Lookism: What Am I Even Doing?

Chapter 85 Prt. 2

(Ila's POV)

I'd forgotten about the mirrors

When you remove something from your life it's easy to forget its existence. Not only that but why you chose to get rid of it. I nearly let out a scream as I saw my reflection. It was only temporary but the moment I locked eyes with myself I felt this immediate repulse. I looked down at my hands as I ran underneath the water of the sink.

How could people even look at me? Well...if they found the need to look at me then someone would've noticed the bloody mess I walked into the bathroom in.

Everyone ignored me, even bloody and limping. Actually, maybe that's why they didn't see me. Why would people need to acknowledge something filthy? It's like coming across dog poop on the side of the road. You glance at it with disgust but continue walking. There's no way in hell you'd bend down and pick it up. Especially not with your bare hands.

I slipped off that stupid Hawiann shirt Haruki made us put on and tossed it in the trash. My shirt underneath was dark enough to hide the stains. I grabbed a napkin and wet it before cleaning my neck and arms. As I rubbed harder down on my skin I couldn't help but feel a small sob rise from my chest.

What had I done?

I took off my mask and rubbed my face harshly. Taking as much impurity as I could and letting it run down the sink. The water swirled into a light red as the blood on my skin mixed with the water. My hands would rub against my scars and I felt nauseous at the feeling of them. Their smooth bumps sent panic and disgust in my chest.

For fuck's sake, what am I anymore?

All I knew was that it wasn't human.

It couldn't be human.

I didn't want it to be.

Because then I would have to justify my actions.

There was a soft knock against the wall. My breath caught in my throat as Jong-su leaned against the wall of the restroom. His presence activated something inside of me. An obedience. I didn't move as I just looked at him; drawing tight breaths. The water from the sink ran in the background as he smiled at me.

"Well...look at you. Looks like someone had fun. Maybe I should've let you come by yourself. It would've been hilarious to see what you would've done."

Hilarious? Is that what he thinks my existence is? Suddenly there was a tight scowl on his face. His eyes convey disgust.

"Honestly, put your damn mask back on already. I can't even talk to you properly with you looking like that."

I hurriedly slid it back on. Jong-su was right to tell me that. I can't even look at myself either. It's a miracle that people can deal with me being near them. And if they knew how much of an unstable person I was, they would run away as soon as they saw me. The rest of my life would be spent in complete solitude as the rest of the world ran away from me. Maybe it would be better that way...it would be better that way.

He scoffed, "Next time, don't even take it off. You can wash your face or shit when you're in your damn room. But, what I came here for. Why did you let Richard stop you? You made me miss out on a wonderful show. I don't appreciate that."

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"I ASKED YOU A DAMN QUESTION!"

I dug my nails into the side of my arm as I jumped from the sudden change of his voice. My voice came out in a jumpy, stuttering mess.