Trapped in my head

Chapter 63

In the middle of the night Meredith woke up from another nightmare. Quickly moving out of his arms she hurried into the bathroom and sat down in the shower like always, the towel she had grabbed on the way tightly pressed onto her mouth to muffle her cries. Andrew had just died in her dreams. Again. And how did he die? In a motorcycle accident.

This was torture. Pure torture. She couldn't do this anymore she needed this whole hell to stop. And all of the sudden she started to feel sick again. This was really getting to her. Kneeling down in front of the toilet she just sat there, waiting, her eyes closed, her mind focused on her breathing. And then she felt his hand on her back again, sending off this warm feeling into her body. "It's okay." He said, rubbing her back, making her feel so safe and secure. And the sick feeling just disappeared again as if his hand on her back had magically cured her.

Closing the toilet she crawled onto his lap, curling up in his arms like a little kangaroo but not breaking the silence yet. Turning on his lap she laid her legs around his waist, cuddling further into him, feeling his heartbeat against her. He was okay. For now at least.

Standing up with her still in his arms he carefully carried her back into the bedroom, sitting her down on her side of the bed and taking his place next to her. He knew that something was off. "What's on your mind?" he asked softly, stroking her cheek. His touch on her cheek felt so unbelievingly good that she immediately started to heat up again. "You still seem to have a fever." He frowned as he saw her red cheeks. "But seriously Mer what's wrong?" he asked as he now spotted her wet eyes shining in the moonlight.

"I'm fine." She mumbled not very convincingly. "You can tell me Mer." He said, his voice in the most soothing tone she had ever heard from him. "I'll get something to drink and- and take some Tylenol." She whispered, needing to get out of here as fast as possible. She was lying to him about being sick with the intention to sabotage one of his biggest dreams and she couldn't face him right now.

She couldn't even be in the same room with him anymore which was horrible. It was horrible. She wanted to go back, back to when they had been happy. Back to before her nightmares had started. She literally ran out of the room, down the stairs and into the kitchen. Grabbing herself a glass of cold water she sat down at the table, trying to calm herself down.

And then she saw them. The keys. The keys to the deadly death machine were laying right in front of her. Looking around she made sure that Andrew hadn't followed her before reaching for the keys and shoving them into her pocket. She needed to hide them. She needed to make sure he wouldn't drive that motorcycle. It was the only logical thing to do.

Getting up again she walked over into the laundry room, looking for a spot where she could hide the keys. She ended up laying them on top of the fuse box where you couldn't see them anymore.

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It was okay, it was all okay. She had to do this, there was nothing wrong about hiding the keys. Except there was. There was something seriously wrong about it and she hated herself for being so selfish. But she was helpless and confused and scared.

Walking back into the bedroom she found him still awake, waiting for her. "Feeling better now?" he asked, making her lay down in his arms again. "Yeah." She said truthfully. She was feeling better now that the keys were hid because like this he was a lot safer. "Sleep well, I love you so much." He said before going back to sleep. Immediately tears welled up in her eyes. What the hell was she doing? She was lying to him, hiding his keys and- and lying to him. She loved him so what the hell was she thinking. Why the hell was she sabotaging one of his dreams just so that she could sleep better. It was just- so wrong.

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When Meredith woke up the next morning the spot next to her was empty. "A-Andrew?" she asked with a shaky voice, sitting up. After not having slept that much last night she was completely overtired, overwhelmed and just- really exhausted. She felt not at all like herself. But where was Andrew? Did she just- did she just hallucinate about last night and he- he was already dead? Had he died in a motorcycle accident while taking his first ride on it? Had she just been imagining that he had been here, holding her all night and taking care of her. "Andrew?" she asked again, her breathing starting to get faster. Almost jumping out of bed she ran out of the room and down the stairs, tears running down her cheeks. "Andrew?" she almost shouted desperately, trying to find him. Where was he? Where did he go?

"Hey, I'm here Mer!" he said, coming out of the kitchen with a smile on his face. As he saw her tear stained face he quickly walked over to her and took her into his arms. "It's okay, I got you. I'm here, I'm okay." He said, immediately realising that she must have had another nightmare. "Don't just- don't just leave okay you- you always have to wait- to wait until I wake up okay?" she hiccupped, still crying.

"I'm sorry. I promise, from now on I'll always wait. I promise." He said, rubbing her back. He had already realised that she had developed some kind of- separation anxiety that came along with her nightmares. "How are you feeling? Still nauseous?" he asked after she had calmed down again. "No, I'm okay. I guess I just- ate something- that wasn't good anymore." She rambled, not looking up at him. "I'm glad you're feeling better again. Come on, I already made breakfast, everyone else is already awake." He said, taking her hand and leading her into the kitchen where Alex, Maggie and Amelia were already waiting. Meredith fell silent. It was all getting too much and everything was happening way too fast. She would for sure have an episode by the end of the day or at least a really bad meltdown. Everything felt so- unnormal, so unreal and uncomfortable. Everything felt wrong.

"Has anyone seen my keys? I left them here on the table and they're just- gone. My shift starts in an hour." Andrew said, looking around confused. And all of the sudden Meredith started to feel sick again. "No I- I haven't seen them." Meredith said, fidgeting with the hem of her shirt. Alex gave her a very suspicious look what made her turn around and walk over to the cupboard to get her mug. "I swear I left them here." Andrew said, starting to search around the kitchen.

She needed to tell him. She needed to give him back the keys. "You can ride with us DeLuca." Amelia said, looking up from her phone as she was eating her cereal. "I bought it yesterday I can't have already lost the keys." He muttered to himself, walking over into the living room. "What did you do Mer?" Alex whispered, coming over to her. "Nothing." She said, staring back at him for a few seconds before lowering her gaze and quickly walking away.

This was even worse. She needed to tell him. But now there was going to be a fight. They were going to have a fight about it anyways so- she might as well keep them hidden a little longer. Just to make sure he wouldn't die.