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This book contains mature themes, explicit language, and scenes of a sexual nature intended for adult audiences only. It is rated R and is not suitable for readers under the age of 18.
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This book also includes depictions o...
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Onika Maraj Burial Site
December 21
The pastor's voice was soft but steady as he spoke, standing at the burial site where my mother's casket lay. His words echoed in the air, but they felt distant, like a blur.
I could barely focus, the reality of it all weighing on my chest so heavily I could barely breathe.
I stood there, numb, clinging to Lauren as if holding onto her would somehow keep me from falling apart completely. Her arm was wrapped around me tightly, and we both trembled with every tear that fell.
We hadn't spoken much since the service began-there were no words that could fill the void Mom's absence left behind.
The pastor spoke about Mom's strength, her spirit, the light she brought into this world. But all I could think about was the fact that she was gone.
I couldn't hear those words without feeling like a part of me had died with her.
I looked at the casket, that cold, unfeeling box, and all the memories came rushing in at once-the good, the bad, everything. I wanted to scream, to ask why it had to be her.
Why did my mother have to be taken like this? I gripped Lauren tighter as the tears spilled uncontrollably down my cheeks.
"I miss her so much," Lauren whispered through her tears, and I nodded, unable to speak.
My throat was tight, and my heart felt like it was shattering over and over again.
I felt so helpless, like no amount of crying or holding on to Lauren could fix what was broken inside of me. As the pastor's voice continued, I glanced at the casket one last time, knowing they'd be lowering it soon, and the finality of it hit me like a tidal wave.
I wasn't ready. I'd never be ready to say goodbye to my mother.
When they began to lower the casket, Lauren and I both broke down, holding each other tighter. It felt like the ground beneath me was giving way, like the world was crumbling, and there was nothing I could do to stop it.
As the casket started lowering, I felt like I was falling apart, barely holding it together. Tears streamed down my face, and I clung to Lauren like she was the only thing keeping me grounded.
Then I felt another set of arms wrap around me, a familiar presence.
I looked over and saw Blue, crying harder than I'd ever seen. She buried her face in my shoulder, and I hugged her tight, rubbing her back, trying to comfort her even though I was barely holding it together myself.
"I'm sorry," she whispered between sobs, her voice breaking.
I kissed the top of her head, still rubbing her back.
