Trapped in my head

Chapter 71

The next morning Andrew woke up first once again. Honestly, he hadn't gotten much sleep last night after what had happened the previous day. The images of her crying, hitting him and screaming at him kept creeping back up into his mind, leaving him restless. He felt terrible, knowing that he had been responsible for her pain, knowing that he had caused her so much anxiety.

Turning around a little he saw that she was still fast asleep, her hand holding onto the hem of his shirt, tightly grabbing it in a fist. He smiled slightly as he gently moved her arm up a little so that he could have a better look at her. He didn't know how to make it up to her. How to help her through all of those emotions. How to get her to trust him again. But he knew that he would do everything possible to get her to trust him again and to help her recover from the trauma that the past few days had given her.

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Another two hours passed until Meredith slowly started to wake up. It was obvious that she was still exhausted as she couldn't hold her eyes open longer than for a few seconds. "Hey." Andrew said carefully, not wanting to startle her. She didn't reply, clearly still half asleep so that he decided to give her some more time to wake up.

A few minutes later Meredith then opened her eyes, looking at him directly for a few seconds before looking down. "Hey Mer." He said softly, stroking her cheek. "Did you sleep well?" he asked, wanting to know whether she had had any more nightmares. She nodded slowly, making sigh in relief.

"Are- are we still a couple?" she then asked shakily all of the sudden. "Of course we are still a couple. Why would you think that we weren't?" he asked confused, raising his brows. She shrugged, still not wanting to look at him. "I love you so much Meredith. I don't want to leave you ever. I can't leave you. Do you understand that? Please never doubt how much I love you and how much I want to be with you. Okay?" he asked, waiting for her to finally meet his gaze.

She just nodded and he somehow doubted that she meant that. If she would really understand that he would never leave her then she wouldn't keep asking him that every time something happens. She didn't trust him. And he needed her to trust him. "How can I help you to trust me more Mer?" he then asked after thinking for a few minutes. He knew that she did trust him. But only to a certain level. She was able to talk about her feelings to him but only as long as those feelings weren't her feelings towards him. And he needed her to understand that she could also talk about those emotions with him, no matter how intense they might be.

He saw how she was thinking about his question by how her eyes moved around. Those beautiful eyes that still didn't want to meet his. "I just- I don't know if I can tell you everything I think. Because I don't know if my- thoughts might- hurt you." She explained slowly, still trying to organise her thoughts as she spoke. "But I love you. And I don't want to hurt you." She added, rubbing her eyes. It was obvious that she was already getting anxious and stressed by having this conversation and he hated that he was once again pushing her.

Without saying anything he gently pulled her closer to him, wanting her to rest a little more. He had to stop making her talk about things like this when she wasn't feeling well. "I love you too." He just said, rubbing her back as she cuddled herself into his chest.

They continued to lay in bed for a few more hours. Meredith didn't seem to be bothered at all by the fact that she hadn't had breakfast on time or that she had skipped hair wash day yesterday. And that concerned him because it showed him how- traumatized she was. Apparently she wasn't even feeling the need to stick to her routine. "Are you hungry?" he asked carefully, not knowing whether she was asleep or not. "No food." She said quietly, just the thought of having to taste or smell something making her uncomfortable and overwhelming her in a way she couldn't bare right now.

"How can I help you Meri?" he asked helplessly, wanting her to feel better, to smile again. But instead of replying she just scooted even closer, trying to be as close to him as possible. "What day is it today?" she asked confused. "It's Friday." He replied, not sure what was this about. "Can we go climbing?" she then asked, her voice muffled into his shirt. "You want me to go climbing with you?" he asked a little surprised. Meredith pulled away a little, nodding. "Well, okay, sure." He replied, chuckling as he saw her smile small.

"But I have never been climbing before I'm not sure if I can even do that." He said as she sat up, very enthusiastically all of the sudden. "That's okay. We'll go to the open hall where you don't need a security-partner." She said, searching through her closet for her shorts. He smiled. Even if he had never been climbing and that experience would probably be very embarrassing for him he would do everything to make Meredith smile. And if that was what she needed to feel better right now then he was all in.

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Later that day they were both pretty exhausting. Although Andrew had been mostly watching instead of actually climbing himself the few things he had tried had still been kind of challenging. Meredith had gone all out, getting all of her emotions out by literally climbing every single wall, no matter how hard they were. He had no idea where this energy had suddenly come from but it had been kind of- healing to watch her turn her feelings into this kind of energy.

Right now they were cuddled up on the couch after just having taken a shower as they were waiting for their food to arrive, now that Meredith had finally given in and aggred to eat something. Neither of them had wanted to cook though. And even though Meredith had been happy and enthusiastic at the climbing hall, she was now once again feeling empty and just stared off into space, not talking nor moving a lot. "Do you know what you're going to do with your two weeks off?" he asked curiously, gently rubbing her back.

"No." she replied shortly. "Sleep a lot I guess." She said, making him chuckle. "But- I'm thinking about- maybe going to the clinic. Just for a few weeks. Because the nightmares will return and- I don't want to go through all of this again. Dr. Wyatt was able to help me the last time and I'm sure that- it would help now too. Two or three weeks intense therapy and- other stuff they do there and then- everything's back to normal."

Andrew stayed silent, not really sure how to reply. Of course he supported her with that decision but he also didn't want to rush her with making a decision. He himself though that it might help her too. All of the sudden she sat up and turned around so that she was sitting on his lap, her legs around his waist. And then she looked at him, for a really long time before leaning forward and cuddling into his chest. For some reason, being able to look her in the eyes for that long had made him tear up. "I love you so much Mer. I just want you to be okay." He whispered, kissing the top of her head. "I love you too. And I'm going to marry you one day." She mumbled, getting sleepy.

What? What did she just say?

Sorry for that boring chapter =) but you gotta build a bridge before there's more drama right?