Trapped in my head

Chapter 48

Later on, that day Meredith woke up in her office, cuddled into the heavy blanket she always kept at work for bad days like this one. The couch wasn't exactly comfortable but it was alright. She was tired. She was exhausted actually, even though she had just slept for three hours. She needed to talk to Bailey. She needed to ask- no she needed to tell her that she would take a break from being a surgeon for a while. But this conversation would take a lot of energy and she didn't have that level of energy yet.

Bailey wouldn't be okay with it. She had hired her to be a surgeon, to be the head of the general surgery department. She probably also had to take a step back from that position. Bailey would have to make someone else head of general for a while or- maybe even permanently.

She would talk to Dr. Wyatt first. Dr. Wyatt always managed to help her to understand her feelings and right now she was more confused then ever. She knew that she was supposed to feel sad about not being head of general anymore because this job had been an amazing opportunity to become chief of surgery at some point so- she knew that she should feel sad about losing that job. But did she? Because she knew that giving up this job would help her health. She would get better again if she would take some time to recover.

Pulling out her phone she texted Dr. Wyatt, asking whether the therapist had time right now. She needed to sort this out right now. She couldn't wait until her next therapy session. And only a few seconds later Dr. Wyatt had already replied.

My next appointment is in twenty minutes, you can have fifteen of them if you come right now.

Meredith quickly got up, sorted out her hair a little and left her office, hurrying over to the elevators. As she reached Dr. Wyatt's office she knocked shyly, before opening the door. "Meredith, it's good to see you, what's going on?" the woman behind the desk asked concerned, gesturing Meredith to sit down on the couch. Meredith slowly walked over to the orange couch and sat down.

"Uhm- there was a surgery this morning it was really chaotic and it made me think about something." Meredith started. She loved how openly she could talk to her therapist. "I heard about the surgery; the interns couldn't stop talking about it at lunch." Dr. Wyatt said sitting down in her usual spot opposite Meredith.

"I- told you about how- I feel after surgeries before right?" Meredith asked, moving her gaze over to the fish tank, looking for her favourite little fish. "Yes, you told me that you feel overwhelmed, as if you are pushed into a different world."

"Yes. And- I think that I want to take a break from being a surgeon. I- I want to recover. Because I think that I can't keep going like this anymore. I'm really not feeling well." Meredith said, starting to scratch her fingers again. "Wow, okay." Dr. Wyatt replied a little surprised. "I think it would help me if I wouldn't have to go through all those emotions every single day after every single surgery. I want to tell Bailey that I'll be doing research only for a while. Maybe a month to start. But- I guess that she'll fire me as head of general surgery and give the job to someone else and I'm not really sure what to think about that."

"Well, imagine that after your time off you're feeling better again and you want to start working as a surgeon again. Would you be okay to work under someone else as a general surgeon? With a new boss?" Dr. Wyatt asked, observing Meredith.

"I don't know. I think- it would be weird in the beginning. But- I think it's a lot more important whether I am- doing better when I start working again. I'm a good surgeon, no matter in what position. Today only showed me that even as head of general people don't support me and my decisions. So, I guess it wouldn't make much difference except that I would be feeling a lot better hopefully." Meredith rambled, still focused on the fish.

"That sounds very responsible of you." Dr. Wyatt smiled. "I'm just scared to talk to Bailey." Meredith added. "Because of what happened this morning?"

"Mhm." Meredith nodded. "She didn't believe in me. She was about to let that girl die. I didn't do what she told me to, what if she fires me? Would that change anything? I mean sure it would change a lot because I would have to look for another job, change my routine and- and maybe I would have to move and lose all my friends and Andrew I- I need my job I can't lose it. Every single part of my life is here I can't survive anywhere else. I can't tell Bailey that I'm taking a break I'll lose my job and never get it back again." Meredith suddenly started to ramble, talking faster with every word she said, her breathing getting quicker and quicker as well as she hyperventilated.

"Meredith. Take a few deep breaths. You will not lose your job I can ensure you that." Dr. Wyatt said, trying to get Meredith to calm down. "What- h-how?" Meredith asked confused, looking at her therapist for a few seconds. "Meredith. I am one hundred percent sure that Bailey feels guilty about what happened this morning. She almost let a little girl die because she didn't believe in one of her best surgeons. She betrayed you and she feels guilty about that for sure. She could never fire you."

Meredith stayed silence. Did that make sense? It probably did. Dr. Bailey betrayed her and had been wrong. She must be feeling guilty. "So, you think I should ask her?"

"Yes. You should."

Leave suggestions for Mer's break please =)