Don't let go: Joel Miller x OC

One more lie...

He didn't think he had managed to fall asleep but as his lids flickered open at the disturbance of the butt of Tommy's rifle being prodded into his shoulder, he realised that he must have drifted off at some point. His cheek rested flat against the top of Ava's head, his arms engulfing her small frame as if he was clinging onto her for dear life. The sudden remembrance of the plan he had begun to formulate intensifying back into his mind. How in the hell was he supposed to leave?

His head lifted up to Tommy who stood waiting for some sort of acknowledgment, for Joel to take over the role of keeping watch for the next few hours. He nodded silently before glancing back down to his wife, placing a soft kiss to the top of her head. His perfect girl....

Slowly, he manoeuvred his arms away from her and gently shifted her body so that her weight was supported by the cold surface of the boulder behind them instead of by him. His movements careful and light, doing everything in his power to not wake her, to keep her looking this peaceful for as long as physically possible.

He left her there, still immersed in sleep after tucking the blanket around her before beginning to pace around the perimeter line of their make shift camp.

Usually he was fine with keeping watch and allowing the others to rest but this morning- this morning he wished he was still unconscious, where he wouldn't be left alone with his thoughts, where his internal battles were subsided and where his Ava was still tucked close to his heart...

He chanced a glance over to the sleeping blonde as he completed his circuit, a troubled sigh expelling itself from his lungs. He couldn't keep her or Lily safe... It was him actively putting them both in harms way... He loved them so goddamn much that at times, it felt as if his heart was so full that it would combust in his chest but love wouldn't protect them. He couldn't think of an alternative. What was the saying? If you love something, you have to let it go? He had to let them go...

The hours alone on watch had him mulling various scenarios over in his mind. He thought about telling her but he wasn't sure his heart could cope with her tear stricken face being the last vision of her that he would see... No, he couldn't tell her. She'd only come after him and put herself in more danger... He also had to make sure that Lily was home safe...

His mind raced for all of the hours, perhaps distracting him from the task at hand. Eventually he settled on his plan going forward, breaking his own heart in the process.

He'd continue on with his mission. Pretend that everything would be fine, keeping Ava's hand safely in his own and cherishing each and every second he could have with her up until that dreaded point. He'd find Lily and bring them both home. He'd make sure that they were settled. He'd make sure that his little baby girl knew how much her Daddy loved her, tucking her into bed and reading her a story for the last time. He'd make love to Ava one final time, being attentive to every inch of her. Kissing each one of those perfect stretch marks that now lined her stomach, tasting her bittersweet essence, drowning in the beautiful little noises she makes. Etching each precious curve of her body, each warming touch and each wonderful sound from her lips perfectly into his memory. He'd cradle her in his arms all night, forever telling her how beautiful she is, how much he loved her, how she'd always be his... Then mornings first light would trickle through the cracks of their thin curtains and he would kiss her goodbye for the very last time... Early morning patrol is what he'd tell her and then he simply wouldn't return...

His brows pinched as he swallowed his emotions. He couldn't leave her with no closure though...he couldn't risk her coming out to find him. His eyes trailed over to where Tommy was now passed out next to the smoking embers of the campfire. He swore he'd ask no more favours from his little brother but just one more... To break the news to his wife that he had been killed... Murdered by raiders, bitten by infected- he couldn't give a fuck on what bullshit Tommy would spill from his lips for as long as it would be the final sentence in their chapter... Would be easier if he would just die but the universe seemed hell-bent on keeping him alive...