Team Catradora

42 -Missing

They had been in the car for awhile. The nearest pop station played familiar songs, but their words were all jumbled. Adora tapped the doorframe, nails against cold leather.

Beside her, Catra had her eyes on the road. Every so often they would spark conversation, about the weather, or something. It was like what she just said evaporated. But still, Adora could see where the puddle had been, even if it had turned into smoke, or clouds, or whatever it was puddles turned into when they evaporated. 

Okay, maybe the metaphor was dumb. But that didn't change the truth. 

She leaned back against the headrest and sighed. 

This was so surreal. In the time Adora had spent with Angella and Glimmer, Catra had been hurt and abused so much. No wonder Catra was so difficult at times. When she trusted her mom again, only for it to bite her in the face. Anyone would have a hard time opening up, after that. 

Adora cleared her throat. "I think you need therapy."

Catra scoffed. "This again?"

"You said you'd think about it."

"I did," Catra said. "And talking about being a runaway might make a therapist contact my mom."

"No..." Adora shook her head. "There's a patient confidentiality rule. And as long as you're 18, they don't have the right to report things like that."

"How do you know that?"

"Because...I looked it up." Adora shrugged. "I'm a little nervous telling Doctor Strong my fears too, and so I googled it awhile ago."

"And have you told them anything about your panic attacks?"

Instinctively, Adora shook her head. "Uh, I mean...soon, I'll do it soon."

Catra's muscles tightened. "That's so hypocritical. How do you know therapy can help if you're not letting your own therapist in?"

"I'm trying-I'm trying to fix the whole competitive thing-"

"But you don't want to talk about what's really bothering you," Catra said. "I know it's because of your parents you're upset. Not because you play too much laser tag."

"Hey, I told Glimmer about them."

"And I told you, too. It's different than talking to a therapist." The car turned abruptly, as they were nearing Adora's neighborhood. "I'm not ready to do that yet."

"Why?"

"Because!" She sighed. "If I tell them what happened, they might look her up, and if they look her up, they'll take her side. That's what happens. She's more believable than I am. And then, if they don't tell her where I am, they'll encourage me to. And maybe..." She sighed. "It doesn't matter."

"Oh." Adora would have hugged her, if her hands weren't on the wheel. Instead, she held her own hands, willing some warmth into them. "Pushing your issues under the rug isn't helping you, Catra. It's making you miserable. You're going to have to confront it someday."

"But that doesn't have to be now." She gripped the steering wheel, knuckles paling. "If I tell them, then it's real. There's no going back." She shook her head. "You promised. Don't google me. I don't want you to see her side."

"I'd never pick her over you!"

"But it feels that way," she said. "It just does, whenever I tell anyone about it."

"Okay..." Adora frowned. "But Scorpia never told, and she knows everything. Neither did her moms. I won't either. I could never pick her over you."

"Sure."

...

Something about her words struck Adora. She spent the next little while mulling over them, till finally, she was at her next appointment with Dr. Strong. She took the seat nearest, and before they could even bring up her competitive nature, she said, "I miss my moms."

"Oh, Adora." They shoved their notebook under their arms. "What do you miss about them?"

She was surprised to hear their matter of fact voice dissolve-she had always seen them as so objective. She'd say a problem she'd have, then they'd figure out a way to fix it. But now, there was something parental in their voice, and it made Adora's throat tighten. "I don't...know."

"Oh?"

"It's been awhile, so I don't remember most of the details, but..." She couldn't help it; tears ran down her cheeks. "I miss them so much. I just...I wish I could miss them less. And I thought, maybe if I got my Grandma back, I could figure out who they were, because the older I get, the less I remember."

"But the love you feel for them never fades, does it?"

Adora nodded. "But who were they?"

"Who were they to you?" They countered. "For now, you have to remember them as they were-"

"But I barely do!" She rubbed her forehead. "I should remember more, but I don't. Everything's so vague, and hard to think about."

"How so?"

"I don't know." She sighed. "I never used to think about these things before Glimmer went missing that night. My past was just that: my past. But then she reminded me of what it felt like to be a kid and to lose them, and suddenly I couldn't push the pain away. I want to remember them better, even though I never used to give them thought."

"Did they ever hurt you?"

"No." She swallowed. "That I know for sure. It's just...remembering the good parts are hard, because I know how things ended. And then my mind started reeling cause If I hadn't needed something from the store, they wouldn't have gone out, and they would be alive."

"I can see why you'd think that way," they said. "But you're only human. You couldn't have known the outcome of their decision-because they decided to go out. They chose to, actually."

"That doesn't make me feel better" Adora frowned. "One change could have saved their lives. It's all my fault, all of it."