Lookism: What Am I Even Doing?

Chapter 84

(Ila's POV)

What are you the most afraid of?

One thing that I admire about fear is that it can take on the form of so many things. Physical...emotional....somethings that seem completely irrational to others. But that's the beauty of the human mind. Our ability to find fear in the smallest of things should be studied and captured. That way it can serve as a reminder that we aren't as big as we imagine to be.

I think I would like to be studied. Not because of this strange person who has taken over my body. No, I want to be studied because of my fear...it's quite confusing. To be honest it could confuse the smartest of scientists and break the most empathetic of people.

What I am the most afraid of is being let free again.

At the same time. It's what I also desire the most.

All this time I've struggled to break free from the broken and self-indulgent mind but what comes after that? I've watched the life of this invader through my eyes and I see the trash they're making of themselves. That isn't something that I want to be set free too. Why couldn't I have been left alone in that forest? It would've been better to die than to be replaced.

So...what do I want? I want my freedom. I want it so desperately but I'm afraid of what comes after that. Once I'm set free and my body becomes mine once again, where do I go? What should I do? I'm nothing to this world.

My name erased from its records. My face burned from the mind of everyone I used to know. Even if there was someone left to claim me, chances are they'll sell me again to someone else. And who knows, I may be unlucky enough to end up somewhere else but a lab.

What can I do without a name? Without an identity that I'm not doing right now?

I just know that I have so much pent up rage. Rage that I have no problem using to hurt others. But I can't hurt everyone forever. I can exact revenge on my transgressors but after that rage subsides there will be nothing left of me.

I wish that Ila will make something of her life for the both of us and she'd stop making such stupid decisions. That way, when I finally do gain control, I won't feel so lost.

-

"Ila? What are you doing?"

I frowned as Haruki walked into the work-out room of my apartment. What I don't understand is why these people give themselves the right to walk into my place whenever they please. I don't care if they do it to make sure I haven't accidentally or purposefully killed my fucking self. If the door is fucking closed, then its meant to be fucking closed. They have no right to go on unlocking it. If only I could change it knowing that Seo-ah wouldn't just pass around the code again.

A soft breath escaped my lips as I readjusted my grip on the bar underneath me. I slowly tucked my legs into my stomach then carefully swung on the bar so I was hanging over it normally. These past few days I've been giving calisthenics a try. Is quite heavy on the arms and stomach. Just how I liked it.

"What do you want, Haruki? I thought I told you I don't want anyone here on Monday. It's my day off."

Sunday is my day off too but I give him a pass since he's been teaching me how to drive his motorcycle in the parking garage of the hotel. You can imagine how difficult it is for me with this leg of mine. The experience has been...something. Monday was for me only. It was a common rule that everyone knew by now. It was one of my only conditions for them letting themselves in.

"You've lost too much weight. Have you been eating?"

I went over to my towel sitting on a nearby bench. I carefully wiped the chalk from my hands.