This Day | Gyuhao (Threequel to Youth & The Aged)

- 50

| Chapter Fifty — </3 |

Jungwon feels dead.

His eyes are droopy and his skin is a little too pale.

It's like the exhaustion, utter devastation and guilt have finally caught up to his physical appearance.

He feels gross even though he's just showered. He feels sick all over, and his head pounds every time he blinks.

He stares blankly at the wall, completely ignoring Jay as he tries to talk to him, doesn't even feel the boy's hand creep up to take his own, only the numb pressure of Jay's fingers wrapping against his wrist.

"Wonie," Jungwon hears faintly, but he doesn't dare bat an eye.

He hates himself. He hates what he did, hates what he didn't do, hates that he let Umji get killed, and hates even more that he couldn't get to Minghao in time.

He hates everything.

He's dissociating, staring off into space as if he were talking to the wall.

Somebody else is in here now, having just made their way inside. It's Yuqi, but Jungwon feels way too high to care. He can see the little bit of sun reflect off her light hair when she tucks it behind her ear, hooking a mask on her face and leaning over the other side of the bed, mirroring a worried Jay.

Jungwon just stares, eyes emotionless, back against the headboard.

He hasn't cried yet. He doesn't want to. He doesn't think he deserves the relief of tears flowing freely.

"What do we do?" Jay's voice is like... foggy. Jungwon feels like his ears have been destroyed and it's weird. He can't hear shit, he thinks that maybe he's just drowning out every single thing possible, but he doesn't know.

Yuqi shakes her head, brows furrowing. She rests something on Jungwon's head, maybe her hand, Jungwon has no idea.

"He's burning up."

"What, why?"

"I don't know." Yuqi begins messing with his monitor, watching his reactions when she tightens the pressure on his arm with one push of a button. It's weird, he didn't even see her slip it on. He's completely gone.

"Is he okay?"

"Blood pressure's a little high. Hold on." Yuqi leans over.

Jungwon finally cracks, hissing when she presses the pads of her fingers underneath the back of his ear, flinching and slapping her hand away on instinct.

Yuqi's eyes widen, and she looks over at Jay. The man just shrugs, asking her what's wrong a second time.

Jungwon takes a deep breath, holding his hands to his ears.

"Hey, I need to check your ears, Won-ah," Yuqi says, sighing softly when Jungwon doesn't budge, palms cupping over his ears like he'd rather die than have somebody touch them, "Jungwon, please. I need to—"

"Hurts." Jungwon whispers, breath shaky, "Hurts when you talk."

Yuqi's eyes widen momentarily, and she looks at Jay in concern.

"Won-ah," Yuqi whispers this time, scooting closer, "Can you hear me?"

Jungwon blinks at her, "I don't know the time. Why are you asking me?"

"Time?" Yuqi repeats, "The time?"

"No," Jay shakes his head, squeezing Jungwon's
hand, the younger boy just looking at him weirdly, "No, wait, wait—" He turns to Yuqi, "What do we do? He won't lose his hearing, right? That wouldn't happen."

Yuqi swallows.

She doesn't know anything about this. She's only ever studied with hearts and brains. Call her basic, call her forgetful, but she really doesn't know what to do in the situation like this, "Um," She begins, "Fuck— The best I could do is check his—"

"Do it." Jay begs, "Do it, please."

"What's going on?" Jungwon asks, "You sound blurry."

"Blurry?"

Jungwon squints his eyes, zoning out on Jay's mouth like he's trying to figure out what the hell the boy's trying to say, "It's like..." Jungwon reaches a hand out, cupping Jay's chin, "It's like..." He trails off.

"Jungwon?" Jay takes ahold of his wrist, looking at him intently.

Jungwon tilts his head, heart bursting at the seams, "Am I deaf?" He blurts out, flicking at his ears, ignoring the pain, "Did my ears give out? Am I finally getting what I deserve?" The questions fly out of Jungwon's mouth before he can stop them, voice a little louder than normal and it's scary.

Jungwon laughs.

That laugh turns into a cough.

And then those coughs turn into a sob.

Jungwon scrunches up to remain small, legs to his chest as he leans over, hands holding his ears like he'd rather shut the world down than lose one of the most important functions a body could ever have.

He figures this is what he gets.

All that harm and fright he's caused, all the deaths he's been apart of, everything....

Jungwon hasn't said it, probably never in his life will admit it...

But he's sorry.

He's so sorry.

An idiot could tell that he was, and he knows that. He's partially glad though, given the fact that he'd rather additionally lose his sight this time around than cry and scream in front of everybody.

He just wishes he could build a time machine. He wishes he could go back to the Yang Jungwon a year ago and tell him that it isn't worth it, that even though Riki's gone, he shouldn't go off on his own and cause all this chaos, all this trouble that he can't fix.

This is what Jungwon gets.

A broken heart and ears that do him no good anymore.

"Won-ah, please calm down." Yuqi tries, but it just goes unnoticed.

Jungwon feels like the world is closing in on him. He hadn't been speaking with anybody much because of his constant headaches, but now he thinks that maybe he hasn't spoken because there wasn't anything to say.

Or maybe he didn't hear Jay anytime he tried to speak, maybe he just felt his touch and tried to do anything but give in.

Jungwon can't hear.

And as he stares at Jay in devastation, silent tears falling past his lashes as he watches the older call out for him, even leaning over to cradle his cheeks in an attempt to bring him back to Earth, that same horrific thought rings through his head again.

This is what he gets.

It just is.