Trapped in my head

Chapter 68

After leaving Dr. Wyatt's office Meredith immediately checked her phone, hoping to see a massage from Andrew. She hadn't heard from him all morning although she had texted him multiple times, wanting to tell him that she was sorry and that she wanted to talk to him. After their fight this morning she had left and ever since he had just disappeared. Maybe he was in surgery or occupied with a complicated case.

But no, she hadn't gotten a massage from him. Her chest quickly tightened up so that she closed her eyes, trying to breathe a little slower and calm herself down. Andrew was okay. He was fine. Nothing had happened.

She hated how things were between them right now. She had never wanted this to become so complicated.

And therapy had been draining. Dr. Wyatt had made her talk about her nightmares and the very intense meltdowns she's been having the past few days. She was still wearing her sweatpants since she hadn't had any energy to change before leaving for her appointment. But now all she wanted was to go home. Andrew had promised her that they would be okay. Even if they were fighting right now. He had promised that he wouldn't leave her.

Walking down the hallway she tried to focus on nothing but her breathing. Because if she would look around she would see people staring at her, she would see bright light sources, she would see so many colours, she would hear so many noises and all that was just too much right now. She kept walking with her head down until she suddenly bumped into Jo.

"Dr. Grey we need your help there is a severe trauma coming in and every other general surgeon is in surgery." She rambled, completely out of breath. "I'm not working today." Meredith said, having trouble keeping eye contact. "But you're the only one available we need you right now okay?" she said desperately, making Meredith sigh. "Fine." She said, following Jo down the hallway and into the elevator. As soon as they arrived in the ER they quickly put on some gowns and gloves and walked out into the driveway in front of the ER, waiting for the ambulance to arrive. Until now Meredith had completely forgotten that she had a bandaid around her hand that limited her movements and hoped no one would notice. She wasn't going to performa  surgery anyways since she wasn't ready for that yet. 

"Do we know what happened?" Meredith asked, trying to prepare herself for what was going to come and switch into doctor mode. Even if she wouldn't go into the OR she still needed to help the patient the best she could. "A motorcycle accident. Motorcycle was hit by a semi-truck." Jo replied. Meredith felt a cold shiver run down her spine as she tried to remain calm. Andrew was safe. He was in the OR. She was sure of that. He was probably repairing a spleen or doing another appendectomy right now. He was fine.

And then the ambulance arrived. Meredith quickly covered her ears as it came closer and only let go again as the ambulance stopped and the serene quieted down. But when the doors opened and the gurney was unloaded Meredith froze. It was a man, same height as Andrew and- and he was wearing his shoes. The motorcycle accident was wearing Andrew's shoes. He had his shoes. "Dr. Grey!" Jo screamed, pulling her out of her catatonic state. Meredith walked along the gurney as they brought him in, trying to get a look at his face. But- there was no- there was no face. There was just blood. There was no face.

As they started working on him, trying to get an impression of the injuries and debating over an emergency surgery Meredith tried to find small details like a freckle or something like that to make sure that this man who was laying here, dying, was not Andrew. She tried to stay focused as hard as she could but she was terrified. What if this was Andrew? What if her biggest nightmare had come true? What if she had lost him? And what if the last thing that she had said to him had been 'I hate you'?

All of the sudden she started to feel very dizzy. Everything was spinning and she was extremely nauseous. She couldn't breathe at all. And she could feel how her brain was running out of oxygen.

"We need- need to get him into s-surgery pl-please page s-someone else." She wheezed, stumbling backwards into the wall before everything went black.

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A few minutes later Meredith woke up on the floor, two nurses hovering over her. She quickly blinked her eyes trying to adjust to the bright light. "Dr. Grey? Can you hear me? You passed out." one of the nurses said, while the other one checked her pupils with a light pen to make sure that she was responsive. Very slowly Meredith sat up, leaning back against the wall. This was scary and she felt completely overwhelmed. She had never passed out in her entire life before. Her whole body tingled and she felt- crushed. It was a very unpleasant feeling.

And for a second everything was okay. Until she saw the blood on the floor and remembered why she had passed out. "Dr. Grey can I help you up?" the other nurse said, reaching out to grab Meredith's arm. "Don't touch me. Please." Meredith replied, flinching and pulling her arm back. "Did they take him into surgery?" she asked quietly.

"Yes, Bailey just finished her surgery and took over." The nurse explained. Meredith carefully got up, steading herself against the wall and taking off the gown, fumbling her phone out of her pocket. She quickly opened Andrew's contact and called him, holding her phone to her ear. "Please pick up." She whispered, tears running down her cheeks. "Come on please Andrew." She said desperately. "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry." She hiccupped, starting to sob.