Trapped in my head

Chapter 64

The whole day at the hospital Meredith wasn't able to concentrate at all. She kept having anxiety attacks because the stress was just getting too much. She was shaking unstoppable and all she wanted to do was just scream. Scream as loud as she could to get all of those emotions out. She needed to get all of those feelings out because it really started to hurt her head. She always had trouble with naming her feelings or even talking about them but feeling so much all at once was the most overwhelming thing she had ever experienced. So, she felt like screaming. But she couldn't scream because she was at a hospital.

Right now she was sitting on the floor of her office, her headphones on and the music turned up. She was trying to get the music to cover all of the feelings and for a while it worked. Until it didn't anymore. Her fingers were tingling and her chest felt tight and she already knew what was going to come. A few days ago she would have grabbed her phone and send Andrew a message to ask him to come to her office and help her through it. But she just couldn't get her arm to reach up to her desk and grab the phone. Her arm was- paralysed. She couldn't move it at all no matter how hard she tried. So she just sat there, feeling the emotions getting worse, making her start to cry.

She couldn't even describe what she was feeling right now. But she imagined that this must be what it was like to be crushed and run over by a truck. She couldn't breathe, everything hurt, every single cell of her body was in pain. Immediately her hands went to her chest. She couldn't breathe and it kept getting worse. What was she supposed to do, not even the music was working anymore. She couldn't hear it; it had just disappeared into the back of her mind.

She needed to give him the keys back and then she needed to convince him to give back the motorcycle. That was the only way to get back to normal. But that would only benefit her. It wouldn't benefit him because he would lose his motorcycle. And she wasn't sure what to do. Her own peace or his joy. She needed to make a decision. Right now. Because she couldn't breathe.

Suddenly her pager went off. Since she wasn't doing any surgeries at the moment Bailey had given her some research as well as some more patients she struggled to find a diagnosis for to keep Meredith busy. But she just couldn't get up. It was Bailey paging her and it was her job to react to the page but she couldn't move. She couldn't get up. "Fuck!" she hissed, trying to sound angry but all over just sounding sad and exhausted.

"Grey where the hell are you! I've been paging you for five minutes!" Bailey yelled as the door suddenly flew open. But as she saw Meredith sitting there, crying and hyperventilating, she quickly closed the door behind her, her expression softening. "You okay Grey?" she asked, coming closer. "I'm so s-sorry. I think- I need an emergency- emergency assessment. I'm not- I can't work I'm not okay right now." She wheezed, still struggling to breathe.

"Okay, should I get Dr. Wyatt?" Bailey asked, still not entirely sure what to do. Meredith nodded, brushing her hair out of her face and tucking it behind her ears. "Okay, you try to calm down a little, I'll call her. We'll meet in ten minutes in my office alright?" she said, walking back over to the door.

"Okay." Meredith whispered, closing her eyes and trying to focus on the music.

_________

Ten minutes later all three, Meredith, Bailey and Dr. Wyatt were sitting in Bailey's office in complete silence. "So, what is this all about?" Dr. Wyatt asked, her question manly directed to Meredith. "It's bad again. Really bad." She whispered, intensively fidgeting with her magnetic massage balls.

"You mean like- two years ago?" Dr. Bailey asked a little shocked. Meredith nodded, her breathing still quicker than normally. "I have nightmares. And it's getting worse." She continued; her gaze fixed onto the window. "Do you know what's causing the nightmares?" Dr. Wyatt asked carefully, her notepad on her lap just like always. "Yeah." Meredith admitted, trying not to think about that stupid, life-ruining motorcycle.

Both Dr. Wyatt and Dr. Bailey sensed that she didn't want to go further into that topic so that they decided to move on. "So, what would you like to do? Get some time off? Or already get admitted, just to make sure it doesn't get worse." Bailey asked carefully, trying to approach the topic carefully. "You think I need to be admitted again?" Meredith asked calmly, terrified about being stuck in psych ward again. Because the last time had been traumatising.

"You noticed it was getting worse, maybe some time off will already do it. You're in charge Meredith." Dr. Wyatt said soothingly, wanting to give Meredith a feeling of control. She knew exactly how hard it had been for her the last time. "Will two weeks be enough for now?" Bailey asked, taking a look at Meredith's file and seeing that she hadn't taken even half of her days off yet.

Meredith nodded again, looking down onto the floor. "Thank you." She muttered, nervously tapping her leg up and down. "Meredith I want you to come to therapy twice a week for a while alright?" Dr. Wyatt said while getting up. "Okay." Meredith gave back, not moving a single inch. "Okay, see you tomorrow then."

After Dr. Wyatt had left the room Meredith stayed in her seat for a little longer. "Ben's a firefighter." She said all of the sudden. "He is." Dr. Bailey replied a little confused. "Do you ever- do you ever dream about- him- dying?" Meredith asked. "I- did in the beginning. Of course I worry a lot and every time there is a major catastrophe, firefighters get hurt too so- every time an ambulance pulls up I'm scared to see him there on a stretcher." She answered, observing Meredith closely.

"And- how do you do it? How do you- stay calm?" Meredith then asked. "I remind myself that he's doing what he loves and he's helping so many people, saving so many lives. And I know that he's always careful because he has a family that can't lose him. We're talking about it openly. That helps." Dr. Bailey explained.

"Is DeLuca doing something stupid Grey?" Bailey then asked after they had sat in silence for a few minutes. "He- he got a motorcycle." Meredith mumbled, still looking down. Just the thought made her nauseous once again. "You should just talk to him."

Meredith stayed silent. If it was that easy she would have talked to him yesterday. Before he had bought that death machine. "You should go home, get some sleep and then just talk to him. He will understand." Bailey said. "Okay. Thank you." Meredith whispered, standing up now and walking out. She kind of felt better now. She had time and space to get better. All she needed to do now was tell him the truth about his keys and then- then they would have a fight. And after that fight everything might return back to normal. Hopefully.