two hours ago she had been yelling and crying but now she seemed numb. And although her having a meltdown was painful to watch, her seeming to have absolutely no emotion was somehow pretty terrifying.

But right now he felt as if he needed to give her some space. All of this was scary since she could be sick. Very sick actually. And even for a neurotypical person that would be a lot to process but for Meredith it was even harder. Over the past week he had learned that Meredith accepted comfort when she really needed it and therefor he was sure, that she would come to him when she would be ready.

So, he walked over into the on call room and laid down. This day had been- a lot. This morning Meredith had woken up in his bed because they had spend the night together what had been an amazing experience. Then she had had an anxiety attack before they had went to work. He had had his first solo surgery which had been a success but instead of being able to celebrate it with his girlfriend he had been wearing a protective gown to help her calming down while she had been having a meltdown. She was in isolation because she had been in contact with a tuberculosis patient who had died by now because they had diagnosed it too late. And right now, he was still in the hospital. He had hoped that tonight he and Meredith would maybe have dinner together or at least kiss each other goodnight before driving home but no. She was alone in an isolated room and he was alone in an on call room.

This was so not how he had imagined this day to go.

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In the middle of the night he woke up to his cell phone vibrating in his hand, playing the sound it always played when he got a message. Sleepily opening his eyes he unlocked his phone, seeing that Meredith had texted him. She had send him a link to website with no comment at all. Opening the website he begun to read an article about 'Autistic shutdowns' and with each row he read his eyes kept widening in fear.

"Autistic people experience shutdowns as a response to overwhelming situations. In that case they go into a mental "shutdown" mode and have little to no energy, dissociation from thoughts and feelings and other symptoms listed at the bottom of the page. In essence, Shutdowns are a coping tool many Autistics use to circumvent painful meltdowns and preserve their mental health"

Reading this he continued to scroll down the side, reading through the causes of those shutdowns. "Emotional Overload; not having enough time to process difficult topics; being rushed to make decisions." He didn't even need to continue reading the causes. All three of the first had already occurred today. She didn't have anytime to process the tuberculosis incident before having been put into isolation and of cause this had caused her to be overwhelmed which was why she had have that meltdown.

Scrolling further down on the page he started to read the symptoms of shutdowns which were staring, becoming unresponsive to others, the inability to speak or move, a feeling of heaviness in the limbs and difficulty forming thoughts. The next thing he read was that some Autistics know when a shutdown is coming on while others only realize it in the midst of the shutdown. Had Meredith sent him this article to tell him that she was about to experience such a shutdown? The causes seemed to be fitting to what happened today and her weird behaviour before he had went to sleep seemed to fit to the symptoms as well.

Continuing to read the article he hoped to find some kind of instruction on how to help her through it and what to do to help her cope with the situation she, or they, were currently in. And a the end of the page he found a topic saying: "How Shutdowns should be handled"

As he continued to read he made a mental note on sleep, that the shutdown won't last for long, in the worst case for a week or two, they should go to safe place preferably sensory friendly where they can be alone or with a person they trust and take the time they need before going back into the 'real life'. Okay. So, if Meredith was indeed going through such a phase he should make sure she gets enough sleep and is at a safe place. Well that would probably be difficult since she was in isolation and couldn't get out for another two days. He should make sure that she will still be comfortable. Did Alex bring her ankle weights? Probably, he was her best friend and he knew her.

Getting up he walked out of the room and over to Meredith's isolation room. The hallways weren't dark but still it was a little spooky with the dimmed lights and how quiet it was. Meredith seemed to be asleep but she had moved her bed back into the last corner so that he couldn't see her that well. His mind was wide awake by now and he was thinking about what he should do. The website had both said that during a shutdown autists should be left alone and given space but also that if they would be comfortable with it, spend time with a trusted person. Was he a trusted person? And did she want him to be around? The fact that she had send him the article to, in her way, tell him what was happening or about to happen to her could be her way of asking him to help her. The only thing he could do right now was to make sure her environment would be as comfortable as possible for her and if she needed him he had an idea. He quietly begun to move the couch from the closest scan room over to the plastic foil so that it was touching it from the outside. Then he quietly put on a protection gear and went inside Meredith's isolation room, also moving her couch quietly over to the foil so that they were touching with only the plastic in between. Like this they somehow had a bed.

Now he went over to her bed, watching her. And as if she had felt his presence she started to wake up, soon looking up to him. At first she flinched from his appearance since with the yellow gear he did look like something a kid would have a nightmare about so that he quickly took a step back. "It's just me Mer." He whispered, smiling at her. "I read the article you send me and I thought maybe you could use some company. If you want to, I tried to set up a bed for us." He said, pointing over at the couches. As Meredith followed his gaze a small smile appeared on her face.

"I just wanted to warn you. It's not that bad yet but I thought I'd rather tell you now." She whispered slowly, making him sigh in relief. "Thanks for telling me." He replied, relieved by the fact that it seemed as if she wasn't feeling that bad yet and by how he had been right about him being her trusted person which warmed his heart.

Five minutes later he had changed back into his comfortable clothes and Meredith had moved over to the couch so that they were now almost laying next to each other, looking into each other's eyes. He couldn't help but think about how beautiful she was. "Good night Mer, try to sleep a bit." He said, covering himself with a blanket while Meredith was already half asleep under her pile of blankets.

She was going to be okay. In two days her blood tests would come back negative and he would take her to his place if she wanted to and help her to recover from the emotional stress. And right now he was more than thankful that even through a plastic foil he could still be with her.

Five minutes later Meredith heard Andrew's breath evening out so that she opened her eyes again. Looking at Andrew she realized how lucky she was. Of course she had Maggie, Amelia and Alex who always took great care of her but with Andrew it was more than just taking care of her. He had made sure she felt safe. He had made this a safe place. And he was her safe person.