Don't let go: Joel Miller x OC

Every Step

Thinking straight was an impossible task. His fretful mind a haze of panic, trepidation and misdirected anger. Who was he even upset at? Her? Himself... He wasn't even sure at this point. So many thoughts and emotions coursing violently through his body, none of them being positive at this particular point. Close to doubling over from the sudden and rather aggressive bout of fear, he needed to hide himself away and figure out what the fuck he was meant do. He should have said that he'd have dinner at hers, at least then he could have escaped and hidden away in the comfort of his own home, bolting his bedroom door shut with a bottle of cheap whiskey in hand but no, he couldn't do that. Not whilst she was stood, telling him this bullshit in his goddamn living room. The next best place was the Bison. At least there he could freely drown himself in alcohol and pretend that this...this problem didn't exist for a period of time and so that's where he went.

He grabbed himself a clean tumbler from the counter along with the whole bottle of bourbon before slumping down into a stall on a small table in the corner of the room. After all, he felt like he was going to need a lot more than just a glass to help process this huge life change he'd just been informed about. He poured his first glass, tilted his head back and downed it in one before pouring another straight of the bat. It all felt thick and heavy in his chest before settling uncomfortably within his stomach, the alcohol just not going down well enough for him to forget. Unsure if the nausea he suddenly felt was a result of that or the fact that he had inadvertently created another life in this complete shit show of a world... That was the true bullshit in all of this; having to bring a kid up in an environment like this. It didn't seem fair.

He let out a heavily burdened huff as he rubbed a limp palm down his washed out face, the tension in his jaw causing his teeth to ache. The entire situation being a complete and utter nightmare. He didn't want any more kids. He didn't want anyone so vulnerable having to rely on him. That was a firm decision made as he held his Sarah's lifeless and bloodied body within his arms over twenty years ago. Never again, he wouldn't survive it, if it were to happen again...and yet he got her fucking pregnant. How the fuck did he let this happen... well, he knew how. He couldn't be a father again, not now...How could he? Not at his age and not with this relationship still being so new in the grand scheme of things. Shit, what must Tess be thinking up there? Over seventeen years of partnership with nothing to show for it and yet within a year of her death he had met, fallen and impregnated another woman. And what about his little Sarah? This felt awfully as if  he was replacing her. Accepting Ellie was one thing but he told himself that he was doing a good deed since she had nobody else but this kid, this kid would biologically be his. Fuck, he was replacing his dead daughter with another child... Then there was the fact that he was fucking fifty, he felt too old to be starting a whole new family... Would he be able to keep up with a child? Could he manage the sleepless nights? Would Ava be there or would she just dump this child on him just like Louise did with Sarah? Could he do it alone all over again? It was tough back then but now? Would he even live long enough to see this child into adulthood? What if he couldn't keep this child safe and it ended up having the same fate as Sarah due to his incompetency as a father?

So many goddamn negative thoughts wracked through his frantic mind. Why did he have to be so reckless? He should have been more careful. All he had to do was fucking pull out but no, he had to get carried away... every fucking time because she felt like a small dose of heaven on this hellish godforsaken planet. She was meant to have been infertile, that's what she told him. Had this been a lie? Did she do this purposefully to try and trap him? He'd heard of women doing this before... Women so desperate to feel loved that they'd go to any lengths...But if that was the case, why was she so hesitant to tell him? Was it guilt?

Joel took in a deep breath as he swirled the golden, alcoholic liquid around his glass. He couldn't stomach drinking it, slamming the tumbler back down onto the table whilst pinching the bridge of his nose, his elbows rested on the surface.