Title: The Ballad of Time and Moon by MiaKurenai_2009
Source: ELGANZA, INC. | AWARDS by TheCieloCommunity
Category: Short Stories
Mature: N (blood, death, violence)
LGBTQIAP+: N
Status: Complete
Special note (judging): I had five books in this category, and the other judges (BANGTANHOLIC_FICS and Lunatic_Twilight) had five books each.
Result: 69/100
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*****
Rubric:
- Title: 5
- Book cover: 5
- Description (blurb): 5
- Plot & storytelling: 15
- Character development: 10
- Writing style: 10
- Grammar: 10
- Originality & creativity: 10
- Emotional impact: 10
- Pacing & structure: 5
- Accuracy (if non-fiction): 5
- Overall enjoyment & engagement: 10
Total: 100
*****
Total: 69/100
Title: 5/5
I love this title. I don't know why, but anything that starts with "A Ballad" or "The Ballad" immediately piques my interest.
Cover: 5/5
This cover is absolutely gorgeous. Props to ReynaBennett. It's dark and elegant, simple and complex, bold and mysterious. I love everything about it, from the frame to the text to the heart in the middle.
Blurb: 3/5
There are some phrasing issues throughout this blurb, but the content is good. The ending of the first line doesn't sit quite right with me: "wasn't her first thought." I'm not sure why. It technically works, but I feel like the rest of the sentence doesn't set it up well for this little phrase here. I can't figure out why, though, so I'm just going to leave it alone and move on. It may just be me.
In the next paragraph, the last part of the second sentence is a bit jumbled. If you just swap "only did not" to "not only," that fixes it. In the following paragraph, again in the second sentence, I believe it should be the noun "Awakening" instead of the verb "Awaking."
The next paragraph/sentence has some issues with punctuation. I'd cut the ellipsis, because it doesn't make sense to have it and not continue using it in the following phrases. An ellipsis typically ends something instead of starting it, anyway. I think ending with a period after "knight" would make sense, because the next phrase doesn't follow from the first part of the sentence. It's a new "From..." not a continuation, unless all these lives start with her being his mistress. If that's the case, some adjustments need to be made here, because that's not how it reads. Assuming that's not the case, I'd end with another period after "killed by him." In the next sentence, the hyphens shouldn't be there, and "had tried all ways" is another clunky phrase. You could condense it to "tried everything," which is much clearer. Then, there should be a comma after "alas."
The next paragraph/sentence is very awkward, and I think a large part of that is just the ordering of the content. Flipping it around and rewording would make it smoother. There's also a verb tense issue with "might," and "her heart lidded with pity" doesn't really make sense to me. Are you saying her heart feels heavy? I'm going with that for now, and if that's correct, this is a way you could modify this sentence: "Heavy-hearted and on the verge of her tenth death, Benzaiten approached her with a solution that could change everything."
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In My Opinion
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