| | Indefinite Hiatus | |
I hope to return to this project someday, but it isn't feasible with my current health issues and life circumstances. I have to cut things from my workload so I can breathe. However, I still intend to complete my current li...
Source: Feedback request Genre: Fantasy Mature: N (PG level death and violence) Status: Complete LGBTQIAP+: N First impressions: 32/40 Digging deeper: 91/100 Final thoughts: Complete
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First impressions: 32/40
Title: 10/10
I love princess stories, and the concept of a runaway princess? Hm, so many options. Running from duty, running from tragedy, running to freedom—color me intrigued.
Story description: 7/10
Since the blurb preview has limited character space, I'd recommend moving the series information down. I'm also not a fan of excerpts from the story being in the blurb, especially being first in the blurb, and this particular sentence feels a little awkward to me, so I don't really feel like it's putting your best foot forward.
Addendum: And it's not an excerpt, so it feels strange to have it in the blurb at all.
So, I'd start the blurb with "Princess Sunny has had to..." That sentence has a similar issue with awkward phrasing, and I think that's because of all the prepositions. You could reword and condense a little to smooth it out: "Princess Sunny has to abandon her castle when an evil wizard takes over her kingdom." Then, I'd cut the question, because it's too early to ask questions. A potential reader doesn't know enough and isn't interested enough for you to hook them by planting questions in their mind, so it's better to leave questions until the end, after they know more. Also, this question seems redundant, because you just told us she left her home, so that's not even a question.
As for the next paragraph/sentence, I'd move that up to the first paragraph and make it the second sentence. There's a good flow between them. I'd also move the last paragraph/sentence up and make it the third sentence in this paragraph, but I'd tweak it slightly by changing "encounters" to "will encounter." I'm back and forth about the latter half of that sentence—the part with the question. The sentence doesn't feel right without the question, but having a separate question split from the main blurb into its own paragraph works really well to hook potential readers. Maybe you could add a new "Can she..." question after this paragraph, something that narrows the focus from her, her family, and the magical creatures down to just her and her capabilities. You could bring the blurb back to the first sentence by including the castle in that last question, too. Asking if she's capable of reclaiming her kingdom would be a great way to tie this all back to the initial conflict of her abandoning her home.
The quantity and quality of information here is perfect, though. You've introduced the protagonist, the antagonist, and the supporting cast, along with the plot conflict, all without giving too much away. The initial impression is of a children's fantasy that hits all the highlights: princess, evil wizard, magical creatures, and the battle between good and evil. This has the makings of a nice, straightforward story, with clear-cut right and wrong instead of the morally ambiguous gray found in many fantasy stories, and that can be very refreshing to read.
