Sneaky Link

Sneaky Link (56)

I grabbed my pack of cigarettes and smacked it on the palm of my hand a couple times so the Tobacco would be packed nicely at the bottom. "Here". A guy whose name I couldn't bother to remember said I faced him and covered my own cigarette covering it so the wind would blow out the lighters flame.

"Here". I handed him his lighter back. The smoke filling my lungs. This tingling and relaxing feeling occupied my body. Left my mind feeling lost stress free and numb.

"Good brand". I don't want conversation so I walked back inside the house. Stepping on the not finished cigarette.

This time they played some more up beat songs. Maybe I came to this party on time. "Drink"? I nodded. Pushing my beanie further down my head. "Please". He pointed at the Pepsi and I shook my head. I wasn't speaking much these days. "I'm guessing Jack and coke". He poured two shots of the Jack and filled the rest of the cup with coke. "Thanks". He finished stirring the drink and handed it to me.

This was a lot stronger than I remember. I still sipped on it as I watched the people at the party. Couples. Loners, which now I guess included me. I looked around seeing if I could steal a hit or two off of someone's joint. My eyes landed on the sweet joint between a girls fingers. Calling my name. I smiled and walked towards her. I was a little more than buzzed.

"Hi". I smiled. Looking her directly in the eyes. "I'm Y/n". I extended my hand out. "Yeah we met a couple nights ago".

"Let me remember.", I quickly shut my eyes trying to remember. Yeah nothing. "I might have blacked out". I laughed. And she laughed. "Well I'm Stella". I guess she saw me looking a little too hard at the joint so she handed it to me. We sat on the carpet. "Stella. I'll try to remember that". I took a final hit and started getting up. "so you're just using me for my weed".

"Yeah in all honesty yeah".

"I like honesty". Her lips turned into a seductive smile. I looked away. Taking a sip of my drink. "I like honesty too". I sniffed. I felt it hit me then and there. But my tolerance has been higher now. "Anyways I'm gonna get going".

"What do you work right now too". Shit I remember that now. "No but. I'm kind of over this whole environment. I'd rather lay in bed". I finished my drink. "You didn't drive here right"? I shook my head. "I took an Uber". I explained brushing my cup. "Can I tag along"?

"Uhm no". For some reason I just couldn't. I couldn't find it in myself to see anyone the way I saw her. I couldn't kiss anyone. I wouldn't, because she hasn't officially broken up with me.

"Oh come on. I can tell you're alone. I can fill the void". She got up. Her hand on my shoulder. "I've already done that. That's what the joint was for. Thanks though". I removed her hand from my shoulder. I walked outside feeling the fresh air hit me. Sobering me up a little. "Hey, at least take my jacket". She ran behind me handing me a very small sweater. I didn't look back as I entered the Uber.

I just want to be with my dog.

At home. There was this emptiness. There was no music or laughter or annoying voices to fill the void. There was nothing here to replace her. I'm all alone. Just me and my thoughts and they were overwhelming. I took off my shirt. Seeing myself in the mirror I looked paler. My under bags darker. I looked skinnier.

I looked away embarrassed. I let my pants fall to my knees and kicked it out of the way.

I lost the only person who loved me. Or at least she must have been a really good actor. Because I felt so fucking loved my her.

My socks came off then my underwear. I fucking hate myself. I mean how could I blame her for leaving me. What the fuck even am I?

A girl?
A boy?
Neither?

I turned the warm water on.