In My Opinion

Crime and Punishment by Seong_Grace

Title: Crime and Punishment® by Seong_Grace
Source: ᴬʳᵗⁱˢᵗⁱᶜ ᴱˣᵖʳᵉˢˢⁱᵒⁿˢ ᴬʷᵃʳᵈˢ by janefanfics
Category: Vivid Imagery
Mature: Y (blood, murder, strong profanity, torture, violence)
LGBTQIAP+: N
Status: Ongoing
Special note (judging): I had five books from this category, and the other judge randomlygore, had five books
Score: 20/100

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*****

Rubric:
- Descriptive language (30): Use of rich, descriptive language that paints a clear and vivid picture in the reader's mind.
- Emotional impact (25): The imagery evokes strong emotions or reactions from the reader.
- Originality & creativity (25): Use of unique, creative imagery that stands out from common or cliché descriptions.
- Clarity & coherence (20): The imagery is clear, and the language is well-organized and easy to follow.
Total: 100

*****

Total score: 20/100

Descriptive language: 5/30
There are some details that you do well, little touches like the mountain of dirt beside the grave, the mud, the rain mixing and pooling with blood, the rat in the hideout, the general creepy atmosphere there. But there aren't a lot of other details. There's no description of what any character looks like, beyond a vague note that Y/n is beautiful and wearing a shirt and skirt. I can't picture the scenes. It's all really fuzzy, unclear shadows, and for Y/n, I only know she's in high school because of the flashback chapters. Prior to that, it says she's walking to (or from?) school, and with no further details about age, height, figure, hair color, eye color, outfit (school uniform? something else?), I just don't know.

And the same with the environment. Where is the first body? Inside? Outside? What does the area look like, beyond the bloody body on the ground/floor? How long did they drive after they loaded the body into their van? Where did they bury the body? Where is the new hideout? What does it look like from the outside? Beyond cobwebs, rats, and a bloodstained table, what does it look like on the inside?

There's a lot of room to add in detail with the crimes, too. Right in the prologue, they clean up the crime scene to eliminate evidence, and then they drag the bloody body to their van. That just spread more evidence around. It'd be better to clean up after they loaded the body into the van. What are their tools? What is the evidence they took when they fled after discovery? Did Jimin throw a rod at the truck driver, or shoot him? A bullet would hit him in the head, but a rod wouldn't, unless it was a convertible truck.

Action and movement are other areas for possible detail. There are some inconsistencies I'll go over in a following section, but you want to describe a character's actions like you're watching a movie and writing it down. The reader needs to see that movie, or something close to it, just from reading your story.

The close-up details like the ones I mentioned at first are important, but you need the broad brushstrokes, too, to get that overall picture. These will also help with scene transitions, which are very jumpy and stilted right now.

Emotional impact: 5/25
The prologue is the best for this. I get that sense of horror and shock. But then...it's really hard to get that emotional impact when I can't picture the scene. I'm a person who can get uncomfortable with dark themes, and I also have a weak stomach, so with a book of this type, a good goal for your descriptions would probably be to make me squirm and get nauseous. 😉