| | Indefinite Hiatus | |
I hope to return to this project someday, but it isn't feasible with my current health issues and life circumstances. I have to cut things from my workload so I can breathe. However, I still intend to complete my current li...
Series: A Chaotic but Perfect World (book one) Source: Feedback request Genre: Mystery, thriller Subgenres: Action, fantasy, romance Mature: Y (blood, bullying, child abandonment, child abuse, dubious consent, gore, mental health issues, murder, politics, religion, semi-explicit sexual content, sexual assault, strong profanity, suicide, torture, trauma, violence, mention of abortion) LGBTQIAP+: Y (conversational topics, non-explicit sexual content, mentions of gay and transgender relationships) Status: Ongoing First impressions: 29/40 Digging deeper: 46/100 Final thoughts: pending
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First impressions: 29/40
Title: 10/10
This is an intriguing, mysterious title, perfect for a mystery.
Story description: 5/10
I think your information in this blurb is good. You introduce the main character, the plot conflict, and the setting, and there's a decent hook here to pull new readers into the story. The structuring could be better, though. Instead of having two blurbs (one for Serly, one for the case), I think you could merge them into one cohesive blurb. Otherwise, it kind of sounds like two blurbs for two different books. There are also grammatical errors throughout, which I'll go through as I come to them.
So, I think putting the section under "The case" first would make sense, because it transitions really well into the paragraph about Serly. Flipping the first sentence around a bit would improve the flow: "Most people who go into the Epping Forest never come back." I changed "every person" to "most people," because in the following sentence, you talk about people who have come back, which means I also modified the verbs to match the plural noun "people." I capitalized "Forest" because when a common noun like that is part of a title like "Epping," it usually gets capitalized, too.
Moving on to the next sentence, "managed to escape, or have said so," is kind of throwing me off. I think you mean some people claim to have escaped, but perhaps they didn't? Like they may be part of the problem and are trying to confuse information? I think simplifying that would maintain the mystery and reduce confusion. Also, merging the following sentence with a colon would make sense, because that's just a list of the magic used. So, here's one way you could do it: "Some people who claim to have escaped have seen the kidnappers using magic: portals, balls, passwords, clues, spells, and curses." I cut the second "magic," because that was unnecessary, and I changed "or" to "and," because these are all methods reported.
In the final sentence of that paragraph, I'd change "every survivor" to "the survivors." And this sentence introducing Team MBTI is the perfect segue into the paragraph about Serly.
