Don't let go: Joel Miller x OC

Admissions of guilt

It was as if his brain had disintegrated leaving behind nothing but mindless dust. Why the fuck did he just do that? There was no excuse this time other than his semi-subconscious desire to devour the poor young woman. The shame and guilt came crashing over him like a tsunami, not even the sensory pleasure of her soft lips on his could stop him from ripping away. Too close, way too fucking close! He couldn't think on what to say and didn't know how to even look at her, knowing that she'd want an explanation of some sorts.

He'd already talked himself out of the age concern, he did that long ago upon finding himself with a sultry image of her in his mind whilst letting off some steam one night. Sarah was twelve, would always be twelve... they were categorically not the same age! Ava was a grown, consenting beautiful woman in her thirties, not a teenager and definitely not his daughter. It really wasn't about that anymore.

Now his guilt only stemmed back to Tess and what she must be thinking of him. How she'd react if she saw him all giddy and damn right stupid over a woman that was not only young enough to be his goddamn daughter but one he had only just met. Even though he was fully aware that she was gone, he couldn't help but think that she'd be looking down on him with disgust at how quickly he was able to move on from her, how easily swayed he had been by something so pretty and... willing?

It was a thought that helped him cope through her loss to start with. That she was watching him from above as he fulfilled her dying wish, just as she asked... well, almost. Now, since the events that had happened at the hospital and after, the thought of her otherworldly presence now haunted him. That he'd let her down, that he failed her once more.

He knew that Tess had loved him almost unconditionally for many years, sticking like glue at his side through the thick and thin and loving him despite all of the terribly unsavoury crimes that he had committed. He felt something back... he'd call it love for now to make him feel remotely better about the way he treated her for the best part of twenty years... but the issue was that he was too damn broken and closed off to let it show even though that was all she wanted from him, for him to show that he loved her back...

He knew that if Tess was still alive and was here in Jackson with him today, it would all be different. That they'd be sharing this home together, Ellie being the kid they shared in the absence of any of their own. That he'd be able to give her the relationship that she so desperately wanted from him- the connection he also wanted deep down, the one he starved himself of. Jackson was safe, it wasn't just about survival anymore. He could now focus on his wants...It was Ellie had changed him enough to make him realise this. That life was too short and the world was too shitty to deprive himself of any slither of happiness. This was where the guilt stemmed from... he could have been happy long ago if he had just given himself over to Tess in full...

There was no denying that he found Ava almost unbearably attractive but the haunting thoughts of Tess's ghostly presence watching over his shoulder just prevented him from acting upon anything he felt towards her.

His thoughts abruptly disrupted by Ava snatching her belongings off of the coffee table and swiftly heading towards the door without so much as looking back.

Fucking great. More guilt. More shame. He liked her, perhaps more than he wanted to admit to himself. He indicated that the first time he kissed her meant nothing, just a drunken mistake and that they would only just be friends. Well, he'd ruined that now... he'd ruined that nights ago when her body was the one he pictured as he pleasured himself in the damn shower. He could see it so clearly now... at no point were they ever going to be 'just friends'. He found himself in quite the predicament.

He swallowed thickly and let out a deep sigh before going after the blonde.

"Wait!" He called out as he shut the front door behind him.