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This book contains mature themes, explicit language, and scenes of a sexual nature intended for adult audiences only. It is rated R and is not suitable for readers under the age of 18.
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Beyoncé Knowles Smoky Mountains
December 26
We had Christmas yesterday, and it was perfect-just all of us enjoying each other, exchanging gifts, and eating some seriously good food that Nicki and her sister whipped up. Tomorrow we're heading back to reality, which I'm not ready for.
This little getaway was needed for us all.
We were all outside by the fire, getting ready to make s'mores and sip on hot chocolate. Blue was snuggled up under Solange, looking comfortable. I stood up, figuring it was time to have a talk I'd been putting off.
Walking over to Blue, I gently grabbed her hand.
"Come on," I said, pulling her up.
She looked at me a little confused but didn't fight it. I caught Nicki's eye for a second-she glanced up but didn't say anything, just watched as we headed inside.
We sat down on the couch, and I took a deep breath. I wasn't sure how to start, but I knew I couldn't keep avoiding this conversation.
"How do you really feel about me?" I asked, my voice softer than I expected. "Because, Blue, I'm not doing this again-getting disrespected, having you blow up at me out of nowhere. It hurts. And I'm your mom, so I get there's still stuff going on inside you, but I need to know what's really happening."
Blue stared at the floor for a moment, her jaw tight. When she finally spoke, her voice was quieter than usual. "I still feel abandoned, Mama. I know you had reasons, but that doesn't make it easier to forget. It's not something I can just... get over."
Her words hit hard.
I sighed, running my fingers through my hair, trying to find the right thing to say.
"I'm sorry, Blue. I know I messed up, and I can't take it back. But I'm here now, trying. I really want to be better for you, to give you the mom you deserve."
Blue looked down at her hands, her voice shaky as she spoke. "It's just... everything that I did-the fighting, the arguing-it was all so you'd pay attention to me. I'm not blaming it all on you because, yeah, I had a choice, but that felt like the only way to get you to notice me."
Her tears started to fall, and my heart broke a little seeing her like that. Without thinking, I reached over and wiped the tears from her cheeks, my own throat tightening.
"Blue, I'm so sorry," I said quietly, my voice full of regret. "I didn't realize how much I was missing. I got so wrapped up in work, in everything else, and I didn't make enough time for you. I thought I was doing what I had to do, but I wasn't there for you when you needed me, and that's on me."
She didn't say anything, just kept wiping her eyes, and I could feel the weight of all the times I wasn't there, all the moments I missed.
"I should've paid more attention," I continued, my voice softer. "I should've been there to listen, to see what you were going through. I know I can't fix the past, but I'm here now, and I want to be better for you. I'm gonna make sure you don't ever have to fight for my attention again."
