Trapped in my head

Chapter 15

As suddenly the doorbell rang Meredith immediately jumped up, running over to the door and sliding the last few inches on her woollen socks over the floor before opening the front door with a big smile on her face. "Hey." Andrew said, smiling just as bright as her as he took in her appearance. She was wearing comfy clothes, her hair was open and slightly messy and she just looked absolutely adorable.

She was even more beautiful now if that was even possible but he just admired every single bit of her. Always and anywhere. He also noticed the little blue bandages she was wearing around each of her ankles but he decided not to ask her about that yet. "I brought some wine." He smiled as he took of his shoes and she closed the door behind him. "Thank you, you didn't have to bring something." She said quietly, smiling brightly at him. "But I wanted to." He replied, leaning down to place a kiss on her lips. "Come on, it's all prepared already." She said, taking his hand and leading him over into the kitchen were all Maggie, Amelia and Alex were already waiting.

"Hey" Andrew said shyly, sitting down next to Meredith and opposite Amelia. "Hey DeLuca, glad you're joying us." She said, smiling at Andrew. "I'm thankful for the invitation." He said as Meredith filled everyone's glass with the wine Andrew had brought before sitting down on her chair with her legs crossed. After they started playing Andrew couldn't help but take a glance at Meredith every now and then because seeing her like this, all comfortable and happy just made his heart warm up immediately. Just how she sat there made him grin like an idiot so that he had difficulties concentrating on the game and kept losing constantly. But that didn't matter to him at all. Because he got to spend time with her and her friends and just the fact that she had asked him to come over already meant a lot to him since he had learned that she wasn't that type of person to take things fast in relationships. Mainly because from what he knew, this was her first relationship ever.

The evening couldn't be described with any other word than perfect. Not just the fact that Meredith's friends were all really nice to him and otherwise than in the hospital actually treated him like an equal person, he loved to see Meredith so happy and careless even more. She seemed to be feeling completely comfortable even though they had just discussed their relationship like six hours ago. She was starting to trust him and that meant the world to him.

Also, he learned that Meredith liked carrot and paprika sticks which was really important to him since with her ARFID the choices of things she would eat were probably very slim. He had already made some research about that type of eating disorder yesterday and had learned a lot more about it. He was determined to get to know her as fast as possible to show her how serious their relationship was to him from the very first moment.

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Two days later

"Meredith?" Andrew asked into the quiet and dark room. "You paged me?" he asked again, looking around but not being able to see a lot until he turned on the light. And as he did so, he spotted Meredith curled up in the corner of the supply closet, crying quietly. "What happened?" he asked concerned, kneeling down next to her and carefully laying an arm around her, pulling her into a hug. She didn't reply and he was almost sure that she was having another meltdown or a panic attack.

As she still didn't seem to calm down he carefully pulled her onto his lap again, letting her lean side-wards against his chest where she cuddled into him, closing her eyes. He took her hand in his, gently stroking it while giving her time to collect herself again, not sure what else to do. He noticed how she was humming very quietly once again, the same four notes over and over again. It was a repetitive pattern that provided her structure and therefor calmed her down. Yes, he had studied a lot.

Very gently he placed a kiss on the top of her head and started to rub her back, trying to give her some sensory relief by applying pressure onto her nerve system. He smiled brightly as he noticed how she had started to fidget with his fingers while she was getting calmer and calmer the more time passed. He knew that she didn't like talking about her meltdowns a lot or about her feelings in general and that she wouldn't be able to talk in the first few minutes afterwards so that he stayed silent, waiting for her to start talking first to make sure she would have enough time to sort out her thoughts. And she seemed to appreciate it since she kept playing with his fingers, her face buried into the crock of his neck.

She sighed before raising one hand and wiping away the tears that had rolled down her cheeks with her sleeve. "Thank you." She whispered, lifting her head a little to look at him. "Nothing to thank for." He replied, carefully stroking her cheek with his hand and sorting out her hair that was now slightly messy. "You want to talk about it?" he asked hesitantly, not really sure what to say. Meredith just shook her head. "I was just- overstimulated I- needed some alone time. But I didn't want to be alone." She whispered, making it hard for him not to chuckle at her statement. To him it sounded weird to say something like that but to her it made sense and if he would laugh he would probably hurt her. "I'm here, I'll always come when you need me to." He replied instead, smiling at her reassuringly. He didn't need to understand her entirely yet, for now he just needed to make sure she trusted him while trying to learn more and more along the way about how her brain worked, what she liked and didn't like and especially where she needed their relationship to go to be comfortable. And as long as she was happy he would be happy.

"We should get back to work." She mumbled, letting herself lean into him again, seeking for his closeness. "You don't seem as if you want to go back to work though." He said after another few minutes had passed. Andrew didn't want her to feel even worse than she already did so he firstly needed to make sure that she was ready to get up already. "I just wish I could wear my ankle weights at work and listen to music the whole time, walk around with headphones throughout the whole day. I feel so- angry. I don't even really know why." She whispered, grabbing a fistful of his shirt with her hand.

"Angry might not even be the right word." She added tiredly, closing her eyes again. She wished she was at home right now, have her ankle weights, her comfort music, her bed, the quietness, the perfectly organized and structured things and no people judging her, annoying her and telling her to get to the point. "Did something happen?" Andrew asked carefully, wanting to get behind the cause of her discomfort.

"I was- teaching and- when I was an intern I always needed clearly explained instructions because I sometimes misunderstood tasks but- every time I try to explain things to the interns I- I overexplain things because I want to make sure that what I said has been understood since people always told me that I don't explain things particularly well but now that I explain things more detailed people get annoyed too and tell me to get to the point. I just- can't do anything right and that makes me angry I guess. And it makes me feel so lonely."

"But I'm here, you're not alone." He said confused, reassuring her that she wasn't alone. "Being lonely means something else for me. I feel lonely when I realize once again how different I am and how I function differently. I could be feeling lonely in a room full of people. Actually the more people I am around the lonelier I feel because I notice the differences even more. This world isn't made for people like me." She gave back tiredly.

By hearing about all of this his heart broke a little for her. He didn't know how life was for neurodivergent people since he was neurotypical. But it seemed as if people forget that not everyone's brain worked the same. And that they make her feel as if she couldn't do anything right or as if she had no place in this world was just not fair to her. "I'm sorry, I had no idea about this." He replied, pressing another kiss into her hair. "Can we just stay like this for a few more minutes?" Meredith asked, slowly relaxing again as she felt Andrew's warm body around hers, providing her safety. "Of course." Andrew whispered, pulling her even closer to make sure she would feel safe with him.