Don't let go: Joel Miller x OC

A Fire Within the Eyes

Push, pull, push, pull. Pushing and pulling. That's all it was for the days after. Wanting to keep her as close as possible but terrified that holding her so close would prevent him from being able to leave- a terribly selfish thought. To keep her at arms length but occasionally give in to the desire to keep her stored in his heart.

That's how it went. In the daylight he was cold and distant. His mind darkly clouded with heavy burden, his brows seemingly forever locked together leaving deep lines engrained. The old Joel as Tommy would put it. The Joel that was numb and violent, troubled and icy. The hardened mask occasionally lifting for fleeting moments as Ellie would ride up alongside to converse. The need to take what ever she was willing to give superseding the weak want to pull away and detach.

It was a stark contrast to the man he would become after the sun settled down behind the horizon, casting a sea of twilight dimly amongst them. Pulling on all the love he could steal from his wife. His poor, poor Ava. Nights spent pulled against his chest, as close to his heart as he could get her. The need to hold her, desperate to soak in every last second of her precious intimacy and memory. Take, take, take. Sweet nothings shared along side soft little kisses, the type that would leave him wanting more but restraining and gentle back rubs until one of them would eventually doze off. His body enclosed around her so tightly, his possession to protect as if someone would take her from him during the night if he dared to let her go. To take her before he was ready to let go... Would he truly ever be ready to let her go, to let them go?

Ava could see the conflicted darkness in his eyes. It appeared to plague him. It was always there present in his ebony pupils, whether it was daytime and he was being unfeeling and withdrawn or during the nights when a softer, needier version would emerge. Both always so full of solemn internal conflict.

She would always accept Joel for the complex yet beautiful being he was, the man she had come to love so very deeply. Not always necessarily understanding why he acted in the ways he would, this occasion included. Each time she would receive his harsh words and hardened mask, she'd trust that it came from a place of love. Oh to visit his convoluted mind and see what happens inside that pretty head of his, to understand the dark thoughts that would hover over him like a stormy sky...

There were times where he would completely retract into himself, entire body taut and a deep set fear buried into his weary soul. These times he would fall behind, his horse slowing to trail at the back, allowing Tess and Tommy to head up the front. Completely unable to lead. It was these times where Ava would fall to his side, riding so closely next to him that her pinky would reassuringly scrape over his jean clad thigh. Melancholy almond eyes, all glassy and filled with concern looking up at him as she would ask if he was doing okay. Those goddamn beautiful, gorgeous eyes. He couldn't bare to look into them without the sight nauseating him to the core. A forced smile with a chanced glance as the tenderly strained words would drop from his tongue, "I'm fine, darlin'."

She'd never understand if she knew the truth...

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"I can't believe that we're still in Idaho, man. It's been days..." Ellie exclaimed as she trotted up between Tommy and Joel, slotting her self in between them so naturally.

Joel grumbled as he carefully took in his surroundings. It had been five days... five days just travelling through Idaho. It was astonishing just how big the world really was when planes, trains, cars and whatever else were eliminated from the equation. The trip from Boston to Wyoming had already displayed just that... but it never failed to impress him. "Should reach the Oregon border tomorrow..."

"Then where? Like, I know Seattle but what route?" The almost adult queried. Even after spending the past five years growing into herself, she still remained to be an inquisitive soul. Never one to just sit back and follow orders, always needing to know every fine detail of the plan. Another part of himself that he saw in her. She might not be his biologically but the similarities in their ways of thinking and personality were uncanny. She was his in that sense, a piece of him that had rubbed off onto her over the years, sculpting her into the adult she was flourishing into.