Lookism: What Am I Even Doing?

Chapter Fifty-Nine

2. Recruitment

(12 hours until)

Weight can take on so many forms. There's the obvious weight of an object, in how dense and large it is. Then, there's the weight that's invisible yet drags us down the most. Sometimes, no matter how long we spend training to get rid of the weight in our minds and hearts, there's nothing we can do to silence the voices in our heads.

Sookie came to visit me the day before. My Uncle came knocking on my door around halfway through my letter which sat heavily on the empty desk. They were worried for me. They wanted me to talk to them. They wanted to know what they could do to help.

Probably knowing that I was in no mood to talk, he politely sent them away with the excuse that I wasn't feeling well. Well, I wasn't feeling well at all but this wasn't physical sickness, it was the weight of every invisible action that is finally starting to drag down my shoulders.

As I go through the motions-what is expected of me-reality starts to seep its dirty fangs into the tender parts of my neck. I'm bleeding. I'm dying.

And no one could see it.

And no one ever could.

This is what it costs to protect someone else.

Before I left for school that morning, I turned around and took in this house...this shop...this memory for one final time. I expected this unexplainable weight to crush me against the pavement as soon as I stepped outside but in some way, it made me feel light. Or maybe it was just that my mind was making it easier for me to think of this as some sort of dream. Perhaps part of this Webtoon, a moment that could be captured in ink-blot pages and scrolled through a bright phone screen.

If I thought like that then that means there was nothing I could do about any of this. The fast pace, the weird, out of pocket first chapters. All the bullshit that I pulled. And everything that's happened. If I'm a character in a story then by god, this must be a good read...right? At least let me find solace in that. That people would find my existence, my suffering, as entertaining. As a pass time.

I was late for school but like I gave a shit. I managed to snake my way through the front gate right before it closed. The gym teacher gave me an ugly glare but I hardly cared enough to give him one of my goofy smiles that I always do. My coldness caught him off guard, so much so that he didn't even curse me out. He simply let me walk on by.

You know, I really wished I could've sat in my classroom one last time. Sure, it would probably be filled with people who hate me to a certain extent. Sookie might try to fight me on sight but that would be alright. I had trouble looking them all in the eye yesterday. If I could only stand at the door and look at them.

That would be more than enough.

Instead, I was forced to run errands for some psychopath who has me captured in a thick web I can't think my through. It seems that no matter how much I struggle, a large spider will come crawling along. Casually wrapping me in a thick...silk...cocoon until it slowly drinks my blood for the days to come.

Finding the Comics and Animation Department was pretty easy. Though I was disturbed to find that fucking pork chop, Logan, to not be there. The classroom was set up like almost every other classroom with long rows of desks. Thin kids sitting behind them joking around with pictures and literal body pillows hanging about.

I slammed my fists into the wall. A loud thud rang through the room and everyone turned around to me with a scared expression. Shrill shreeks rang in the air followed by light stuttering from some of them. I didn't mean to scare them so badly but I'm finding myself becoming angry again. So there's this sharp tension ringing throughout my whole body and mind, making it hard for me to control anything at the moment.