Trapped in my head

Chapter 12

As Andrew arrived in the gallery of OR3 he hesitantly took a seat in the first row. He was more than concerned about her which was why he needed to see her to be reassured that she was alright. The OR was completely silent and no one was saying a single word. Meredith's focus was on the patient, nothing else had space in her head right now. She needed to finish this surgery and afterwards she could have another meltdown.

Throughout the whole surgery he kept sitting in the same seat in the gallery, not moving a single inch. He didn't want to miss out on anything and make sure Meredith was still standing there and that she was fine. Well, as fine as she could be since something had seemed to be bothering her as he had found her in her office.

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After the surgery had finished he quickly made his way downstairs into the scrub room while everyone else was leaving. As he found her washing her hands in the sink, quietly humming 'bad romance' he immediately noticed that she was trembling again while tears were running down her cheeks. The moment the surgery had been done she had broke down internally again.

"Do you want to talk about it?" he asked after she had finally noticed his presence, getting silent. "I- yes but- no. Because I don't know how to tell you without hurting you. I'm not good at this stuff and I'm scared I'll say something that'll hurt you, even though I don't want that." She rambled, a quiet sob escaping her at the end of the sentence. "You can tell me Mer, just try okay? And I won't be hurt by anything you say alright? I just want to know how I can help you." Andrew gave back, smiling at her encouragingly.

"Okay. The fact that you are somehow part of my life now is too much for me. You're changing my daily routine and my work routine because you distract me and you talk to me and you make me feel things I never felt before and that's a lot to take. And I don't mean that in a bad way because I really like you and I like that you're part of my life now. That's why I have meltdowns like earlier. There is so much changing right now that makes it really hard for me to breathe sometimes. I get anxious even when the smallest things in my daily routine change. And a whole new person in my life is a big change and it'll take time until I won't feel like this anymore every time I notice how much you affect my life all of the sudden. So, if you really want this, if you really want to be with me you have to understand that the first one or maybe two months won't be easy because it'll be a lot for me and therefor I'll be very difficult to deal with for the people around me. So if you're not serious with this and it's just- a joke to you or something you don't see a future for then tell me now because you and every other human on this planet would recover from something like this, but I wouldn't. That's why Alex was so angry about this because he knows that if- I don't know, you cheat on me, then I won't recover from that. My stupid autism mind is trying to integrate you into my life right now and I need to know if it's worth it. And I'm sorry if anything I said was mean or hurt you I really didn't intend to. I'm sorry I'm just trying to explain- myself to you." Meredith rambled, finishing washing her hands and drying them off with a towel while looking down.

"Wow that was- indeed a lot." Andrew said, trying to process everything Meredith had said. "Come with me, I don't want to talk about all of this in here." He said, carefully taking her hand and leading her into the next on call room, locking the door behind them. "Meredith, this is really serious to me. I really like you. So much that I am willing to do everything to make sure those first months won't be hell for you because from how you described it, it sounded as if it would be hell for you. And yes, it's worth it, I don't plan on leaving and I certainly would never cheat on an amazing woman like you." He said, sitting down on one of the beds next to her.

"And I am not mad at you for asking me about this because I totally understand that you're trying to protect yourself. But I promise you, you're the only woman I have eyes for, you're the only person I can think about all day. Every time I see you I start smiling like an idiot because you're beautiful and funny and I just- want to kiss you and don't ever stop again." He said, smiling at her reassuringly.

And there it was, she was smiling too, her cheeks bright red and he could see the light shining in her watery eyes. "And you're sure about that?" Meredith asked, a single tear rolling down her cheek. "Yes, one hundred percent. But I'm not the one having to be sure about this Mer. You need to ask yourself if you want this and if it's worth it for you. Because you are the one that will be going through a rough phase. But- if something like a few hours ago happens again I want you to call me or page me or just text me because I want to be there for you, alright? I want to be there when something like this happens."

"Andrew I- you said all those perfect things and I can't- I'll mess up this moment if I say anything now." Meredith said, looking down at the floor again. How could she say something like that? How could she think like that of herself? She could never ruin a moment that was just so amazingly perfect because she was here in the room.

"Say whatever you want to say. There's nothing you could say to ruin this, I promise." He encouraged her, stroking the back of her hand with his thumb. "I really like you. And even though the past few days had been a lot they were at the same time the best days of my life I guess. Because I've never been this happy before. And- earlier when I had this meltdown I was so far away from calming down again that- you- you really helped me. And I shouldn't have just ran away. Because somehow- the moment you were there everything was better again- and- I'm sorry I'm really terrible at this." Meredith said, nervously tapping her foot up and down, a few more tears leaving her eyes. "You're not Mer, I'm happy I could help you earlier. So, if anything like this happens again you can always call me, okay? Even if it's in the middle of the night." He said, gently laying an arm around her back, hoping it wouldn't overwhelm her too much and make her even more nervous. But it obviously didn't since she just leaned closer into him, laying her head on his shoulder. "A-are we in a re-relationship now?" Meredith asked, taking out one of the massage balls since she felt completely sensorily overloaded right now.

"I think so. But we can take it as slow as you need it. You mean so much to me that I don't want you feel so anxious about all of this." He said, hesitantly placing a kiss on top of her head. "I now remember why I tried to prevent this for so long. Why I tried to push you away for months. But at the same time I'm mad at myself that I did so and that I didn't go out with you earlier. Because I really like kissing you and spending time with you. And I know that it'll be worth it. You're worth it." She mumbled quietly, not being able to stop herself from smiling brightly.

"Andrew, can I ask you a favour?" Meredith asked after a few minutes of silence. "Of course." He replied, still rubbing her back soothingly. "I'm- still not feeling very well and I should go home but- I want to- I want to sleep a bit, but I don't want to be alone and- and I like it when you're here." She whispered, looking up at him hesitantly. "I'll stay with you until you're ready." He said, smiling reassuringly. "Come on, lay down." Andrew instructed, making room for her on the bed before very carefully laying his arms around her, placing himself right behind her. "Is this okay for you?" Andrew asked, not wanting to frighten her even more. "This- feels really good." Meredith mumbled, slowly starting to relax into his arms before she quickly fell asleep.