Fluffy WangXian Oneshots

The Robbed That Smiles

"The robbed that smiles, steals something from the thief."
William Shakespeare

Lan Zhan looks at the tall fence in his way.

He does not like it, simply because it is stopping him from doing what he wants to. Uncle will be so upset with him, but he doesn't care. He has turned to a life of crime now, and he has no regrets.

XiChen might not approve too…but Lan Zhan is on a mission.

The fence turns out to be a little trickier than he counted on, but it's fine! He picks himself up from the ground, and his surprise, and dusts them off. He has now reached the back of the house.

Everything is dark. No lights are shining inside to give him away.

Luckily, the kitchen window is slightly ajar and Lan Zhan thinks it's an excellent idea to climb on the ledge and hoist himself up. However, there's a slight problem…

He's not a small man by any means, and he has managed to get himself stuck!

Most of his torso is inside and he just has to wriggle a bit, this way and that, but oh no! He's overestimated the exertion needed and applied too much. He knows he's made a huge mistake when he falls into the sink.

There's a lot of noise.

Someone left plates to dry on the side, and one of them is stuck up somewhere, where plates should never go…

As he scrambles up with as much dignity he can muster, he sees that someone has switched on the lights in the hallway.

That's even worse! He's about to get rumbled.

So he quickly hides behind the breakfast bar. There's a pillar supporting it, and Lan Zhan thinks it's the perfect place to hide; after all, he's still got to rob someone.

There are cautious steps quietly creeping down the stairs.

It's okay, he's perfectly hidden, and his mission is still on track.

*********

Wei Ying was spending a quiet night at home. It involved a lot of pampering, so after a nice long bath, a mug of hot chocolate resplendent with marshmallows, he started a novel in bed.

But it wasn't too long before his eyes started to droop and he decided that lying flat was a way better idea. One trip to the bathroom later, and he was ready to fall asleep. He was knocked out as soon as his head hit the pillow.

But he shot up in bed, woken by lots of banging and crashing noises downstairs.

A burglar!

He grabbed the baseball bat in the corner, just for such emergencies and reached for lots of courage. He was all alone in the house and hiding in the bathroom wasn't going to help.

He crept downstairs after switching on the lights.

Whoever it was, they were shuffling quickly away. But all the noise stopped as soon as Wei Ying entered the kitchen. There was a man standing as straight as he could, on the other side of the pillar supporting the breakfast bar…and was he actually trying to hide?

Wei Ying put the bat down and came towards him.

"Lan Zhan…what are you doing?" He asks, puzzled.

"I am robbing." He says, sounding terribly serious.

Wei Ying stifles a smile.

"I see…whatever shall I do?" He fake gasps.

Lan Zhan smiles as if this is monumental.

"But…what is it that you wish to steal?" Wei Ying asks, because the slim pillar is really a ridiculous place to hide a fully grown adult, and Lan Zhan is completely plastered.

"Wei Ying’s heart." Lan Zhan says, meaning it.

"Oh…Sweetheart!" Wei Ying hugs him close. "You stole that ages ago. And besides, you can't steal something that's already yours."

Lan Zhan is visibly confused.

"But I want to marry Wei Ying….and I need his heart." He insists.

This is not going according to plan, at all.

"Um…is that why you're carrying two rubber chickens?" Wei Ying asks, smiling fot real now.

"Mn, wedding proposal." He thrusts the chickens towards Wei Ying, and they make an awful sound as he accidentally squeezes them.

"Lan Zhan…my love…we're already married." Wei Ying tries to say, with chickens in his face.

"So you won't marry me? You're already married?" He looks heartbroken. The small pout turns into full on crying.

"Lan Zhan? Lan Zhan! Right, I'm recording this because there's no way you're going to believe me tomorrow! And XiChen-Ge is going to get a few choice words too! Wasn't he supposed to be looking after you?" Wei Ying pulls Lan Zhan by his arm, but he's not moving.

"Lan Zhan! Come on!" Wei Ying tries and fails to shift him.

"Where is Wei Ying taking me?" He's refusing to budge.

"To bed, come on! You need to sleep this off."

"I cannot!" Lan Zhan announces. "I may be a robber but I can't sleep with a married man." He even sticks his chest out.

"If XiChen-Ge thinks he can get away with just buying us dinner this time, he's got another thing coming." Wei Ying grumbles. And then he's hit with inspiration as he's filming this.

"So let me get this straight, you want to marry me?" He asks.

Lan Zhan shifts from one foot to the other, looking down and nodding. "But Wei Ying is already married."

"To you, Fuddy Duddy." Wei Ying murmurs, exasperated. "Okay, how about this? What if I promise you to marry you? Then will you come upstairs?"

This somehow makes sense to him, because the pout turns into a cautious smile.

"I can have Wei Ying?" He asks hopefully.

"Yes, silly. I'm yours!" And Wei Ying lets out a yelp, because Lan Zhan likes his answer too much, so he's got Wei Ying in a fireman's hold, thrown over his shoulder.

And now, in spite of Wei Ying's protests (and he's still filming), Lan Zhan is climbing the stairs.

He throws Wei Ying on their bed, and collapses on top of him.

And passes out.

Wei Ying can't move.

There's a two hundred pound man pinning him to the mattress, and it's way less fun than it sounds…

**********

The next morning, Lan Zhan is very apologetic.

Wei Ying checks his phone and sees a notification of a text from XiChen-Ge, telling him Lan Zhan was outside, and it must have pinged during his bathroom break.

Wei Ying sends him the video as payback on both the Lan brothers.

They're just finishing breakfast, when Lan Zhan says, "so…when are we getting married again?"

THE END

A/N

Dear Lovely readers,

Just a quick fun one, because yesterday's story was a bit sad.

I probably won't be able to write until I get back from Singapore, so this is a parting gift.

See you guys later!

Charlie