Lookism: What Am I Even Doing?

Chapter Fifty-Eight

From Unknown #

                                                                                There are some things I need you to do for me.

1. Silent Goodbyes

(One Day Until)

The morning was deadly quiet as I got ready for school.

Today-

Today...was going to be a quiet day.

A

Painfully

Quiet

Day

Walking into the school gates that day made my heart feel so heavy. Sure walking into school was never followed by a distinctly positive feeling. There was always work to do, tests to prepare for, and people to ignore. I actually allowed myself the right to admit I didn't want to come to school.

But it was necessary.

It was what I had to do.

People flooded into the empty seats all around the room. All of them offered me some sort of greeting or good morning. I replied to none of them, keeping my eyes fixated on the table in front of me. If it didn't require me to live, I would've stopped breathing altogether.

Their hushed whispers filled the room as they talked about my strange mood. It's not like I had left Friday on the best of terms. Quiet and snappy but now...I'm pretty sure now, I looked dead on the inside. So they silently debated amongst each other whether or not to confront me about it.

Taking in the consequences if they did. The windows were closed but I could easily through them with enough force to cut through the glass. It would only take one hand to render them imobile. Maybe a slam against the desk or a hand to their throat. I wonder what sort of punishment they were betting on.

I played absentmindedly with the pencil in my hands. Its smooth ends ran through my fingers with ease, something I learned how to do after watching a couple videos. I'm not nearly as fast as the people I learned from but it satisfied me a bit back then knowing I learned how to do it at all. I thought it had made me look cool.

Now I'm just realizing it was all so stupid.

Sookie slid into the seat next to me, "Hey, are you good?"

Am I good?

Am...I...good?

She might as well ask if I have three eyes too. If the look in my eyes wasn't enough to convince everyone that I was struggling then maybe my silence would drag the point through. You know, this morning, I stared at my reflection for a good hour. With every passing second I couldn't help but grow more disgusted with the thing I was staring back to.

Had Sookie known, had any of them known the things I've been through...the things I'm expected to do...they wouldn't ever bring up those sort of dumb questions again. Some things are too obvious to question, not even out of formality. Sometimes asking can become a burden in itself, only reminding the receiver of all they have to carry.

For me, it was painful in that way. Her kindness was like a stake to my heart in the same way that my Uncle hugged me last night. You see, this is another reason you should hate nice people. Aside from never being their first, they know just what to say to hurt you the most.

"So what, you're not going to talk to me today?"

Even if I fucking wanted too Sookie, what the hell do you want me to say? Do you expect me to spill the fucking truth to you like some damn sinner during confession?! There's nothing that I could tell you even if I wanted to! Because you wouldn't fucking understand. None of you would.